Bed Pillow
Always a classic, a fluffy pillow not only muffles your voice, it smothers your face and ears so that you may block out the reality that enrages you.

Ball Gag
It’s not just for erotic adventures any more! Hang one around your neck, and it’ll always be with you when that sudden urge to relieve your spirit of the idiocy of daily life overwhelms you.

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That political candidates may promise things they can’t deliver is not, shall we say, unusual. The Wall has not been built; Mexico has not paid for it. Promises are made, offices are won, and then, the story goes, reality is faced.

The story doesn’t end there. The moon may have been promised and only a butte ascended, but still, y’know, progress, and subsequent campaigns focus on maintaining and improving the status quo. The bacon has been brought home; more is on the way. Stay the course. You know what you’re getting, and god knows what will happen to you, your daughters, and your dog if My Esteemed Opponent takes the wheel.

That’s the story, the story we know, the story we’ve been living for generations.

It’s not the story this time.

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There’s a scene in All the President’s Men that a few folks like us were reminded of Friday night. It’s October 1972, before the election, and Woodward & Bernstein publish a major scoop: Nixon campaign treasurer Hugh Sloan has testified to a grand jury that Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman controls the campaign’s illegal slush fund.

And just as they break out the champagne in the Washington Post newsroom, all hell breaks loose.

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Martian invasion fleet greeted as liberators: 10:1

NYT Needle declared health risk: 3:1

Thanksgiving upgraded to contact sport: Even

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Father of All Bombs

The guidance system was left disabled during manufacture, resulting in an unpredictable weapon that careens wildly, as likely to destroy allies as enemies.

Daughter of All Bombs

Initially advertised as a defensive weapon, in its first deployment promoters were surprised to discover that it possesses the destructive force of fifty-nine Tomahawks.

Son of All Bombs

Notable for the distinctive noise it makes on impact, its rated power has been shown to be vastly overestimated, and its use limited to defenseless opponents and brush-clearing.

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Product: “Playmobil Police Carrying Case Playset”

Blurb: “The miniature worlds of Playmobil encourage children to explore and learn while having fun.”

Rank: 15,946 in Toys & Games

Review: “I use playmobil toys for play therapy when I counsel grade school children.”

Customers Also Bought: “Playmobil Tactical Unit Helicopter”

Footnote: Playmobil is based in Germany.

Playmobil Police Carrying Case Playset [Amazon]

Plastic ’em up: Playmobil set re-enacting a bank robbery goes on sale at Toys R Us [Daily Mail]

Our guest columnist appears to have been celebrating Colorado’s legalization of marijuana.

On 7NEWS at 5 p.m. on Monday, the station reported on ex-CIA director David Petraeus’ relationship with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.

Broadwell earned a master’s degree at the University of Denver and had given a speech at an alumni event several weeks ago that may have provided insight into the early stages of their relationship.

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