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The Stinque Braquet 2015

Yahoo giveth, and Yahoo taketh away. Looking forward to a new season of Community? Great! Stay tuned! Also looking forward to trashtalking your friends on a convenient service that isn’t owned by a billionaire megalomaniac with a taste for undermining democracy on three continents?

Buzzzz!!! We’re sorry. This year’s March Madness is brought to you by Fox.

But life is compromise, and you’re already enjoying Simpsons and Justified, so we strongly doubt your Existential Karmic Balance is going to be disturbed much by a few weeks of crying Loser! Loser! Loser! at online acquaintances whose guessing skills compare poorly to yours.

Which is why we invite you to join the New! Improved! Morally Compromised! Stinque Braquet, hosted as always by Braquet Queen Mellbell.

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And the Lord Cursed Man with Pattern Recognition

Mystery Date, are you ready for your Mystery Date?Title: “The Mystery of the Shemitah: The 3,000-Year-Old Mystery That Holds the Secret of America’s Future, the World’s Future, and Your Future!”

Author: Jonathan Cahn

Rank: 83

Blurb…

Is it possible that there exists a three-thousand-year-old mystery that…

  • Has been determining the course of your life without your knowing it?

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Your Mama I Am, Your Daddy I Am, In The Alley That Sam I Am

Cholesterol and Trichinosis.Title: “Green Eggs and Ham”

Author: Dr. Seuss

Rank: 58

Blurb: “Sam keeps asking persistently.”

Review…

A local dealer pressures a buyer into ingesting a strange substance for “free”. During 80% of the book, the protagonist clearly says “No”, but the substance dealer continues to pressure. In the end the protagonist is defeated, ingests the substance, and shows signs of addiction proclaiming outrageous ways in which he’ll take this new substance. There is no evidence that the antagonist will continue to provide free samples of the substance once the main character is addicted.

This is done in rhyme & marketed to children.

Customers Also Bought: A violent picturebook about assaulting fathers.

Footnote: Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of your diet.

Green Eggs and Ham [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Practical Studies in Analog Entry Methodology

Ink Different.Title: “Handwriting: Printing, Grades Preschool and Up”

Author: Brighter Child

Rank: 99

Blurb: “Children will have fun learning to print!”

Review: “I expected something different, I guess, but this is just lined paper with a line of capital letters to trace at the top, and half-way down, a line of lower-cased letters to trace of the same letter. It’s not very engaging for my son.”

Customers Also Bought: “Handwriting Without Tears Block Paper”

Footnote: Although we learned to type in junior high — in a classroom filled with girls — we spent most of our adult life as a voracious consumer of pocket notebooks and pens. Until five years ago. When we bought an iPad. We don’t even write checks any more. It’s all online. At what point does handwriting become as quaint as another of our junior-high classes, taking apart and reassembling a lawnmower engine?

Handwriting: Printing [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Arrrrrrrrrrr!!!

How many plops can you count?Title: “P is for Potty!”

Author: Sesame Street

Rank: 88

Blurb: “It’s the perfect mix of fun and learning for potty-training toddlers — especially as they practice sitting on the potty!”

Review: “Pirate Potty has a great breakdown of all the steps for going potty in a fun pirate theme”

Customers Also Bought: “Sesame Street Elmo Adventure Potty Chair”

Footnote: You have to wonder how many vagrants pee on Oscar’s trash can.

P is for Potty! [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Penalty for Early Withdrawal

Returned for Insufficient Fun.Title: “Sex Checks: 60 Checks for Maintaining Balance in the Bedroom”

Author: Potter Style

Rank: 78

Blurb: “Issued by the ‘World Bank of Savings and Love’ these playful checks offer a diverse portfolio of options for the shy and adventurous alike.”

Review: “Super cute and very sturdy”

Customers Also Bought: “Star Wars Date Night Darth Vader Plush Toy”

Footnote: Modern couples prefer Touch ID.

Sex Checks [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Because Stinqueness

The brown stains indicate Dishness.

Nice to get one in before he goes.