Living in Terror

Well, he tried.

A friend of ours erupted in a fusillade of angry, frightened tweets Tuesday night. While everyone else we follow was tweeting the usual — sports and politics — our friend was writing things like this:

“I’m so fucked up about all these brothers getting murdered right now, I don’t even know what to do with myself.”

And:

“Seriously, at what point can I reasonably say the police are constant threat to my life? If not now, when? How many more men have to die?”

And:

“What the fuck am I supposed to tell my son?”

Our friend lives in DC, works as a government contractor. Most days he’s griping about the bosses, or public transit, or school lunches, like any other middle-class American. But unlike most middle-class Americans, our friend is Black.

And he’s living in terror. Because he’s just one traffic stop away from being the next hashtag.

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Future Revelations

This song was not intended as a patriotic chant.

  • Fossil fuels cause global warming
  • Access to firearms increases likelihood of injury or death
  • The refrigerator light goes off when you shut the door

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Other Expressions Tested in the Clinton Focus Group

You can call me Algorithm.

  • Shopping Bag of Disgracefuls
  • Cat Carrier of Disreputables
  • Fanny Pack of Dreadfuls

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They’re Coming! They’re Coming!

Resistance is Futile.

Matthew Bennell: [dials his phone] I’ll get the police.

Telephone Operator: [voice] Police.

Matthew Bennell: Officer, I’d like to report four bodies in my backyard.

Telephone Operator: Wait right there Mr. Bennell.

Matthew Bennell: How do you know my name?

Jack Bellicec: [Jack’s eyes widen with fear] Hang up, Matthew.

Matthew Bennell: [into the phone] I didn’t tell you my name.

Jack Bellicec: Hang up!

Matthew Bennell: [hangs up the phone] I didn’t tell them my name!

Nancy Bellicec: That’s because they’re all part of it. They’re all pods, all of them!

Trump’s Millennial Outreach Backfires With Jokes and Memes [Hollywood Reporter]

Gene Wilder, 1933-2016

Gene Wilder, ‘Willy Wonka’ Star and Comedic Icon, Dies at 83 [Variety]

You Gotta Have Faith

Pulped fiction.

Title: “In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome!”

Author: Ann Coulter

Rank: 100

Quote: “There’s nothing Trump can do that won’t be forgiven. Except change his immigration policies.”

Published: Tuesday

Time Trump Changed His Immigration Policies: Tuesday night

Sample Tuesday Night Ann Coulter Tweet: “Well, if it’s ‘hard,’ then nevermind. Trump: ‘… to take a person who’s been here for 15 or 20 years ….It’s a very, very hard thing.'”

Customers Also Bought: Lies, lies, lies.

In Trump We Trust [Amazon]

The Trump Show

Here’s to failure!

Over the past long, long year, we’ve seen various forms of a recurring thought: Donald Trump can’t be serious.

He’s doing it for the publicity. He’s a devious Hillary trickster. He wants to launch a new cable channel. He never planned to win, and then he won, and now he’s trying as hard as he can to lose, because no serious candidate could possibly be this awful.

It’s The Candidate meets The Producers.

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