Dear Penthouse,

I never thought I’d be writing you, but the other night I had dinner with a woman who is not my wife. After praising our Lord for His bounty, I asked her to please pass the salt. Our fingers accidentally touched, and the next thing I know she’s shoving the table clean with one sweep of her arm and throwing me down on it, taking my throbbing member into her mouth, and finishing me off like a ladle of gravy. I seek pence for my sins. Er, penance.

Race Bannon

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God bless the Freedom Caucus.

No, really.

Well, okay, sorta. Thanks to the House Deplorables, who resisted Ryancare because it didn’t drown enough puppies, the whole bill came crashing down, and we’re enjoying a bout of tantric schadenfreude that even Sting would envy.

Heck, we may yet escape this Administration alive.

We’ve seen from the start that Donald Trump sucks at running the government. We didn’t see until this week that Paul Ryan sucks at running the House. All those fire-breathers, free at last to turn These United States into scorched earth, and all they can do is immolate themselves, bless their shriveled hearts.

Which leads us to wonder whether this was ironically inevitable: Is extreme gerrymandering, the source of Republican power in the House, also the source of its weakness?

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“Soon after Charla McComic’s son lost his job, his health-insurance premium dropped from $567 per month to just $88, a ‘blessing from God’ that she believes was made possible by President Trump… The price change was actually thanks to a subsidy made possible by former president Barack Obama’s Affordable Care Act.” —Washington Post

• Moronus
• Dimwithea
• Idiotia

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1. Watch this! It’s adorable!

2. Did you see how he shoved his daughter out of the way? If a woman did that, she would be accused of child abuse!

3. The desperate nanny is everything that’s wrong with patriarchal society.

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War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.

And Madness is sanity.

In the years we’ve been promoting this joint, we actually had a Preznident who knew something about the subject — who knew many things about many subjects, which is kinda what you want in a Preznident, or someone near him.

And now we have a failed owner of a failed football team in a failed league, who very likely knows less about Sport than we do, and definitely knows less about everything else.

And you know what? We’re fine with him not caring. This may be the only escape America can enjoy for the duration.

So while Our Exceptional Republic’s leaders are crafting charts showing how quickly they can funnel money to the top of society, you’re invited to once again show the world how quickly you can fall to the bottom of the Stinque Braquet, hosted as always by Braquet Dowager Mellbell.

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Our guest interlocutors are John Dean and Richard Nixon, speaking in the Oval Office on March 21, 1973. Their conversation has been condensed for obvious pointed contemporary comparison.

DEAN:
I think, I think that, uh, there’s no doubt about the seriousness of the problem we’re, we’ve got. We have a cancer — within, close to the Presidency, that’s growing. It’s growing daily. It’s compounding, it grows geometrically now because it compounds itself. Uh, that’ll be clear as I explain you know, some of the details, uh, of why it is, and it basically is because (1) we’re being blackmailed; (2) uh, people are going to start perjuring themselves very quickly that have not had to perjure themselves to protect other people and the like. And that is just — and there is no assurance—

PRESIDENT:
That it won’t bust.

DEAN:
That, that it won’t bust.

PRESIDENT:
True.

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The State of the Union address is one of our grandest political traditions.

It is also one of the silliest.

It begins with Honorable Congresscritters jockeying for aisle position where the Preznident walks in, the better to be caught on camera in the presence of American power. It continues with the ritual standing ovations from one half of the room or the other, plus the obligatory cutaways to Humble Citizens mentioned in the laundry-list speech. Finally, everyone sits on edge to hear whether the State of our Union is, indeed, strong, which would be the only surprise of the evening if it wasn’t.

Not only is it silly, it’s completely unnecessary.

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