Back when Russian monkeywrenching of the American election first became a serious issue, it was clear what needed to be done — and that the Republicans who controlled the House and Senate wouldn’t do it. Our nation’s sovereignty would take a back seat to the power they enjoyed, and that Trump’s victory made seemingly invincible.

Abandoning the strict decorum for which we’re justly famous, we called them traitors and cocksuckers.

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Far be it from us to stand in the way of the vitriol being heaped on Trumpcare. The vote was finally held, the measure passed, and now everyone who was in a rush to have beers with the President will have to live with the consequences of their action.

You might call that a pre-existing condition for the 2018 election.

But quickly after the vote, both the Washington Examiner and the Times came out with stories about the next steps for the bill: Across the Capitol, and into the trash.

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Election night, we were less than, shall we say, hopeful.

“This is really bad,” we explained to a younger friend. “This is really, really bad.” When asked why, we explained that with Republicans controlling everything, there was no brake, no bottom. The trouble they could cause with unrestrained power was endless.

We imagine Republicans thought the same thing. But without the dread.

And make no mistake: There’s some heinous shit going down, particularly with deportations. We have yet to stumble into an active war — nuclear or otherwise — but that’s not without trying. And we hope someone is keeping a list of all the regulations being changed, because they’ll need to be changed back, as soon as the opportunity arises.

But our worst-case fears in the seventy-five days leading up to the Inauguration have not been borne out in the hundred days following. And the reason is the same one that was evident in the week following the Republican convention, the reason we thought we would never reach this moment to begin with:

Donald Trump is a terrible manager.

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There’s an interview out this week with Rachel Dolezal, which you don’t need to read, at least the Rachel Dolezal part. The interviewer herself, however, has some very acute observations and insights about her subject and broader context, which are definitely worth your time, if you’re so inclined.

Dolezal herself isn’t quite letting go of her past as an ersatz Black woman, but she’s recasting herself as transracial — emphasis on “trans”, because Caitlyn Jenner. Not biracial, not someone who grew up immersed in two cultures, but transracial — a White person who identifies as Black.

Blame National Geographic. No, really. Dolezal does.

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Father of All Bombs

The guidance system was left disabled during manufacture, resulting in an unpredictable weapon that careens wildly, as likely to destroy allies as enemies.

Daughter of All Bombs

Initially advertised as a defensive weapon, in its first deployment promoters were surprised to discover that it possesses the destructive force of fifty-nine Tomahawks.

Son of All Bombs

Notable for the distinctive noise it makes on impact, its rated power has been shown to be vastly overestimated, and its use limited to defenseless opponents and brush-clearing.

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What distinguishes us as a species — besides our singular ability to destroy all creation — is that we tell stories.

We’ve been telling stories for thousands of years. Our stories try to make sense of our world, and our place in it. Our stories can be fanciful, allegorical, misleading, even literal.

They can also be dangerous.

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Dear Penthouse,

I never thought I’d be writing you, but the other night I had dinner with a woman who is not my wife. After praising our Lord for His bounty, I asked her to please pass the salt. Our fingers accidentally touched, and the next thing I know she’s shoving the table clean with one sweep of her arm and throwing me down on it, taking my throbbing member into her mouth, and finishing me off like a ladle of gravy. I seek pence for my sins. Er, penance.

Race Bannon

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