Connecticut Post

Sure, Johnny boffed the chick, but he swears her child is not the daughter of the son of a millworker. He stopped fucking the mother months before the birth.

But we just want to revive one of the great SNL bits, Ackroyd as Jimmy discussing the timeless Democratic tradition, “sexual performance in the White House”:

So far in my campaign, I have only fantisized. But now I actually look forward to some of the girls I’ve lusted after. Saucy vixens like Lainie Kazan, Shari Lewis, Phyllis Newman — actually, I’m not sure God ever forgave me for Phyllis Newman. But I want you to look at our Democratic figures — FDR, LBJ, JFK, Harry Truman — now, here were lusty, zesty men, seething with vital hormonal secretions. These were men of action. Doers. Democrats! As your president, I look forward to deeply satisfying each and every last one of you! God forgive us all! Thank you!

Barry, we’re looking at you. Phylicia Rashad ain’t getting any younger.

Edwards Admits Sexual Affair; Lied as Presidential Candidate [ABC]

You’ll pardon our sheltered upbringing, but we didn’t know there was a “Black National Anthem,” and apparently it’s not Les McCann singing “Compared to What.”

It’s official name is “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” originally a poem by James Weldon Johnson, and first sung in 1900 on Lincoln’s Birthday by a choir of 500 children at the segregated Jacksonville, Florida, school where Johnson was principal.

Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us.

Sounds really nice when Aretha does it, but then so does everything.

Johnson’s brother Rosamond wrote the music, and the song was an instant inspirational hit. By 1919, the NAACP had adopted it as its official anthem, and it was revived during the civil-rights movement. In 1990, it was entered into the Congressional Record as “The African American National Hymn.”

Oh, and if you sing it instead of the Star-Spangled Banner before a Denver mayoral speech, you’ll get hate mail and death threats.

Rene Marie talks about death threats since ‘anthem switch’ [News2 Denver]

“If Obama can show himself to be a person of faith, it also helps him combat the idea that he’s an elitist, that he’s not a mainstream American.”
  – Steve Waldman, founder and
  editor-in-chief of Beliefnet

• “The reactor is about to blow! Send me the most typical people you’ve got!”
• The Tamest Generation
• The Few. The Proud. The Shunned.
• “I’m knave of the world!”
• Profiles in Average
• My Child Keeps His Head Down at Middleton Middle School
• Lives of the Ain’ts
• “Some are born mediocre, some achieve mediocrity, and some have mediocrity thrust upon them.”
• Guinness Book of World Medians
• “Just because he can walk on water doesn’t make him special.”

Evangelicals Up For Grabs? Candidates Court Voters [NPR]

While McCain’s latest ad is being noted for going back to the “celebrity” well, what catches our eye are the two money shots illustrating his energy plan: a majestic midday view of an offshore drilling platform, plus a dramatic perspective of the cooling tower of a nuclear power plant.

What? No?

John McCain ad again questions ‘celebrity’ Barack Obama’s leadership credentials [LAT]

Greyhound has scrapped an advertising campaign that extolled the relaxing effects of bus travel after a passenger was accused of repeatedly stabbing and then beheading a traveler in the next seat while their bus was on a desolate stretch of highway in Manitoba last week. (AP)

“Cancel that ad now or heads will roll!”

A man who wore press credentials and took photographs from a platform interrupted Barack Obama’s town-hall meeting Tuesday by shouting complaints that the Democratic presidential candidate had not called for the audience to say the Pledge of Allegiance. (AP)

I was returning home with my family from a ski trip when suddenly the brakes gave out on the steep mountain road. After narrowly missing two oncoming cars, I lost control and we plunged over a cliff, rolling six or seven times before landing in a fiery explosion. I’ll never forget to say the Pledge again.
— Joe R., Medford, Ore.

The one day I forgot to say the Pledge was the day my house collapsed under a falling jet engine. Learned my lesson!
— Beverly D., Indianapolis, Ind.

Just for kicks, I tried saying “Underwear” instead of “Under God”. Three prostate surgeries and a bankruptcy later, I’m now eating leftovers from the Dumpster behind the Olive Garden.
— Richard H., Biloxi, Miss.

Despite my best effort to suppress it, midway through I let out this honker of a sneeze. I’m still dealing with the whiplash lawsuits from everyone spinning their heads to glare at me.
— Susan M., Casper, Wy.

It’s only words? You wouldn’t say that if you had been abducted by aliens, subjected to anal probes, your organs harvested for the Feast of Interstellar Conquest, implanted with the seed of Gzymidranopoz, and given birth to the Xyzznothan Lord of Darkness, all in twenty-seven minutes.
— William J., Sparks, Nev.

Honest to gosh I try, but whenever I say “with liberty and justice for all,” Dick slaps me upside the head.
— George B., Washington, D.C.

Man heckles Obama about Pledge of Allegiance [AP]