Behind the Scenes of the Newsweek Photo Shoot

The folks at Funny or Die share with us what really happened at Michele Bachmann’s recent Newsweek photo shoot.


From TPM – pretty staggering:

Bachmann secured 4823 votes, edging out Ron Paul, who had 4671 votes. Tim Pawlenty finished a distant third with 2293 votes – a disappointing result for the Minnesota governor after investing heavy resources as part of his broader Iowa-focused strategy. He suggested recently that he may have to a “reassess” his campaign if he fails to make an impact in the straw poll.

Rounding out the rest of the field were Rick Santorum with 1657 votes, Herman Cain with 1456, Mitt Romney with 567, Newt Gingrich with 385, Jon Huntsman with 69, and Thad McCotter with 35. The bottom four, except for McCotter, did not participate in the day’s events.

I think this is the race where the GOP will be forced to put up someone utterly unelectable. Mitt Romney, even after running from the few sensible positions he’s ever taken, is toast.

@blogenfreude: You’re right, but not because of the Straw Poll — which depends on how many $30 “voting” tickets each candidate can hand out. (Thus Ron Paul.)

Rather, this is just another data point confirming what we’ve been seeing for months — teabaggers don’t want to win, they want to take a stand. They’re voting for Martyr, not Preznit.

Obama’s holding us hostage — apres moi, les teabaggoisie — but as a campaign strategy, you can’t fault it. Never underestimate how stupid Our Exceptional Nation can behave, but the GOP field is so batshit, I can’t see any of them playing to the Ten Percent Middle which decides these things.

Even Mitt — who’s inherently untrustworthy — came out in favor of “unemployment savings accounts”, similar in concept to privatized medical-savings accounts. Good luck pitching that to jobless folks who didn’t have any spare money even when they were employed.

@nojo: At least one guy scares me and he sincerely wants to win and not just score a show on Fox News.

@SanFranLefty: That’s the scariest goddamn thing I’ve seen in a while. I am in such a state of despair, I may have to avoid all news and media for a bit. The garden is the only thing that gives me any fucking hope whatsoever about anything.

@SanFranLefty: The author is hallucinating if he thinks Perry can win the presidential election.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: I remember 1980 – said to myself, no one as manifestly unqualified and ignorant as Reagan could win the presidency. I remember 2000 – said to myself that no governor from Texas who wielded little power there, no one as manifestly stupid, unqualified, and incoherent as W could win. How wrong I was. And how wrong we might all be about Perry.

@SanFranLefty: I’ll reserve judgment on Perry. This week is going to be like Palin at the RNC, and we’ll have to wait until next week to see how he actually plays. There are plenty of rational criticisms to be made (What innocent man did he fry this week?), but we know this isn’t a rational process.

I’ve frequently said that 1980 has haunted me my entire adult life — but I knew the results the night of the debate, not the election itself. Saying that “Reagan was underrated” isn’t sufficient — you have to understand the nature of his appeal to understand the force of his threat.

And Shrub? That was Al’s to lose, and he lost it — by running away from Bubba’s record, as well as being a practical alternative to plywood. We remember Florida now, but we forget The Kiss, which was worthy of Curb Your Enthusiasm in its awkwardness. That, and Love Story.

Demographic note: Perry’s 61, Mitt’s 64. I picked up on the generational shift during Palin Week at the RNC, and I have an unposted draft from a few weeks back explaining that Mitt (and Newt, et al) has missed his moment, that we’re now in the thick of post-Boomer politics. (Bachmann is 55, but she’s much more a Seventies Child than Sixties.)

Curiously, even though Perry is just three years younger than Mitt, he feels very post-Boomer. He may have more than a decade on Obama, but he manages to seem part of the same cultural moment. Four years from now, that may be a different story.

But this year? This moment? We’ll have to see what perceptual negatives emerge, but one of them isn’t his age.

@karen marie has her eyes tight shut: He doesn’t have to carry California and NY to win. I fear that he will play well in Dumbfuckistan.

@SanFranLefty: He scares me as well, as both candidate and individual. I was in Austin when he upset the hugely popular Hightower for Ag Commish – by spending all his time and money on the urban ( non agricultural) vote. Crafty and crass, that one.

@nojo: This is (was?) Barry’s to lose, as well. He can’t revive Hope, which pulled the middle to him, now he has to run up the middle, and trust the fringes will cancel each other out. I’m Mopey already…

@Dodgerblue: Virginia and North Carolina, and probably Colorado would go back Red. Game over if the “heartland” shifted back as well.

@nojo: Perry is a year older than I am. My campaign will be run on these principles: legalize it, get rid of the designated hitter, tax the rich, no more stupid wars. I’m hoping SFL will be my (running) mate.

@Dodgerblue: One word: “klezmer”. That would be your arugula, my friend.

@Nabisco: Barry is not Jimmy (who really sucked in 1980), and he’s definitely not Al. To folks who don’t follow politics like baseball, he’s just as appealing as he ever was.

It is his to lose. But while nobody can campaign like Bubba, Barry’s in that neighborhood. He knows how to inspire.

Of course, he also knows how to disappoint, but that only counts among us Bitters.

@Dodgerblue: Let me know when I can contribute to the SuperPAC of your choice (even though I am a Big Papi fan).

I’m looking forward to the SFL/Palin/Biden VP debate.

@Nabisco: Either that, or my habit of saying “are you fucking kidding me?”

@Dodgerblue: But what will you do about the zombie threat?

@JNOV: Give them an unlimited supply of Olde English 800. They’ll be so sick, we can pick them off like worms after a rainstorm.

@nojo: Granted, Barry’s an inspirational candidate – pundits like to point out that the last two incumbents to get the boot were presiding over economic Bad Times, but those were Jimmy and Herbert Walker, aka Blanched Peanut and Who Buys the Milk? – but against a mouthbreathing Southerner with good hair and the ability to twang it up real good, what are the chances of VA (where I think a reanimated Macaca will be back on the ballot), Colorado or North Carolina sticking with Barry? Or Indiana?

With T-Paw as VEEP nominee, you lock down Indiana and make Ohio more than competitive, then say to hell with the rest of the bastions of liberalism. Lots of money required just to keep Pennsyltucky blue, and Joisey too becomes an expensive hold for the Dems. There may be no love lost between Bush and Perry, but Jeb would get out the vote in Fla.

There it is, I’ve handicapped 2012. Lefty, choose your coffee shop franchise in Kiwilandia, we’re packing it up!


Anyone in Ohio who still plans to vote Republican in 2012 was already a teahadi idiot anyways. Gov. Kasich has done more to fuck up the GOP brand (via his blatant Koch-headedness) than a zillion attack ads could – or at least that’s my hope, based on things like this.

@Dodgerblue: Not Oh-Eeee! Okay, if I can still get my Colt 45, you have my vote. Oh-Eeee is quite nasty. Don’t even get me started on Easy Jesus.

Let’s play Cheap Booze Nickname! (I’ve included links to photos for those of you who have never been poor or brown.)

Easy Jesus = E&J Brandy. AKA Erk and Jerk.

Um…that’s all I can remember right now. What is a nickname for Little Mickey’s Wide Mouth? I was thinking Hand Grenade, but that’s some shit I drank down in New Orleans.

Yahoo: “In a line that received wild applause, Perry vowed that one of his first steps if elected would be to repeal Obama’s controversial health care law…”

Game Over.

Okay, that’s wayyyyyy premature. But Republicans have paid even less attention to Repeal than to jobs this year. It’s not a winning issue.

@nojo: It’s not a winning issue.

No, but it is part of the beautiful twisted tapestry that serves as a backdrop to a boilerplate Rethuglican stump speech. Especially with a chance of the healthcare bill under review by the Supremes.

Is it too early to consult Catstick and YodaPez on this, cuz I’m feeling waaay Mopey.


Then there’s Mad Dog 20/20 (sometimes just known as Mad Dog) = Mogen David fortified wine.

I’m watching the House of Commons Q & A for the first time. This is utterly delightful.

Some of these people (I’m looking at you, Peter Tapsell) are tapping into every limey stereotype I’ve ever heard. And the Tottenham rep is cute as a button. Right honourable, he is.

I hope that at some point, the speaker or PM says, “I didn’t get a ‘harump’ outta that guy.” It’s never been more warranted.

As for Gov Goodhair, never underestimate just how lucky that motherfucker is.


Somewhat off topic, but we wrote this little ditty about one of our less favored brews:

Genesse, Genesse
Ain’t no beer tastes more like pee.
Baby don’t you give to me
Nasty Genessee

(to the tune of Tennessee Jed)

(note – this is in reference to the beer. The cream ale ranked much higher, above both Mickey’s (we called them hand grenades fwiw), and Iron City Lager).

@Walking Still: Gennie Cream had Most Favored Beer status in high school – mostly because the fallback was Pabst. In college we got Iron City for $4.50 a case, so we drank it. And liked it.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I watched “The Madness of King George” over the weekend, and became historically mirthful at seeing that same table/model train layout that the PM and his opposition have to stand at when they elocute.

Where’s our resident Limey to explain what that piece of furniture is?

@Walking Still: Yes! Mad Dog 20/20 — I think the first time I heard of it was on an Eddie Murphy record. I’m not sure if I ever drank it, but I drank all sorts of crap (Schnapps!) at some point, so yeah. 50¢ Beer Night at Naval Station Great Lakes! Where bubbleheads danced together on tables and shit. Good times.

@Walking Still: I didn’t know there were two different types of Genessee. Now what you gotta do is record Tennessee Jed so I can sing along.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I’ve seen outtakes–maybe I should watch the whole thing sometime. I’m stuck on Jonathan Rhy Meyers as Harry. He’s on Jane Seymour right now. This won’t last long.

@Nabisco: Yoda Pez crossed my mind today — for the first time in a lonnnnnng time — but not yet. And Cat Stick’s too busy rocking his new Stinque Cap to give a shit.

Meanwhile, Perry, yesterday: “We think it’s a disgrace that almost half of Americans don’t pay federal income taxes.” Now there’s a winning issue…

No doubt this is all Teabagger catnip, and Mitt is soiling his Magic Underwear. But opposition to Obamacare (which doesn’t exist yet) doesn’t extend far beyond anti-Kenyan precincts, the appeals courts are split on the issue, and it won’t really be a national issue again until the Supremes reject it. Even unimplemented, it’s now status quo.

So, why no Yoda Pez yet? Unclear whether Rick is an existential threat. But with Crazy Eyes, Mittens, and Deranger Rick, we now have a proper show. All we need is Talibunny to declare, since she would really fuck things up for everybody else.

@SanFranLefty: This is the most scary thing about Perry. I don’t know if it’s a con or not.

My mind tells me it’s a con, but then the man may be delusional. He’s got that back problem so I wonder if he isn’t addled with pain and drugs.

I am sicker with worry now than I was when Bush was nominated, and I knew then how things would turn out.

@nojo: And Cat Stick’s too busy rocking his new Stinque Cap to give a shit.

Pictures, please. Fuck Yoda Pez.

@texrednface: The Texas Observer’s website is all fakaka right now but I found a cached version. Personally, I think that if someone is hearing God’s voice telling them to do things, they need a 5150 hold.

And God sure doesn’t seem to be listening to all of Good Hair’s prayers for rain in Tejas.

@Nabisco: Coffee shop or Tex-Mex restaurant, either one will do.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: “As for Gov Goodhair, never underestimate just how lucky that motherfucker is.”
Amen, sister.

@Dodgerblue: If we had a platform plank about overhauling the college football bowl system, and another one about Medicare for all, I’m in as the running mate.

@texrednface: The Observer link is coughing up a furball database error right now, but the story got a lot of play last week.

It’s the kind of Preacher Problem that should doom Perry, but we don’t live in that alternate reality. Or maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised and it will doom Perry.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Obama has been famously lucky in his opponents. Two Narratives enter, only one leaves.

I administered a Tanqueray Truth Serum to a Prominent Texas Journalist who was over to the house last week. PTJ says that Perry could win the nomination but that he won’t play nationally and Obama will kick his ass. PTJ sees these things up close.

@nojo: “Two Narratives enter, only one leaves.”

Two thoughts as I have my post-soccer game martini:

1) I think Jimmy Carter and George HW Bush both lost reelection not so much because of the economy but because there was a third candidate who provided a weakening blow (see, e.g., Kennedy, Edward; Perot, Ross).

2) Dodger is taller than Black Eagle and Goodhair, and I am taller than Plugz and Talibunny. Statistically speaking, the taller guy/gal wins. Now we just need Colbert’s SuperPAC to fund some ads for the Stinque Party. Hell, we could form our own SuperPAC.

@redmanlaw: he won’t play nationally

Bingo! Or, rather, Bingo? That’s the question going forward.

@SanFranLefty: Dodger’s got me by an inch or two. For that matter, so do my dad and brother. I’m always the runt.

@SanFranLefty: Re: the Observer – I thought it had been blocked here in the Fortress, glad I’m not the only one kept away. I always liked the TO, but now I want to make it a regular visit.

re: Tex/Mex downunder, jalapenos grow pretty much anywhere, but the frijoles are more of an issue. There’s probably an agricultural quarantine upon arrival as well – I’d hate to have to use canned beans. Maybe establish an offshore source in Indonesia, or lean on Chainsaw for some Malay connections.

There’s always Vietnamese to work in the kitchen (until they earn enough money to buy us out).

@redmanlaw: Who woulda thunk that Shrub would “play nationally”?

@Nabisco: Well, to rerun an old warhorse, Shrub won with a clear majority: 5 to 4.

Just think how the last 10 years might have differed but for one vote up there.

@Walking Still: Do you think Al woulda had chakra issues, had the election not been stolen? (He should’ve demanded a state-wide recount, IMO.)

There’s always Vietnamese to work in the kitchen (until they earn enough money to buy us out).


@JNOV: Al would have had lots of issues. He might well have had the same human connection failings that did in Jimmy Carter and Bush the Senior. Lord knows how he would have responded to 9/11.

But, we would have been spared a war in Iraq, Darth Cheney, Justice Roberts and Justice Alito.

An interesting question is whether we would have been spared Guantanemo and American torture.

Another question: would we have been spared the 2008 meltdown? I’m betting it was in the cards regardless.

I think you kids are getting your panties in a twist over something that’s not going to happen. Perry may get the nomination but he’ll never win the general election. I agree American voters are pretty stupid, and they elected Bush in 2004 (maybe), but do you really think the money boyz are stupid enough to let Perry anywhere near the levers of power?

Oh, wait.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: The important thing to remember about the British parliament (particularly true with Conservatives like Campbell) is that they were all masturbating each other at public school.

@Nabisco: Lectern? I don’t know quite what you mean.: there’s the big division table and the speakers’ lectern. Though they might all really want to have a model train set to play with I doubt Madame Speaker would allow it. She’s quite strict. As it is, when the boys get out of hand it’s off to bed with no cocoa.

@Nabisco: Dude, your Twitter’s been hacked. Unless you’re spamming it to earn pocket change.

@Benedick HRH KFC:

A great bit from the Young Ones (the “Bambi” epsiode, Alexei Sayle’s train driver):

All you get from a public school, right — one, you get a top job, right, and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that’s why British management’s so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom, they’re all shutting each others’ dicks in the door! “Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!” BAM! OW OW OW! “Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let’s play the Panzer commander and the millkmaid, EW EW EW EW! YOO HOO!”



Could it be fundraising for the Dodger/SFL ticket in 2012?

Considering the depths the other campaigns will sink to for fundraising, we’ll need to pull out all the stops to keep up. Ponzi scheme anyone?

@Benedick HRH KFC: “The Table of the House”.
@nojo: Wha? My “beesko” account? Never use it – I’ll check and wipe as appropriate.

ADD: no, I’m not a stay at home mom.

@Nabisco: I must have signed up for it ages ago — it was a shock to see it turn up my timeline. Especially as tweetspam.

I’ll check and wipe as appropriate.

So say we all.

@nojo: I switched to a more meatspace friendly tweetID years ago, and use it – as you described Twitter a week or so back – as my newswire.

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