A Guide to Our Conventional Weapons Arsenal

Father of All Bombs

The guidance system was left disabled during manufacture, resulting in an unpredictable weapon that careens wildly, as likely to destroy allies as enemies.

Daughter of All Bombs

Initially advertised as a defensive weapon, in its first deployment promoters were surprised to discover that it possesses the destructive force of fifty-nine Tomahawks.

Son of All Bombs

Notable for the distinctive noise it makes on impact, its rated power has been shown to be vastly overestimated, and its use limited to defenseless opponents and brush-clearing.

Idiot Son of all Bombs

Experts have yet to determine whether this has any practical use at all, other than hanging hats in the office.

Son-in-Law of All Bombs

This new-generation chemical weapon emits a deadly odorless nauseous gas, striking down opponents before they know what happened to them. Manufacturer prohibits use on Saturdays.

Crazy Uncle of All Bombs

An experimental munition that combines a short fuse with wide dispersal; early testing revealed significant design flaws that caused serious casualties among its operators, followed by an implosion.

Wacky Neighbor of All Bombs

This stealth missile possesses unique technology that allows it to penetrate defenses undetected, set off a controlled fart, then leave victims to blame each other for the fallout.

14 comments:

10:57 am • Saturday • April 15, 2017

Grampa of All Bombs: mostly yells at clouds, people of different skin tones and complains about how things were harder to kill in its day.

3:15 pm • Saturday • April 15, 2017

I’m at the Seattle Tax March now, and it’s rockin’. Not as huge as the Womxn’s March, but a great crowd nonetheless.

4:11 pm • Saturday • April 15, 2017

It’s almost time for Granny Clampett $essions and his Dixie Stormtroopers to swoop in and ICE us all–I’m outta here. Peace!

11:27 am • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

BREAKING: Beady-eyed Twitler nutsack licker Jason Chaffetz announced that he won’t run for reelection in 2018. FSM only knows what evil plans he has–penning Benghazi: The Musical, no doubt–but at least he won’t be in the House.

12:26 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

@¡Andrew!: Yup – just threw $25 to his challenger and $25 to the banjo dude in Montana. And threw $25 to Ossoff a month or two ago. And then he sent me mail, and I was pissed. Wasting my meager donation, yo.

Hey – are you marching on Saturday? My shirt came. The decal is crap (peeling in some places), and I am very tempted to send it back. Man. No cheap merch!

12:30 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

re: blurb. Yeah – I thought it was weird. After the Porter and the Ross fired on Syria, I started tracking the carrier groups. Only the H.W. Bush was close to the Gulf (and now in it), and I didn’t think the Carl Vinson was doing anything special. But then the govt said so, so I was like, shit. This isn’t good.

Those things do not turn on a dime, though. And positioning one as a hostile act is serious business. I’m glad we were able to bring that down after ratcheting that up.

12:53 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

@¡Andrew!: That is the happiest any political news has made me in months. His attitude toward DC is essentially that of the Grinch toward Whoville (pre-redemption, obviously). Too bad his departure is still about 20 months away.

2:03 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

@JNOV: I’m leaving for my work trip at 6 am Friday and will be in Kuhleeforneeya all next week. Sorry to miss it, since I (((heart))) a righteous protest.

2:07 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

@mellbell: There’s still occasion to see his smug, punchable face on C-SPAN as he sez “but her emails…” one final time before being incinerated by one of Twitler’s loose nukes.

2:48 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

And dumFux Nooz just shitcanned O’Lielly! It’s Christmas in April.

3:21 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

Ding freakin’ dong!

Meet your new White Trash House press secretary. O’Lielly actually would be an improvement over Tantrum Spice’s daily hostage videos.

3:25 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

@¡Andrew!: Does this mean we can expect even more Killing… books? He’s put out one per year so far, but maybe he and the ghostwriters can ramp up production. Have to keep the checks rolling in somehow.

4:22 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

/priceless/

I don’t know – it’s hard for me to see any Trump ties to Russia…except for the Flynn thing

and the Manafort thing
and the Tillerson thing
and the Sessions thing
and the Kushner thing
and the Carter Page thing
and the Roger Stone thing
and the Felix Sater thing
and the Boris Ephsteyn thing
and the Rosneft thing
and the Gazprom thing
and the Sergey Gorkov banker thing
and the Azerbajain thing
and the “I love Putin” thing
and the Donald Trump, Jr. thing
and the Sergey Kislyak thing
and the Russian Affiliated Interests thing
and the Russian Business Interests thing
and the Emoluments Clause thing
and the Alex Schnaider thing
and the hack of the DNC thing
and the Guccifer 2.0 thing
and the Mike Pence “I don’t know anything” thing
and the Russians mysteriously dying thing
and Trump’s public request to Russia to hack Hillary’s email thing
and the Trump house sale for $100 million at the bottom of the housing bust to the Russian fertilizer king thing
and the Russian fertilizer king’s plane showing up in Concord, NC during Trump rally campaign thing
and the Nunes sudden flight to the White House in the night thing
and the Nunes personal investments in the Russian winery thing
and the Wilbur Ross with his Cyprus bank thing
and Trump not releasing his tax returns thing
and the Republican Party’s rejection of an amendment to require Trump to show his taxes thing
and the election hacking thing
and the GOP platform change to the Ukraine thing
and the Steele Dossier thing
and the Leninist Bannon thing
and the Sally Yates can’t testify thing
and the intelligence community’s investigative reports thing
and Trump’s reassurance that the Russian connection is all “fake news” thing
and Spicer’s Russian Dressing “nothing’s wrong” thing
so there’s probably nothing there
since the swamp has been drained, these people would never lie
probably why Nunes cancels the investigation meetings
all of this must be normal
just a bunch of separate dots with no connection.
—Lane Crothers

11:50 pm • Wednesday • April 19, 2017

Ding Dong, the Dick is Dead.

Add a comment