Forget everything you know about Rick Perry.

Including the things that frighten the shit out of you.

Congratulations! You’re now a Typical American Voter.

By reputation, Perry is the Teabagger From Hell, the one candidate with the ability to inspire the base and not scare off everybody else. He’s Shrub Redux, the idiot Texas governor with whom you’d enjoy sharing a pint while he drives the country off a cliff. He could win.

Or so we’re told.

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The folks at Funny or Die share with us what really happened at Michele Bachmann’s recent Newsweek photo shoot.

One of the great hockey cliches (of which there are literally THOUSANDS) is that a playoff series doesn’t really begin until the home team loses a game.  (Which doesn’t take into account a series in which the home team wins Games One through Seven, inclusive.  Cliches, in Sport, are like that.)

So: the GOP nomination process has now begun in earnest.  T-Paw is out, after finishing behind Bachmann and Paul in the Ames Straw Poll. Which means he leaves after finishing behind Bachmann.  (Come on.  There will be no rEVOLution.  Let’s just stipulate to that right now.)  And finishing behind her in a poll that means, truthfully, just about as much as anything that Gallup or USA Today or NBC/W$J polling does.  And finishing behind a woman who decided to trump his conservative bonafides at the debate last week by citing her defense of incandescent light bulbs on the floor of the House.  That’s what made him up and quit.

(NB: Jokes about Bachmann never having a man finish behind her are NOT WELCOME.  Pleases and thank yous.)

Title: “After America: Get Ready for Armageddon”

Author: Mark Steyn

Rank: 11

Blurb: “Optimistic About America’s Future? Don’t Be. In his giant New York Times bestseller, America Alone: The End of the World as We Know It, Mark Steyn predicted collapse for the rest of the Western World. Now, he adds, America has caught up with Europe on the great rush to self-destruction.”

Review: “This is not some Partisan rant or slant, it is simply truth being laid out like a blanket on the grass at a picnic waiting for the ants of Liberalism to come and snatch away the food.”

Customers Also Bought: “EMP Survival: How to Prepare Now and Survive, When an Electromagnetic Pulse Destroys Our Power Grid (Volume 1)”, by Larry Poole

Footnote: Steyn’s from Toronto. Isn’t there any money in books about Canadian self-destruction?

After America [Fuck Amazon]

Presented without comment.

Governor of Texas Rick Perry is about to take the stage in South Carolina to announce his candidacy for the presidency. And the scrutiny will increase, as it always does. And we might finally get the answer to a most important question:

Frankly, we’re disinclined to believe the “gay” rumors about Perry at this point – if for no other reason than the fact that he is clearly moving towards a presidential bid. He’s also moving toward an announcement with his wife’s support – while ramping up his rhetoric against homosexuality.

Two words: John Edwards.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwYTibTbYHQ

We don’t do formal meditation well — too much, um, formality — but should you need an escape from today’s incessant coverage of the Iowa Straw Poll, Talibunny, and Deranger Rick (we’re working on it), you could do worse than stare at a five-minute video on manufacturing pencils, each and every one of which is more intelligent than any candidate you’ll hear from.

[via Wired]