McCain started his week with a visit to the National Label Co. in Lafayette Hill, Pa. The 97-year-old, family owned business makes labels for an array of products, from medicines such as Tylenol to shampoos in the Suave family. (AP)

Try New GEEZEX!

WARNING: GEEZEX (fuckus republicanus) is intended for the relief of fear due to change. GEEZEX is not for everyone. Clinical studies have shown GEEZEX to be ineffective against outbreaks of Paultardia and Huckapox. Do not take GEEZEX when driving or operating heavy machinery, as loss of consciousness may occur when exposed to prolonged dosages. Do not take GEEZEX in combination with conscience inhibitors, as Rovian Dysentery may result. Side effects may include shortness of temper, electoral dysfunction, explosive diarrhea, and dark nights of the soul. Ask your pastor whether GEEZEX is right for you.

Netflix member “NA 937504” on camp trash classic The Toxic Avenger:

If you were to shove a cherry bomb up a brain damaged gorilla’s can, give him a camera, and the resources to shoot a film — this is what you would end up with.

No, no, no — that’s a negative review. The good ones recommend filming the gorilla.

• June 4, addressing AIPAC:
  “Jerusalem will remain the capital of Israel, and it must remain undivided.”
• June 26, on DC v. Heller:
  “I have always believed that the Second Amendment protects the right of individuals to bear arms, but I also identify with the need for crime-ravaged communities to save their children from the violence that plagues our streets through common-sense, effective safety measures. The Supreme Court has now endorsed that view.”
• July 1, on expanding “faith-based” programs:
  “Make no mistake, as someone who used to teach constitutional law, I believe deeply in the separation of church and state, but I don’t believe this partnership will endanger that idea.”
• July 10, on FISA:
  “Senator Obama has said before that the compromise bill is not perfect,” his campaign said in a statement. “Given the choice between voting for an improved yet imperfect bill, and losing important surveillance tools, Senator Obama chose to support the FISA compromise.”
• August 1, on offshore drilling:
  “If we can come up with a genuine, bipartisan compromise in which I have to accept some things I don’t like, or the Democrats have to accept some things that they don’t like, in exchange for moving us in the direction of energy independence, than that’s something I’m open to.”

Damn those nuanced positions. They’re really starting to mess with our head.

Obama’s Shift on Drilling [WaPo]

Bank teller Robin Davis was simply minding her own business one day when the Lord deposited $10,304 to her account. But when she tried to withdraw $1,500 of it, God forgot to countersign the cashier’s check.

And now He’s acting like He doesn’t even know her.

A Sumter, South Carolina, jury convicted Davis of fraud Friday, despite her insistence that the adjustment was literally a gift from God. Her lawyer plans to appeal, on the apparent grounds that Jehovah failed to answer a summons to explain why He used her bank ID and password to grace her financial status.

But prosecutor Catherine Fant hinted she already has that Witness on ice. “If God would have given you the money and blessed you,” said Fant, “he wouldn’t have framed you.”

Ex-teller found guilty of bank fraud [Sumter Item]

Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers will simultaneously publish inspirational picture book biographies of Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton. The exceptional accomplishments of these larger-than-life politicians will be highlighted in their individual illustrated biographies.
—PR Newswire

Hillary Hears a Who

Oh, no.
I can not hear your call.
I can not hear your call at all.
This is not good
and I know why.
A mouse has cut the wire.
Good-by!

Hop on McPop

I do not like
this one so well.
All he does
is yell, yell, yell.
I will not have this one about.
When he comes in
I put him out.

The Barack in the Hat

Did you ever
fly a kite
in bed?

Did you ever walk
with ten cats
on your head?

Did you ever milk
this kind of cow?
Well, we can do it.
We know how.

If you never did,
you should.
These things are fun
and fun is good.

Hillary vs. Obama in the children’s book smackdown [Boston.com]

Maybe it’s best that we can’t find details about this, but Edward Smith of Washington really loves cars. No, he really loves them. Yes, that way.

His current squeeze is Vanilla, a white Beetle. This follows tempestuous affairs with Victoria (’69 Beetle) and Cinnamon (’73 Opal), but he also likes to rock the larger ladies, like Ginger (’93 Ranger). And then there are the thousand or so one-night stands in showrooms and with strangers’ cars, which might explain those neighborhood alarms going off at 2 a.m.

Smith himself is a ’51 American who peeled his first paint at 15. “Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall, but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters, it’s just wonderful,” he says when he’s not shagging the upholstery.

We’d write more, but our Civic has been a bad coupe and needs to be punished.

Meet the man who has had sex with 1,000 cars! [Newstrack India]

Are we missing something? Because every time we see one of these Avis ads, we just want to go out and rent a Hertz.

John McCain compares Barack Obama to the original celebrity [LAT]