We’ve been trying to rewrite this lead all afternoon, but how do you compete with greatness?

A man has been banned by a court from having sex with his partner at her home after keeping neighbours awake with loud shouting and banging in the night.

Really, you might as well try to outswim Phelps, or outkaraoke some cute Chinese kid.

As to the details: neighbors complained, Rutting Gold Medalist Adam Hinton was hit with a £200 fine for “breaching a noise abatement order” — crank at 11, we hope — Hinton threatened the neighbors, and the Brighton, England, council stepped in with an injunction against him to mind his distance.

How loud was it? While we can’t find reports of car alarms being set off, some neighbors had to be moved to quieter flats. How can you sleep with all that fucking racket going on?

Man banned from sex at love nest [BBC. That’s right. BB-fucking-C.]

Reading through the Obama campaign’s 40-page response to Swift Boat II: Barackolypse Now, we’re rather disappointed with the quality of the calumny. There’s nothing your idiot relatives haven’t already warned you about in forwarded emails — the madrassa, the drugs, assorted radicals and militants, Rezko — plus an odd diversion into Kenyan politics which would bore us even if true.

However: Did you know that Barack Obama shamelessly plagiarizes the sixteenth and eighteenth centuries?

In a section on borrowed lines from movies, Corsi wrote, “Obama has repeatedly used the words bamboozled and hoodwinked in framing his argument that the truth has been hidden from voters.”

What makes this noteworthy is the full page devoted to addressing this slur, with seven examples of contemporary usage, including Jesse Jackson Jr. (“We’ve been hoodwinked, bamboozled, run amok and led astray by Al Jolson politics before.” — Pop taught you well, kiddo) and Ray Nagin. Which we’re sure will come in very handy the next time you’re challenged to defend Barry’s use of haolebonics.

The book debuts at the top of the Times “nonfiction” list this week, and while purchasers may be hoping to be goshbustified by a sockdolager, we suspect instead they’ll be hornswoggled by a scalawag absquatulating with their hard-earned skrilla.

Obama campaign issues rebuttal to book’s claims [AP]

Unfit for Publication [Obama campaign]

Hillary Clinton will be placed in nomination at convention [LAT]

You give us the first, we’ll think about the second.

Colin Powell: Will he or won’t he publicly back Barack Obama? [LAT]

Everything you need to know about Olympic badminton. (Sorry, couldn’t find anything to match the swimmers.)

Bach’s big booster: His dad will watch S.F. badminton star go for glory [SFGate]

Nathan Robertson and Gail Emms defy the odds [Times UK]

We’re starting to think the Harley fumes got to Geezer.

Facing a Constitutionally imposed deadline of January 20 to declare martial law or get out of Dodge, the Bush Administration has launched a government-wide mandate to undermine any laws it has not yet ignored.

“This one’s tough,” said a harried DoJ lawyer, speaking on background. “There’s not much left.”

Insiders were shocked that the Endangered Species Act had lasted this long, and blamed Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne for not dispatching it sooner. Kempthorne finally got around to knocking off bald eagles and polar bears Monday night, allowing federal agencies to skip scientific review and decide for themselves whether running an Interstate through Yosemite was likely to cause problems for non-voting rodents.

“Look, we’re busy figuring out how to stripmine Yellowstone,” said Kempthorne. “Cut us some slack.”

The new Suck or Die Initiative aims to secure George W. Bush’s place in history as not merely the worst but the most destructive U.S. president, amid concerns that a McCain Administration may challenge his standing. The initiative follows recent revelations that Bush included a signing statement with his oath of office.

Bush to relax protected species rules [AP]