If Symptoms Persist, Call Your Mortician

McCain started his week with a visit to the National Label Co. in Lafayette Hill, Pa. The 97-year-old, family owned business makes labels for an array of products, from medicines such as Tylenol to shampoos in the Suave family. (AP)


WARNING: GEEZEX (fuckus republicanus) is intended for the relief of fear due to change. GEEZEX is not for everyone. Clinical studies have shown GEEZEX to be ineffective against outbreaks of Paultardia and Huckapox. Do not take GEEZEX when driving or operating heavy machinery, as loss of consciousness may occur when exposed to prolonged dosages. Do not take GEEZEX in combination with conscience inhibitors, as Rovian Dysentery may result. Side effects may include shortness of temper, electoral dysfunction, explosive diarrhea, and dark nights of the soul. Ask your pastor whether GEEZEX is right for you.

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