Marcel Parcells

No More Bareback Orgies for Catholics

Hey Everybody! The Pope has made the landmark decision that the Catholic Church now approves of the use of condoms:

when the sole intention is to “reduce the risk of infection” from Aids.

So, I’m going to celebrate this Saturday night, by putting on my first rubber and sexing a woman with it. Actually, I’m going to have sex with a needle-sharing gay African man, so that I can make sure I am reducing my exposure to AIDS and then I can still go to Heaven when I die.

This also means that the risk of exposing both Priests and altar boys to the disease will be greatly reduced. Party on, Pope!

Pope approves use of condoms in fight against AIDS [Telegraph]

Republicans Still Hate the Man in Charge

“We have a constitutional remedy,” Broden said then. “And the Framers say if that don’t work, revolution.”

That’s GOP House candidate Stephen Broden, running in a luckily heavily democratic District, making his willingness for violent overthrow of the government known.  After his interviewer pressed him on whether the option of violent revolution was still in play, he said:

The option is on the table. I don’t think that we should remove anything from the table as it relates to our liberties and our freedoms.

This warmonger is, of course, a pastor by profession. It’s a good thing our country’s Republican leaders don’t actually like to fight in wars, and are too busy manning up for the Texas Air National Guard, popping out a little Elizabeth Cheney 9 months and 2 days after married men without children become eligible for service, or being disqualified from service because they have/are Limbaugh-sized anal cysts. Thus, Broden was quickly condemned by the Dallas County GOP for being “inappropriate”.

Note to the GOP:  inappropriate is a loose fart when you’re meeting the Libyan Ambassador; talking about violent overthrow of your government while running for office from the Party that made America the shitsack it is today is fucking inexcusable.

GOP Congressional Candidate says violent overthrow of the Government is ‘on the table’ [Dallas News]

Today, We are All Drooling on our Boobs

When the right eats its own, we laugh.  My enemy’s enemy is still my enemy, but its a lot more fun to watch them fight it out from afar than to be all up in the tussle, you know?

Anyway, Megan McCain went and dropped some very commonsensical knowledge regarding “nutjob” Christine O’Donnell, who is a candidate for Senator from Denmark or something, when she said:

Christine O’Donnell is making a mockery of running for public office. She has no real history, no real success in any kind of business. And what that sends to my generation is, one day, you can just wake up and run for Senate, no matter how [much] lack of experience you have.

While this statement is humorous because you could easily change “running for public office” to “being a tv pundit” and it would apply to McCain, the reaction of other conservative bloggers to McCain’s claim is better:

this self-indulgent set of mega-breasts doesn’t belong anywhere near a TV studio commenting on anything.

and

I swear, if Meghan McCain gets any dumber she’ll be drooling on her boobs Read more »

Welcome to the New New Plutocracy

In news that will make you sigh and say, “well, shit” because you already all knew it, the 2009 census data shows that the gap between rich people and the poors is bigger than ever.  You are welcome to greet this news by either:

  • Donning your suit made from diamonds and the skin of poor people, and dancing the foxtrot, for celebration.
  • Wishing this news were printed on real paper, so you could burn it for fuel. You’ll  subsequently get kicked off the public library’s computer because that one librarian always thinks you’re masturbating, because sometimes you masturbate at the library, because it is a quiet refuge in your crowded shitstain of a life.  Because you are poor.
  • Clinging to the last vestiges of middle class existence.  Wishing haplessly to be elevated into the ranks of the top 1%, but realizing you’ll probably die penniless and dirty, of scurvy or cholera or something.

Anyway, if you are part of the shrinking middle class, uh congratulations?

Census Finds Record Gap Between Rich and Poor [Yahoo]

Sarah Palin: Still the Worst

Vanity Fair’s piece on Sarah Palin is worth the read, and quite scary.  The article contains much you probably already knew (Palin:  greedy, secretive, not that smart, kind of a bitch), but with some nice new details that probably fit your expectations, unless you’re someone who has deluded yourself into thinking she’s a strong, generous, articulate leader.  For example, she’s a bad tipper:

Of the many famous people who have stayed at the Hyatt in Wichita (Cher, Reba McEntire, Neil Young), Sarah Palin ranks as the all-time worst tipper: $5 for seven bags. But the bellhops had it good in Kansas, compared with the bellman at another midwestern hotel who waited up until past midnight for Palin and her entourage to check in—and then got no tip at all for 10 bags. He was stiffed again at checkout time. The same went for the maids who cleaned Palin’s rooms in both places—no tip whatsoever.

There’s also information about the lady’s domestic altercations with Todd: Read more »

We’re Getting the Dynasty Back Together

The dynasty, of course, is the nascent Alaskan redneck family tree that is the Palin-Johnston-probably everyone else in Wasilla who screws each other- power brokerage that’s been warming the cockles of Tea Party hearts ever since John McCain unleashed them on the political scene like a pack of rabid dogs, or a swarm of killer fucking bees, or some devilish conflation of the two.

Anyway, Us reports that a source close to Bristol [my guess is Trig] reports that “Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think.” See, Sarah’s too busy with her breast jobs and book tours and the making of the money and going rogue to helicopter this. Apparently, those claims that she was able to simultaneously be a capable mother of five and be a hard working governor were both false, since Palin appears to have failed in both. Read more »

Foreigners’ Love for America Only Proves Their Hatred of Americans

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Andrew Sullivan interprets this Gallup map to mean that maybe the bad Muslims out in Saudi Arabia don’t hate us as much as we thought, because they want to be us.   Of the 700 Million people who want to migrate, a quarter would like to end up in America, and another 6% want to go to America Lite, which is Canada.   Of course, Sullivan forgets to consider that perhaps all those people want to move here to murder us.  That’s 175 million more terrorist illegal immigrants we’re going to have to kill.  And we’ll probably do something stupid like go and elect one of them President Barack Obama.

700 Million Worldwide Desire to Migrate Permanently [Gallup]

Why Do They Hate Us (or Maybe They Don’t)? [The Daily Dish]