I Can Has Petrified Cheezburger?

As a Responsible Journalist, we’re obligated to say that these examples of months-old — and years-old — McDonald’s products that defy rot constitute purely anecdotal evidence of the company’s superior manufacuring techniques, and by no means demonstrate with scientific certainty that they will bury you.

For that matter, in the interest of full disclosure, we once accidentally left a bagel out, and within a week it had become a hardened weapon, leaving a dent in the wall as it shattered on impact.

Happily, an enterprising geek has decided to put the Urban Legend to the test — as well as your attention span:

[ Flash video not available. ]

Behold! The Rotting Cheeseburger Webcam!

Watch My Burger

Story of 6-month-old Happy Meal reveals many other McDonald’s hoarders [Yahoo]


This helps explain why I’ve only eaten at a McD’s once in 8 years and that was because I had no choice.

ETA: it’s not that I hate junk food or don’t eat it. I just prefer stuff my body can digest.

This is why we’re doomed. This is what has destroyed the country. The fact that advertising has convinced people they like to eat this crap, that it makes them happy, and that it’s good for their children. Clearly it’s shite, tastes like shite, looks like shite and will kill you after it makes you fat. I don’t know if it’s cheap. Then we have the whole cow-torture-in-the-amazon issue. The animals skinned alive issue. (My God, I’m up on my high-horse already and it isn’t even 8.)

So if advertising can make the country believe it wants this shite it can make the country believe anything. Which is why Palin no longer amuses me, why Glenn Beck isn’t funny, and why Christine O’Donnell can be in the senate. So long as someone (eg Koch Industries) is willing to buy the air time, anything is possible.

@ManchuCandidate: @Benedick: And yet, for all my agreement and general avoidance of “fast food”, it is currently dinnertime, I’m lazy, and if I could pick up the phone and order in a Mac n fries right now I would.

Instead I think I’ll steam some Chinese dumplings.

@Benedick: no shit and dig this thought:
american corporate agribusiness is so fucked up that they have invented, mass marketed, and delivered into every human body something so bad for us that in comparison pure, uncut, hard core cane sugar seems healthy: high fructose by god corn syrup. many companies are now marketing high content real cane sugar teas and soft drinks as healthy. how fucked up is that.? i know this is not news to anyone here, but i have fallen victim to cane sugar, the new health food. i have purchased the throw back pepsis and mountain dews with real sugar and a company called sweet leaf makes a black tea with lemon (and of course cane sugar) in a blue can that kicks ass. i may soon end up with all my teeth rotted out just like the european royal families did when cane sugar was first imported from the new world. all in attempt to stay healthy and off the corn syrup.

@Nabisco: ring me up a triple by god baconator too. tell them i better get three dollars off if it takes more than 30 minutes to get here or somebody might get that ass whupped.

@jwmcsame: All the sodas are made with real sugar over here, and they taste good. But yeah, I noticed the new marketing back in the homeland this summer, and had a good chuckle. Won’t be long before the kids start saying “But Mom, it’s healthier“.

[when cane sugar was first imported from the new world] x ports of call in the Caribbean = rum!

@Dodgerblue: i used to knock back a two pack every morning, first thing at work. blueberry, cherry, or the new apple struedel with frosting of course. why would anyone eat a non-frosted pop-tart? that’s like non alcoholic beer and decaf mtn dew. the best way to eat a pop tart is to put it in the toaster. when it comes out and while the tart part can still scald skin and tongue, spread a liberal slab of real butter on top, cut into quarters and have at it. you might wanna get high first too.

What pisses me off is that truth in advertising somehow doesn’t apply to fast food chains.

@jwmcsame: I like the non-frosted pop tarts because you can’t butter the frosted ones.

It’s only when I leave the protective cocoon of Nortern California or a few other cities that I’m horrified by how obese Americans are – changing planes in DFW is eye-opening.

I could really go for some Rally’s / Checkers fries right about now.


Indeed – along the same lines, I want to know why the FUCK it’s become so goddamned difficult to get some unsweetened tea here in Ohio. Used to be, it was hard to find anything *but*, but now the Southern-style has overrun the market. I’m mystified as to why it’s so difficult for people to add their OWN fucking sugar. Or even worse, they’ve taken to switching out the HFCS for sucralose – what about just selling me a bottle of water, black tea and maybe a tiny bit of lemon? Sure, it would be a terrible rip-off and I should make it at home, but it’s stunning that it seems like there’s not even anybody *interested* in selling me gussied-up water at a 400% markup.

@mellbell: Sonic! Oh, and Texas Toast! Twice a month I’m allowed Five Guys.

What’s in a name? I started reading Pollan’s In Defense of Food today. Weird when real life bumps up against this board. According to the book I read yesterday, DFW was a pop-tart fiend. I have never thought to put butter on them, but that doesn’t mean I won’t.

In other DELICIOUS news, this from my homeland: We love racist teabaggers

Back story – the (incredibly popular and effective) State Senator from my hometown (D) was running unopposed, so some clever teabaggers found this fucking loser who had moved to my hometown from Florida only a couple years before and managed to pull off a successful write in campaign to have him be the Republican challenger. This guy was already going to be lucky to get 10% of the vote (even conservative GOP types like the Democrat dude), so it isn’t like this is going ruin him because he has managed to take care of that long before this.

Oh yes, and Homofascist’s crazy libertarian teabagging cousins were instrumental in getting him on the ballot. To which I say “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”!

@al2o3cr: Lipton has a newish line that includes an unsweetened option, plus several more sweetened with sugar. It’s still Lipton, but it’s an improvement.

You know how when Limeys describe soul food, aka spaghetti on toast, baked beans on toast, etc, and you all roll your eyes and go eww? I’m afraid I feel much the same about Poptarts and sodapop. With or without the added goodness of butter. Same for Oreos and most ‘cookies’. And most especially – movie-house popcorn; the eating of which by others provoked an unpleasant scene on my part in an art house in Sarasota. I’m not proud. I just put it out there. As the bishop said to the actress.

@homofascist: Your link was bad — this should work


[important to pick up the period at the end when copying and pasting]

Yeah, it’s just weird, because the internet magick makes the link clickable but it doesn’t include the period at the end which, if not included, takes you to “page not found.”

Fucking interwebs — how does it work?

@Benedick: I cannot for the life of me figure out baked beans for breakfast. And the former colonies love them with their curries and whatnot! You BritsEnglish had an indirect approach to gas warfare.

@karen marie wants to know — Fucking integrity, how does it work?: Actually yours isn’t working either – I just fixed mine (for some reason it is not including the period automatically in the link). SORRY. The internetz are hard.

As a member of a former (politely left) colony, I didn’t really understand it either till I had some. Baked beans as a side to eggs, bacon and toast is a great way to deal with a hangover on a (really late) Sunday Morn.

Al Reynolds has found it more lucrative to do politics or other avenues than to do education.

@Nabisco: Baked beans, fresh from the tin, gently reheated then spread lavishly on thick-cut white bread, toasted and buttered, is what God fed the Israelites when they were wandering the desert and falafel, for some reason, wasn’t available.

Karen Marie – truth in advertizing doesn’t apply to Miller “A True Pilsner” Light Beer.

JNOV – Five Guys is a great burger joint. You must be from mid-Atlantic region. Have you been to “2 Fat Guys”?


@DElurker: I’m right north of you. My previous comment to you a couple of weeks ago may have been buried, but I invited you to go shopping with me at Total Wine and More. I’m about five miles from the DE border off 95.

I haven’t been to 2 Fat Guys, but I do know many. ;-)

@karen marie wants to know — Fucking integrity, how does it work? et @DElurker: Oh, and truth in advertising: I now smoke Marlboro Golds or something. I still order the lights, but, yeah, that light stuff is bullshit. I might as well go back to Newports or something, I guess.

@JNOV: Nah, Newports is the same shit — instead of “light” they’re now “gold.” I am so done with the 21st century.

@karen marie wants to know — Fucking integrity, how does it work?: Who said anything about Newport lights? ;-) Naw. I haven’t smoked a menthol (except when bumming) since my Navy days, I think. Best to leave those things alone.

@al2o3cr: the real southern sweet tea with so much of the now healthy cane sugar that half of the sugar crystals couldn’t dissolve used to be the shit, swimming in cubed ice and all. we eat a whole bunch a chick fil-a’s here in east by god tennessee and it took us awhile to figure that the prilosec needin’ heartburn caused by the chick fil-a and sweet tea with waffle fries combo was due more to the HFCS than the chicken spices. seriously, if you just get the chick fil-a and waffle fries and get their unsweetened tea you will have no heartburn and not suffer the liver and kidney destroying side effects of prilosec. folks here in east by god tennessee gobble up more prilosec than kentuckians scarf oxycontin and hydros. that’s sayin’ alot.

@karen marie wants to know — Fucking integrity, how does it work?: no offense intended there karen about the unfrosted pop tarts. i understand how the melting butter flows off the frosted ones a little bit too fast. if you use a small plate with slightly raised ridges, it will hold the butter on the frosted pop tart better. you might figure i been at this awhile.

i enjoyed your clown reporting and comments earlier about that fool o’donnell. the only thing more fucked up than her dad being a clown is that her dad turned out to be a second string clown. can you imagine her dad talking to the other fuck ups in their neighborhood bar: “that god damned bozo stabbed me in the back when i what’n lookin’ and took my damn job. i had to fake a fall and blame it on them big ass shoes just to get my disability check.” way to work. along the same lines, have you ever heard of the palin womens/girls wombs being referred to as clown cars? you know, folks just keep on crawling out.

@JNOV: do folks out west fuck with convenience store clerks like they do here by making them go back and forth to the cigarettes stash until they get the right pack with all the complicated options like slim 100’s, soft packs, hard packs, lights, ultra lights, and so fucking on and on? then do they cause the same go ’round about getting the right kinda scratch off lottery tickets? you oughta watch some of these hillbillies scratch off their social security checks while that cigarette butt burns closer and closer to their nicotine and tar grizzled lips without once using fingers to flip the ashes away. it reminds you of keith richards with the wrinkled, worn out brow, eyes, mouth and all.

@jwmcsame: Oh, yeah, no offense taken — and none meant when I say YOU CAN’T PUT BUTTER ON FROSTED POP TARTS — IT’S AGAINST THE RULZ!!!!

And as far as Daddy O’Donnell being even a second-string Bozo, it’s my understanding from a comment that the clown expert Pat Cashin (cashincomedy) left just recently (but I can’t put my finger on the correct string), he could not have even worked as a substitute Bozo on TV for a variety of reasons, at most he might have done a grocery store opening or movie matinee.

@JNOV: There’s a Five Guys about to open half a block from my office. Should I just go ahead and declare the war against my aging metabolism over?


That’s one of the few (only?) healthy things available for purchase at Rotten Ronnie’s: Their unsweetened tea.

It’s real, brewed tea, not that instant fountain swill that most fast food shitholes try to pass off as “tea”.

As for the rest of their board of fare– pure vileness.

Although I will have a Big Mac or two per year, to satisfy some unknown, unexplainable primordial need for garbage cuisine.

Go figure…

Is it just me, or is this a form of fetishism, this…hoarding of food, and taking pictures of it thereby.


The whole burger petrifying trick has been around a long time. A guy who runs a burger museum (I can’t believe how pathetically those words go together) gives out advice on how to ‘dry out’ and thus keep your burger for all time. Of course this dried out burger is now evidence of how many chemicals McDonald’s uses… Go figure. As the astute writer of this article noted, these are anecdotal stories. For an experiment that shows that fast food does rot, go here:

Add a Comment
Please log in to post a comment