Our guest columnist this afternoon is Jon Stewart, writing in 2004.

A free and independent press is essential to the health of a functioning democracy. It serves to inform the voting public on matters relevant to its well-being. Why they’ve stopped doing that is a mystery. I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing when the judge sets his hearing date, while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened? These spineless cowards in the press have finally gone too far. They have violated a trust. “Was the president successful in convincing the country?” Who gives a shit? Why not tell us if what he said was true? And the excuses. My God, the excuses! “Hey, we just give the people what they want.” “What can we do, this administration is secretive.” “But the last season of Friends really is news.” The unmitigated gall of these weak-willed… You’re supposed to be helping us, you indecent piles of shit! I… fuck it. Just fuck it…

Why anybody should expect that Jon Stewart, speaking in 2010, should be any different, is beyond us.

America (The Book) [Stinque@Amazon kickback link]

As you enjoy the festivities in Washington, please permit me to throw ice water on your fun.  I do this because, of course, we all know what is coming.  Barring a miracle, the Dems will lose the House, and the Senate will probably hang on the vote of Joe Lieberman, of all people.

Not a surprise, in light of the usual performance of out-parties in midterms.  But the whos and hows this time around make my head hurt.  For example, take Sharron Angle (please).  When asked about her views on foreign policy, her response left something to be desired.  Like, for instance, an actual thought.  She said: “I’ll answer those questions when I’m the Senator.” 

She said this the week before an election.  And she still could win.  Oh, to be a fly on the wall when she goes in for the inevitable policy boot-camp Jim DeMint is going to run for his new minions.  That will be hilarious.

Seriously, though:  The Dems had momentum and a clear mandate for change.  They passed sweeping legislation — not a whole loaf by any stretch, but something tangible.  And they are about to lose to a bunch of people who are as content-free as a documentary on the life of a mayfly.  And not just content-free, but people who actually break into fits when asked to think about something.  What this says about politics, and about Americans, is almost too frightening to contemplate.  It is enough to say that, if ever there was a moment for sanity, it is now.

With that: OPEN THREAD!  Laugh to keep from crying, everyone.

Yahoo’s Michael Calderone, formerly Politico’s Michael Calderone, shows how a professional wordsmith gins up controversy where none exists:

As was the case with the Beck event, commentators and critics are having a hard time trying to pin down exactly what Stewart is up to this week leading into the event. The Comedy Central host sat down with President Obama and has regularly touted the show’s effort to assemble (as Beck also claimed to) disaffected individuals seeking sanity from the hyper-charged political atmosphere and 24/7 news cycle.

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“Citing cases dating back as far as 1928, a judge has ruled that a young girl accused of running down an elderly woman while racing a bicycle with training wheels on a Manhattan sidewalk two years ago can be sued for negligence.” Juliet Breitman, the alleged perp, was 4. [NYT]

Jonah Goldberg is an editor-at-large of National Review Online and a visiting fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. In these excerpts from today’s syndicated column, Mr. Goldberg imagines the murder of a political opponent.

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P.J. Crowley is Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs.

Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer have been held on trumped-up espionage charges by Iran since July 2009, when they were captured near the Kurdistan border while hiking. Fattal is “an environmentalist who worked for three years at the Aprovecho Research Center in Cottage Grove, Oregon, which teaches sustainable living skills.” (Cottage Grove is near Eugene.) Bauer is a freelance journalist and photographer. Both are 28.

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Our guest columnist is a red-haired clown who offers delicious, long-lasting meals to the public, writing from Canton, Ohio.

As the election season is here we wanted you to know which candidates will help our business grow in the future. As you know, the better our business does it enables us to invest in our people and our restaurants. If the right people are elected we will be able to continue with raises and benefits at or above our present levels. If others are elected we will not.

As always who you vote for is completely your personal decision and many factors go into your decision.

The following candidates are the ones we believe will help our business move forward.

John Kasich for Governor

Rob Portman for Senate

Jim Renacci for Congress

Ohio McDonald’s Tells Employees To Vote Republican If They Want To Continue Receiving Raises And Benefits [ThinkProgress]