But we’ll understand the confusion. Daniel John Essek, proud resident of Kentucky’s Whitley County, and founder of the Society for Liberty and Prosperity (membership: two, including his wife), wants a federal judge to rule whether Barack Obama’s Hawaii birth certificate is a forgery.

“This is patriotism,” says the Ron Paul/John McCain/Sarah Palin supporter.

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Let’s work through this together. Seems there’s a zoo in Bloomington, Illinois, that came up with a novel holiday gift: Reindeer shit.

Staffers make decorations out of droppings from the zoo’s two reindeer, Ealu and Rika. The droppings are dried, then clear-coated and either painted or rolled in glitter.

They call it “magical reindeer gem ornaments,” although if you contemplate Santa sitting behind nine ornament factories at supersonic speed, a better name might be “Shit on a Kringle.”

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The man who forced generations of schoolchildren to mumble in fear each morning died on Thanksgiving, more than a half-century after he brought McCarthyism to the classroom.

It was transplanted Glaswegian and Presbyterian mole George M. Docherty who in 1952 campaigned to get “Under God” added to the Pledge of Allegiance, fearing his 7-year-old son would roast in the pits of Hades, or worse, turn Commie, if he didn’t swear fealty to a mythical airborne foodstuff before spelling lessons:

“I didn’t know that the Pledge of Allegiance was, and he recited it, ‘one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all,'” he recalled in an interview with The Associated Press in 2004. “I came from Scotland, where we said ‘God save our gracious queen,’ ‘God save our gracious king.’ Here was the Pledge of Allegiance, and God wasn’t in it at all.”

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Programming informs us that the miniseries was such a success, a full-season pickup will be announced Monday. In a hilarious upcoming scene previewed for the entertainment media, everybody reaches for the 3 a.m. call at once.

Clinton to Be Introduced as Part of Obama Security Team [NYT]

Title: The Christmas Sweater

Author: Glenn Beck

Rank: 14

Blurb: “Scarred deeply by the realization that kids don’t always get what they want, and too young to understand that he already owned life’s most valuable treasures, that Christmas morning was the beginning of Eddie’s dark and painful journey on the road to manhood. It will take wrestling with himself, his faith, and his family — and the guidance of a mysterious neighbor named Russell — to help Eddie find his path through the storm clouds of life and finally see the real significance of that simple gift his mother had crafted by hand with love in her heart.”

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Stop torturing yourself. Give it up and order a pizza.

Leftovers [Flickr]

We hate to serve up sloppy seconds the day after Thanksgiving, but just look at the slim pickings out there:

• Japan workers told to go home and procreate [Guardian UK]
• Even sex can’t sell in this economy [Boston.com]
• ‘I’m 35 and have never had sex’ [GoodToKnow UK]
• Everything You Need To Know About Hitler’s “Missing” Testicle [Slate]

Pitiful. So here goes:

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