The problem: Hanukkah songs are all uniformly lame, unlike Christmas songs which are, without exception, awesome.

The solution? Choose one from the following list:

A) Commission Southpark co-creator and Jew Matt Stone to pen a handful of humorously offbeat additions to the seasonal canon.

B) Arrange a Hanukkah themed musical collaboration between ex-Dire Straits guitarst Mark Knopfler (Jewish father) and Jewish singer songwriter Janis Ian.

C) Have ultra-conservative Utah Senator and devout Mormon song-smith Orrin Hatch pen a few ditties in honor of the Festival of Lights.

You know what’s coming next without me even having to tell you, don’t you? That’s right: If you picked C… congratulations.

Sorry my Jewish friends, but this Hanukkah thing of yours just got a teensy bit lamer.

He could not be more wrong:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-wSIUoF6YA

The more idiots like Huckabee in the GOP, the better the chances of killing off conservatism for good. Long may he wave.

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Oh, please. We don’t normally play in the Blogger Softball League, but since Memeorandum won’t retire this dude to the bench, we’re taking the prerogative of sharing our frustration with you:

Why I’m Not a Liberal Anymore

Maybe the initial illuminating moment came when I learned that Tom Hayden, the anti-Vietnam war activist, had removed the Obama bumper sticker from his car. All I know is that I can hardly stand reading the Huffington Post these days… I think the straw that broke this camel’s back was an horrendously ugly and smearing essay Christian Parenti wrote last week, which was published on the Huffington Post after Obama’s Afghanistan speech.

Dude: Tom Hayden? HuffPo? Really? Those are your standard-bearers of American Liberalism? If either puts you off, you’re out the fucking door? Arianna or Joan Walsh bloviating on cable news wasn’t enough? Markos reciting talking points like a freshman congressman wasn’t sufficient? You had to wait for Jane’s Ex to make an empty gesture, or some unknown to shoot his mouth off? Are you that dim?

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We’re not sure whether NPR’s Mara Liasson has started her Clockwork Orange marathon yet, but the good folks at Fox News are already threading the projector for her.

Let’s start with this wonderful poll graphic that ran last Friday on Fox & Friends, showing that Americans are, um, 120 percent against global-warming lies. That’s the kind of can-do spirit that built this great nation, and will soon send it over a cliff.

How did Fox’s cup runneth over? Media Matters explains:

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Alleged insane GOP sex fiend Rod Jetton surrendered to cops in bizarre GOP sex ritual case. Jetton is now free on bail. If he approaches you, shout the 'safe word' he favors - 'Green Balloons' - and run to the nearest police station.

Former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton surrendered to Cole County Sheriff’s Department Monday morning to answer a felony assault complaint from a woman who alleges that the GOP icon battered her face, choked her and savagely pestorked her in some kind of bizarre Republican sex ritual.

The twisted GOP sex fiend and the victim allegedly agreed in a telephone call to meet at her home in Sikeston, MO. on Nov. 15 for S&M sex, replete with savage violence and hateful man-on-woman battering, a GOP tradition, according to her complaint. Jetton is now at large on bail of $2500. Stinque.com is advising everyone who is approached for sex by Jetton or any Republican to shout his – or possibly the party’s – favored safe word – ‘Green Balloons’ – and run away to the nearest police station for protection.

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We were listening to the commentary for Funny People the other night (yes, we’re one of those people), and Judd Apatow mentioned the practice of “writing a joke on the back of someone’s head.”

No, it doesn’t involve Sharpies or razors. Instead, when you’re editing a film, you take the opportunity of someone’s head turned away from the camera to dub in a line you didn’t think of before. Movies are won or lost in the editing suite.

Which is why we enjoyed the news that the ACORN videos — “undercover” shots of employees giving tax advice to a pimp — also took advantage of modern cinema technology:

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We don’t normally buy into conspiracy theories, but a story breaking Monday is making us reconsider our position:

A safety scare involving the holiday season’s hottest toy cooled off Monday after federal safety regulators quickly put to rest claims that one model of the best-selling Zhu Zhu Pets contained high levels of antimony…

Last week, consumer website GoodGuide said its testing had shown that Mr. Squiggles, one of the Zhu Zhu robotic hamsters that have been selling out at stores nationwide, contained levels of antimony above what the federal government considers acceptable.

For the record, the Nojo Hamster meets all quality standards of the Consumer Blogging Safety Commission. Reports of the Nojo Hamster containing excessive levels of antagonism are unfounded, especially compared to the Michael Moore Bobblehead, which has been known to explode when handled improperly.

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