Why is Jonah Goldberg Still Alive?

Jonah Goldberg is an editor-at-large of National Review Online and a visiting fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. In these excerpts from today’s syndicated column, Mr. Goldberg imagines the murder of a political opponent.

  • “I’d like to ask a simple question: Why isn’t Julian Assange dead?”
  • “So again, I ask: Why wasn’t Assange garroted in his hotel room years ago?”
  • “You’d think Assange, super-whistle-blower of the international left, would be a greasy stain on the Autobahn already.”
  • “It wouldn’t do any good to kill him, given the nature of the Web.”
  • “Even if the CIA wanted to take him out, they couldn’t without massive controversy. That’s because assassinating a hipster Australian Web guru as opposed to a Muslim terrorist is the kind of controversy no official dares invite.”

We congratulate Mr. Goldberg on his clever use of Mr. Assange’s continuing vitality to demonstrate that the CIA lacks Advanced Russian Umbrella Technology. By the same token, Mr. Goldberg’s continuing vitality conclusively proves that God does not exist, for otherwise he would have long since been struck dead by lightning.

Why is Assange still alive? [Chicago Tribune]

he is kept alive only to punish Lucianne.

Is this the same dude who was writing about his toddler’s cheese snobbery? No, that was some other asshole, but not nearly as big as this one.

Yes, because intelligence agencies (especially those from the West, not named Mossad) spend all their time using their James Bonds with licenses to kill.

At this rate, I might have to forsake James Bond Films because of idiots like this who confuse Fleming WW2 WARTIME experiences with the realities of today. He doesn’t seem to get that the reasons why the CIA in particular doesn’t kill people is
a) they’re not really good at it (see Castro, Fidel)
b) Ronnie Raygun banned it in the 80s
c) it’s generally frowned upon as the blow back from said assassination wrecks intelligence agencies and keeps them from doing what they’re actually supposed to do which is collect and analyze information

It’s great the way he can pretend that Assagne is not getting 100% of his documentation from Americans with security clearances, something Joshua, as a retarded guy who spends most of his time in parking lots at neonazi revivalist meetings begging skin heads to jerk off on his face, will never receive.

Why is Jonah Goldberg Still Alive?

…Cruel fate?

…Real Jonah died before taking his first breath so Lucianne raised the afterbirth?

…God high on paint fumes and drinking hand sanitizer for the past 40-odd years?

…the stink of pure bullshit almost impossible to get out of internet?

… really Andy Kaufmann?

@Benedick: Some asshole who’s never worked a day in his life.

Breaking Hard: Barry O confirms explosives found in packages on those flights from Yemen.


Well, in Goldberg’s defense he already believes in the neocon-flavored version of SPECTRE, namely the supposedly all-powerful al Qaeda.

It’s distinct from the one the rest of us know about, which apparently can’t train people to build a bomb for shit and is really more of a “terror venture capitalist network”. No, Goldberg’s variation is an elite network of secret agents all under the direct micromanagement of BlofeldGoldsteinOsama.

@Benedick: He is a human-shaped blob of Cheetos and Trans-Fat that types things, usually incredible distortions of history and over-entitled whining.

There is hair on it, but it doesn’t help.

@SanFranLefty: Which will prove conclusively that Bush kept us safe from terrorists.

And BTW, I thought Pres Obama was pretty terrific on The Daily Show. Stylish passionate and intelligent. I have thoughts on the so-called enthusiasm gap but I suspect they will not make me popular around here.

Now I have to go work on the voter-fraud scheme I’m organizing.


Aw come on, Benedick, spill! I love your thoughts! Plus, I have work to do that I am avoiding.

enthusiasm gap is bunk. more democrats than republicans are voting early I hear. I also think that there may be enough brown people voting that are not being picked by pollsters to make for some surprises tuesday.

@Tommmcatt Thinks Masturbation Can Also Involve The Mainstream Media: What did we all think was going to happen? It was a point of departure not Happy-Happy Land. I for one find nothing wrong with paying for health insurance. You already do something similar with your Medicare add-on. The system is very well done considering how complicated the insurance companies try to make it. Why not extend that to everyone? It’ll be a hell of a lot cheaper than it is now. And if someone can’t afford it then it can be subsidized. It seems to me that moral outrage is to the left what teabagger anger is to the right. We need to remember what we’re aiming for and not give up if it doesn’t happen overnight.

This is a lot like Musical Theatre. When you’re in tech and the set won’t move because it’s so damn complex and all the men dancers are complaining that their pants make their ass look fat and everyone has forgotten why they ever liked the show in the first place. And the director has finally got to admit that the very expensive prop he swore was essential will have to be cut and so will the number that features the most exciting music of the show but which undercuts the next song which has got to land properly to make the first act work. So everyone has to make all the mistakes they can and everything that can go wrong has got to go wrong so that slowly, very slowly, the show starts to emerge from the wreckage and even when you have to cancel the first 10 previews some kind of shape is emerging and even though everyone is exhausted, the stage manager can sometimes be seen smiling. That’s kind of where we are. And that is not a good time to fire the director.

Why is he alive?

Wingnut Welfare.

And I’d forgotten that I’d coined the phrase “colostomy bag of wingnuts”.

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