U.S. Retail Gasoline Prices [DoE]

Barry’s about to choose — his mate!

You have helped build this movement from the bottom up, and Barack wants you to be the first to know his choice.

Sign up today to be the first to know:

http://my.barackobama.com/vp

You will receive an email the moment Barack makes his decision, or you can text VP to 62262 to receive a text message on your mobile phone.

Oh pleasepleaseplease let it be — well, let it not be. Anyone else is fine.

Singer, songwriter Isaac Hayes dies at age 65 [AP]

Preacher Thomas Howell was driving to his Cincinnati church one morning last June when the Devil, assuming the form of restaurant cook April Evans, cut him off at the intersection of Burnet and Forest.

So, inspired by a vengeful God, he did what any man of the cloth would do: Pulled up alongside her, whipped out his pistol, “and asked if she knew who she was messing with before threatening to shoot.”

Apparently she didn’t, as the two cars proceeded to reenact the more exciting parts of The French Connection through the neighborhoods of Clifton, Avondale and Walnut Hills.

“Every time I get in back of him, he would pull the gun out on me and point it towards me and whatever,” Evans testified last week. “He said, ‘You don’t know who I am,’ called me another [name] and said… ‘I’ll shoot you.’ ”

Howell was convicted of aggravated menacing. A spokesangel for the Lord said He was too busy deciding which Olympic athletes to bless, and unavailable for comment.

Preacher guilty of road-rage [Cincinnati Enquirer]

We the citizens of the United States of America would like to formally apologize for being unable to keep our nutcases shackled in the basement. We understand that while you might find the Westboro Hate Clown Troupe amusing from a distance, allowing them to penetrate your borders in order to protest the funeral of a bus beheading victim because your country doesn’t burn homosexualists at the stake is tantamount to an act of war. Please don’t embargo the BC bud in retaliation.

P.S. You’re off the hook for Bryan Adams.

Police issue warning, caution against funeral disturbances [Winnepeg Sun]

At the Iowa State Fair, John McCain participates in a tableaux honoring his cogenerationist Thomas Nast. In a related story, Dick Cheney will speak the first night of the Republican convention.

McCain at the Iowa State Fair [NYT]

The Houston Police Department has been caught with its pants down after $50,000 worth of sex toys turned up missing from its property warehouse.

The 564 “devices” — sorry, details not available — were seized in a 2005 vice raid on the Adult Video Megaplexxx, and locked away as evidence. But after the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the relevant law and the owners asked for their inventory back, they were told the toys had been destroyed.

One problem with that: There’s no required court order on file authorizing the destruction.

But while we entertain the obvious explanations, pity the poor acting director of the UT law school’s Criminal Defense Clinic, who got called to comment on the story. “If I go over to your house and spend the night there and leave my shoes,” he asked, “can I expect my shoes to be there three years later?”

Missing sex toys raise concerns at HPD property room [Houston Chronicle]