The Hugest, Greatest, Classiest Conch Ever

Sucks to your ass-mar!Title: “Lord of the Flies”

Author: William Golding

Rank: 48

Ten Quotes That Have Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Republican Presidential Field:

  • “This is our island. It’s a good island. Until the grownups come to fetch us we’ll have fun.”
  • “Simon found he was looking into a vast mouth. There was blackness within, a blackness that spread.”
  • “Maybe there is a beast… maybe it’s only us.”

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The Gift That Keeps On Grieving

Father Knows Beasts.Title: “Plunder and Deceit”

Author: Mark R. Levin

Rank: 5

Blurb: “This essential new book is, against all odds, a likeminded appeal to reason and audacity — one intended for all Americans but particularly the rising generation. Younger people must find the personal strength and will to break through the cycle of statist manipulation, unrelenting emotional overtures, and the pressure of groupthink, which are humbling, dispiriting, and absorbing them; to stand up against the heavy hand of centralized government, which if left unabated will assuredly condemn them to economic and societal calamity.”

Review: “I have lots of estrogen in my family… four daughters from the age of 12 to 30. I’m ordering 4 additional books because they are both ‘plundered’ and ‘deceived’… and Mark Levin’s book rationally outlines why.”

Customers Also Bought: Twenty other books your children will hate you for buying for them.

Footnote: How early was your 12-year-old daughter turned off by your politics?

Plunder and Deceit [Amazon]

Choose Your Own Misadventure!

Second prize is a set of steak knives.

Of the many, many, many metaphors available to us — well, honestly, we can’t choose. There’s the Clown Car, of course, or Stealers Wheel (ask your parents!), or Wigstock, or Usual Suspects, or…

Really, folks: This is so ridiculous, nobody’s even bothering to find Incriminating Corndog Photos yet.

So we throw up our hands and welcome you to our GOP Debate Open Thread/Cleveland Steamer. Word to the wise: If you plan on making Hair Jokes, you’re gonna have a lot of competition.

Err Club for Men

Happiness is a Short-Fingered Vulgarian.Title: “Time to Get Tough: Making America #1 Again”

Author: Donald J. Trump

Rank: 82

Blurb: “President Obama has been a disaster for this country. He’s wrecked our economy, saddled our children with debt, and gone around the world apologizing for America — as if the greatest nation in the world needed to apologize for being the land of opportunity and freedom that we were before Obama became president.”

Review: “The Republican Party morphed into the Republicrat Party way back and the ‘silent majority’ knows it. Trump may be the potential Winston Churchill true conservatives hope and pray he truly is. If he NEVER apologizes (instant death) and continues to take on the collective enemy of America, he will be the POTUS who will undoubtedly restore America to the great nation it once was. No ‘politically correct’ apologetic Republicrat can do it.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Mystery of the Shemitah: The 3,000-Year-Old Mystery That Holds the Secret of America’s Future, the World’s Future, and Your Future!”

Footnote: A Sanders-Trump race would be fucking awesome.

Time to Get Tough [Amazon]

Can’t Sleep, Clown Will Eat Me

No Romero, no sale.Title: “Batman: The Killing Joke”

Author: Alan Moore

Rank: 45

Blurb: “Legendary writer Alan Moore redefined the super-hero with Watchmen and V for Vendetta. In Batman: The Killing Joke, he takes on the origin of comics’ greatest super-villain, The Joker — and changes Batman’s world forever.”

Review: “Buy this so you can see what an over-rated book looks and feels like.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Death of Superman”

Footnote: We’re going to guess that the ranking has something to do with that new trailer for supervillain dumping ground Suicide Squad — Starring! Jared! Leto! As! The! Joker! — which has the Millennial Fanboys among us soiling their DC-licensed Underoos. And while we will grant that the movie does hold pulpy promise, it exists in the same universe as Ben Affleck’s Batman, and we’re definitely reserving judgment whether that’s a universe worth visiting.

Batman: The Killing Joke [Amazon]

Grownups of Our Time

Boo!Title: “Go Set a Watchman”

Author: Harper Lee

Rank: 1

Blurb: “Maycomb, Alabama. Twenty-six-year-old Jean Louise Finch — ‘Scout’ — returns home from New York City to visit her aging father, Atticus. Set against the backdrop of the civil rights tensions and political turmoil that were transforming the South, Jean Louise’s homecoming turns bittersweet when she learns disturbing truths about her close-knit family, the town, and the people dearest to her.”

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Love is a Many-Splintered Thing

Millennials will be the death of us.Title: “Modern Romance”

Authors: Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg

Rank: 18

Blurb: “In a short period of time, the whole culture of finding love has changed dramatically. A few decades ago, people would find a decent person who lived in their neighborhood. Their families would meet and, after deciding neither party seemed like a murderer, they would get married and soon have a kid, all by the time they were twenty-four. Today, people marry later than ever and spend years of their lives on a quest to find the perfect person, a soul mate.”

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