No, we’re not pleased. When we learned Monday that Conservapedia has launched a Conservative Bible — claiming “liberal bias” in other translations — our first impulse was to head for the mall roof and start shooting. Our own Stinque Zombie Bible got there first, after all, right down to wiki-based collaborative editing.

(Okay, fine. The LOLCat Bible got there before us. But we don’t talk about them.)

Like us, the Conservapederasts use the King James version as their starting point — ignoring the fact that a free public-domain translation amounts to building their conservative castle upon socialist sand. They ask their editors to follow ten guidelines, including using “powerful conservative terms,” expressing the “logic of hell,” and “not dumbing down the reading level.”

We simply ask folks to rewrite passages for maximum splatter: “If it bleeds, it leads.” And we guarantee that our version involves a lot more brains than theirs.

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• Nathan Deal, GOP candidate for Georgia governor: “We got all the complaints of the ghetto grandmothers who didn’t have birth certificates and all that.”
• BET cofounder Sheila Johnson, campaigning for Bob McDonnell, GOP candidate for Virginia Governor: “We need someone who can really communicate, and Bob McDonnell can communicate. The other people I talk to, and especially his op-p-p-p-ponent… He could not articulate what needed to be done. So communication is hugely important.” Stutterers are not amused.
• Peter Schiff, GOP candidate for Connecticut senator, reviving the Hoekstra Meme: “I’m interrupting my career. It’s not like I want my new career in politics. But I’m willing to interrupt it the same way that somebody interrupted their career and joined World War II and went off to fight the Nazis.”

Meg Whitman’s gonna have to step up her game. Mere hypocrisy just doesn’t cut it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggB6SsB4DgM

“Now Levi Johnston does it with protection.” What this has to do with pistachios, we don’t know. Nor do we care.

Well, that was fun while it lasted — the Guardian is throwing cold water on the Telegraph’s claim that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had a trim at birth:

“There is no such meaning for the word ‘sabour’ in any of the Persian Jewish dialects, nor does it mean Jewish prayer shawl in Persian. Also, the name Sabourjian is not a well-known Jewish name,” [expert David Yeroshalmi] stated in a recent interview. In fact, Iranian Jews use the Hebrew word “tzitzit” to describe the Jewish prayer shawl.

The Telegraph based its claim on “Sabourjian” being Ahmadinejad’s birth surname, saying it meant “cloth weaver.” But the Guardian says sabor actually refers to “thread painter,” an artisan who works with carpets. And Mahmoud’s mom claims to be a descendant of Muhammad, which the Guardian mischievously says “is equivalent to the Cohens.”

As a Lapsed Lutheran, we have no authority to judge the competing claims — our mother’s maiden name means “eater of RyKrisp.”

Ahmadinejad has no Jewish roots [Guardian UK]

“I’m a Republican,” says GOP California gubernatorial candidate, former eBay CEO, absent-minded voter, and Junior Terminatrix Meg Whitman. “And you’ll find I’m a darn good one.”

So good, in fact, that she maxed out on donations to Barbara Boxer in 2003. And signed an open letter to other tech execs asking them to join her. “Barbara Boxer is a courageous leader,” Meg said at the time. In a Democrat-provided press release.

Y’know, we’re starting to like Meg. It’s fun to watch ex-CEOs flail about without toadies to cover for them.

“Darned good” Republican Whitman endorsed U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer in 2003 [SF Gate]

In addition to darkly observing that federal judge Clay Land is a penny-ante Microsoft and Comcast investor, Orly Taitz’s defense against his $10,000 contempt fine noted a suspicious meeting between him and Eric Holder — only the version of her filing we posted Saturday was missing the crucial evidence. TPM has the affidavit signed by Robert D. Douglas of Alma, Georgia, which we provide here in full, carefully preserving the spelling.

On the day of the hearing for Major Stephen Cook before Federal Judge Clay D. Land, Columbus, Ga., my wife, my wife’s sister, her husband and I had entered the little coffee shop directly across from the Court House while waiting for the doors to open to the public. I was sitting in the small seating area, set aside for their customers, while facing and looking directly at the entrance to the shop. All persons entering had to pass withing 8-10 feet from where I was sitting.

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It pains us to say this, but the bell may be tolling for Glenn Beck.

The signs were there after the Gazillion Teabagger March last month, what with Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin grumbling about his popularity. At the time, we dismissed it as professional jealousy, but Lindsey Graham has put our hypothesis to the test the past few days, and the prognosis is dim:

• Graham, Thursday: “Only in America can you make that much money crying.”
• Beck, Friday: “Lindsey Graham hating my guts is probably the highest honor I’ve ever received.”
• Graham, Sunday: “You can listen to him if you like. I choose not to.”

See what Lindsey did there? He pushed back. And on Fox News Sunday, no less. Without consequence. If you can’t even get South Carolina’s fourth-ranked douchebag to toss your salad, you can kiss your crying game goodbye.

Graham: Beck is not the voice of conservatism [Think Progress]