Father of All Bombs

The guidance system was left disabled during manufacture, resulting in an unpredictable weapon that careens wildly, as likely to destroy allies as enemies.

Daughter of All Bombs

Initially advertised as a defensive weapon, in its first deployment promoters were surprised to discover that it possesses the destructive force of fifty-nine Tomahawks.

Son of All Bombs

Notable for the distinctive noise it makes on impact, its rated power has been shown to be vastly overestimated, and its use limited to defenseless opponents and brush-clearing.

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What distinguishes us as a species — besides our singular ability to destroy all creation — is that we tell stories.

We’ve been telling stories for thousands of years. Our stories try to make sense of our world, and our place in it. Our stories can be fanciful, allegorical, misleading, even literal.

They can also be dangerous.

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MOMMMMEEEEEE! That’s it, FUCKFACE! Call me fucking MOMMMEEEEEEE! when I twist my fist in your big fat fucking ass! This will get you ready for that 10,000 year sentence you will get in Leavenworth and all nice and ripped open for the 1000s of cannibal neonazi serial killers who are going to make you their bizarre, orange bride!

History’s most insanely malicious president and the biggest ASSHOLE! to sit in the speakers chair, displacing boy rapists like Dennis Hastert and obscene, raving drunks like John Boehner are like Jeffrey Dahmer and Charles Manson in the same softball team, ever competitive and always trying to cave in the other asshole’s face with a Louisville Slugger.

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DUCKY! DUCKY! Did you see that headline? Oh, FUCK! DUCKY! they hate me, DUCKY! THEY HATE ME! How can that be? Booohooobooooohoooo!

Insane Kremlin chew toy Queen FUCKFACE! von CLOWNSTICK! is overwhelmed with depression by the fact that everyone in the universe understands what a twisted treasonous, pathetic piece of owned shit he is and righteously wants him to just go and fucking throw himself off of the 14th Street bridge.

The Washington Post reported this week,  “The media clearly matters to Trump, however. And Trump’s penchant for holding grudges seems to be sucking whatever joy should come with winning the ultimate prize.”

HA!

HA! HA!

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

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Dear Penthouse,

I never thought I’d be writing you, but the other night I had dinner with a woman who is not my wife. After praising our Lord for His bounty, I asked her to please pass the salt. Our fingers accidentally touched, and the next thing I know she’s shoving the table clean with one sweep of her arm and throwing me down on it, taking my throbbing member into her mouth, and finishing me off like a ladle of gravy. I seek pence for my sins. Er, penance.

Race Bannon

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Insane president from outer space FUCKFACE! von KLOWNSTICK will end his days chained to a pipe in the shower in Allenwood and AMERICA! counts the days until then.

After enduring nearly two hellacious embarrassing months in office during which not one cat in AMERICA! was able to keeps its dinner down, Precedent FUCKFACE! von KLOWNSTICK!, got a grade of F from 1 in 3 voters, according to a new McClatchy-Marist Poll.

By contrast, the same number graded predecessor Democrat Barack Obama’s performance a B as he approached his 100th day in office, McClatchy reported this week.

“Every time he speaks . . . my cat power chucks across the yard. It’s phenomenal, the explosive emetogenic response be provokes,” said a witness to western civilization’s last days from Auburn, WA. “I have never seen this kind of stuff fly out of any animal.”

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The Wall Street Journal reports today that Kremlin-Turk triple agent and traitor-for-hire Mike Flynn, President Donald Trump’s former national security adviser, “has told the Federal Bureau of Investigation and congressional officials investigating the Trump campaign’s potential ties to Russia that he is willing to be interviewed in exchange for a grant of immunity from prosecution, according to officials with knowledge of the matter.”

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