nojo

Land of the Rising Shun

You never had your hands on a teat before?Title: “Amish Confidential”

Authors: “Lebanon” Levi Stoltzfus and Ellis Henican

Rank: 58

Blurb: “‘Lebanon’ Levi Stoltzfus, star of the hit Discovery Channel reality show Amish Mafia, delivers a sizzling tell-all about Amish life today. From the forbidden joyrides to the senseless shunnings to the colorful family feuds, he shares his frank insider’s view of this fascinating and secretive society.”

Review: “The author points out that their failure to vaccinate their children for polio resulted in 11 cases of polio among the Amish in 1978. Not surprisingly, the tourist trade fell drastically after that.”

Customers Also Bought: “Surviving When Modern Medicine Fails: A definitive guide to essential oils that could save your life during a crisis”

Footnote: We wish all American religious extremists would follow the Amish example by keeping to themselves and not bothering the rest of us.

Amish Confidential [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

A Thousand Times No Answer

What hump?

Our guest colloquists are ABC news leprechaun George Stephanopoulos and Indiana Governor Mike Pence.

STEPHANOPOULOS: I think one of the problems that people have pointed out is that in Indiana, your civil rights laws don’t include sexual orientation as a protected class. And even some of the supporters of the bill who were — who appeared with you when you signed the bill, Eric Miller of Advanced America wrote that, “It will protect those who oppose gay marriage.”

He put up this example. He said, “Christian bakers, florists and photographers should not be punished for refusing to participate in a homosexual marriage.”

So this is a yes or no question.

Is Advance America right when they say a florist in Indiana can now refuse to serve a gay couple without fear of punishment?

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Magical Mystery Tourism

Om Improvement.Title: “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom”

Author: Don Miguel Ruiz

Rank: 48

Blurb: “Rooted in traditional Toltec wisdom beliefs, four agreements in life are essential steps on the path to personal freedom. As beliefs are transformed through maintaining these agreements, shamanic teacher and healer don Miguel Ruiz asserts lives will ‘become filled with grace, peace, and unconditional love.'”

You Get Enlightenment! And You Get Enlightenment!: “Ruiz’s explanations of Toltec-based cosmography got a major boost recently when publishing pooh-bah Oprah Winfrey mentioned his work on her TV show.”

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The Stinque Losers Braquet 2015

Yes, this is a metaphor. A metaphor for your hopes and dreams, once bursting with excitement and potential, now just… burst.

And as metaphors go, it’s much more restrained than what we were initially considering. But hey, everybody does the Hindenburg. And we think you’ll agree that Oh the Humanity — of my bracket! is a bit much.

Instead, a simple Pfffffft! seems to capture the sentiment.

So get up, dust yourself off, change your shorts, and let’s defy reason again with The Stinque Losers Braquet!

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Nasty, Brutish, Short, Rinse, Repeat

This line lasts forever.Title: “Return to Life: Extraordinary Cases of Children Who Remember Past Lives”

Author: Jim B. Tucker

Rank: 33

Blurb: “Readers will meet a boy who describes a previous life on a small island. When Tucker takes him to that island, he finds that some details eerily match the boy’s statements and some do not.”

Review: “First, I’d like to take skeptics head-on: you may scoff at the subject matter but you probably have no real knowledge of it. You — we — are part of a primitive civilization and know next to nothing of the nature of existence. For hundreds of thousands of years man looked at birds in flight and dreamed of flying. There are people alive TODAY who were born before man could even figure THAT out, the relatively simple dynamics of flight. So, don’t be so dismissive of what you don’t understand and assume you ‘know’ what’s possible and impossible. As Plato advised, ‘a wise man knows he knows nothing.'”

Customers Also Bought: “Kennedy’s Last Stand: Eisenhower, UFOs, MJ-12 & JFK’s Assassination”

Footnote: If the people alive today are only 6 percent of the people who ever lived, who gets the open reincarnation slots, and what does everybody else do while they’re queued up?

Return to Life [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Secret #1: Don’t Let Republicans Trash It

Say, how’s that 2008 401k doing?Title: “Get What’s Yours: The Secrets to Maxing Out Your Social Security”

Authors: Laurence J. Kotlikoff, Philip Moeller and Paul Solman

Rank: 1

Blurb: “You’ve paid all your working life for these benefits. Now, get what’s yours.”

Review: “I would rather consult with someone instead of reading this.”

Customers Also Bought: “Being Mortal”

Footnote: While a current House of Cards subplot covers a Democratic Preznident scheming to screw over Americans for political gain — which, granted, is not inconceivable, if you consider Bubba’s welfare “reform” — the predominant narrative of Social Security eventually going “broke” relies on (a) the presumption that anybody will be left in fifty years after global warming fries our crops and swallows our coasts, and (b) pretending that the problem isn’t easily solvable by, y’know, fairly taxing insanely wealthy people. Sooner or later this New Gilded Age shall pass, and Americans will come to their senses.

Get What’s Yours [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

The Stinque Braquet 2015

Yahoo giveth, and Yahoo taketh away. Looking forward to a new season of Community? Great! Stay tuned! Also looking forward to trashtalking your friends on a convenient service that isn’t owned by a billionaire megalomaniac with a taste for undermining democracy on three continents?

Buzzzz!!! We’re sorry. This year’s March Madness is brought to you by Fox.

But life is compromise, and you’re already enjoying Simpsons and Justified, so we strongly doubt your Existential Karmic Balance is going to be disturbed much by a few weeks of crying Loser! Loser! Loser! at online acquaintances whose guessing skills compare poorly to yours.

Which is why we invite you to join the New! Improved! Morally Compromised! Stinque Braquet, hosted as always by Braquet Queen Mellbell.

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