Duck and Cover

A Guide to Our Conventional Weapons Arsenal

Father of All Bombs

The guidance system was left disabled during manufacture, resulting in an unpredictable weapon that careens wildly, as likely to destroy allies as enemies.

Daughter of All Bombs

Initially advertised as a defensive weapon, in its first deployment promoters were surprised to discover that it possesses the destructive force of fifty-nine Tomahawks.

Son of All Bombs

Notable for the distinctive noise it makes on impact, its rated power has been shown to be vastly overestimated, and its use limited to defenseless opponents and brush-clearing.

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High-Capacity Toy Magazine Not Included

Product: “Playmobil Police Carrying Case Playset”

Blurb: “The miniature worlds of Playmobil encourage children to explore and learn while having fun.”

Rank: 15,946 in Toys & Games

Review: “I use playmobil toys for play therapy when I counsel grade school children.”

Customers Also Bought: “Playmobil Tactical Unit Helicopter”

Footnote: Playmobil is based in Germany.

Playmobil Police Carrying Case Playset [Amazon]

Plastic ’em up: Playmobil set re-enacting a bank robbery goes on sale at Toys R Us [Daily Mail]

Try the Rocky Mountain Oysters!

Our guest columnist appears to have been celebrating Colorado’s legalization of marijuana.

On 7NEWS at 5 p.m. on Monday, the station reported on ex-CIA director David Petraeus’ relationship with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.

Broadwell earned a master’s degree at the University of Denver and had given a speech at an alumni event several weeks ago that may have provided insight into the early stages of their relationship.

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Great Moments in Denials

Also, “I Am Not a Crook” and “I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman”.

[Fox31]

Please Forgive Me for Telling You What I Actually Believe

God Hates Foreign Policy Advisers…

“Richard Grenell, the openly gay spokesman recently hired to sharpen the foreign policy message of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, has resigned in the wake of a full-court press by anti-gay conservatives.” [WaPo, via Political Wire]

Now, Sir, About That Poop Bag…

“A Montara man walking two lapdogs off leash [in the Golden Gate National Recreation Area] was hit with an electric-shock gun by a National Park Service ranger after allegedly giving a false name and trying to walk away, authorities said Monday.” [SF Chronicle]