Our guest columnist is the cofounder of Google and profoundly naive.

I must confess, I am dreading today’s elections.

Not because of who might win or lose.

Not because as a Californian, my vote for President will count 1/3 as much as an Alaskan (actually it won’t matter at all — I’m not in a swing state).

Not because my vote for Senate will count 1/50 as much as an Alaskan.

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Seeing as we’re close personal friends of Barry and Mitt and Joe and Paul — that is, we’re on the mailing lists for Team Obama and Team Mitt — we’ve received friendly emails with handy links that instruct us where to vote. Let’s click them!

The Team Obama email links to this page, where we enter our address and zip code, and — Voila! — our personal polling location shows up!

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It wouldn’t be an election day without Fox News fear-mongering race-baiting expressing concern over darkies standing guard potential voter intimidation in Philly.

Not shown: White people.

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With any luck, we’ll finally be able to delete the (uncorrected) “With Mitt” app from our iPhone after tonight. Find out whether we’re stuck with it when our Election 2012 Stinquetacular! convenes at 6pm ET.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Our guest columnist has been phoning it in for twenty years.

Romney ends most rallies with his story of the Colorado scout troop that in 1986 had an American flag put in the space shuttle Challenger, saw the Challenger blow up as they watched on TV, and then found, through the persistence of their scoutmaster, that the flag had survived the explosion. It was returned to them by NASA officials. When Romney, afterward, was shown the flag, he touched it, and an electric jolt went up his arm. It’s a nice story. He doesn’t make its meaning fully clear. But maybe he means it as a metaphor for America: It can go through a terrible time, a catastrophe, as it has economically the past five years, and still emerge whole, intact, enduring.

Monday Morning [Peggy Noonan/WSJ]

It’s extremely cold in NY & NJ—not good for flood victims. Where is global warming?

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 5, 2012