Life on Mars

Hello, Marvin? This is Wall-E.

As it happens, we were called away to the Ancestral Home last week to Settle All Family Business, so we missed pretty much the entire Decline & Fall — The Tape, The Debate, Ken Bone, The Whatever-The-Opposite-Of-Bimbo-Eruptions Is. And, arriving back at Mile-High Stinque Domination Headquarters, all that was left was predictions/fears of post-election mayhem.

Oh, and this thing tonight.

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23 Days Until America Wakes Up With Suzanne Pleshette

Hi Bob!

A Wild and An Untamed Thing

Your mission is a failure, your lifestyle’s too extreme.

You know the best time we ever had in an audience? Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1979. It was still fresh — first time in college-town Eugene — and while we were a total novice, we had some knowledgeable friends to instruct us in the Mysteries of hot dogs and playing cards.

So we’re thinking about the Town Hall debate tonight, how the format calls for questions from the audience, and really, wouldn’t you rather be dancing the Time Warp in the aisles and throwing household goods at the stage?

But short of that, we suspect you’ll be yelling DAMMIT repeatedly as you watch and join us for our Presidential Debate Open Thread/Sex Comedy. Don’t dream it. Be done with it.

The Seven Stages of Joy

We’ll wait.

1. Discovery.

2. Scroll back through Twitter feed.

3. No shit.

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Plus Opening Act

Eat your potatoes.

This is a rush transcript.

MODERATOR: Welcome to the 2016 Vice Presidential Debate!

KAINE: Da fuq?

PENCE: How’d we get here?

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Great America

The Arc of History induces nausea.

One day in 1982, when we were a reporter, we got into a curious conversation with the local school superintendent. We were 23; he must have been in his early 40s. We mention the ages because of what he said, a line we haven’t been able to shake for decades:

“The Sixties were an aberration.”

What he meant was that the social liberalism of the era was an exception in American history, and that now, at the dawn of Reagan, the country was reverting to norm. We protested, without success — problem was, at the time the Sixties and Seventies were all we knew.

Which makes us an aberration.

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Don’t Look

It was this or Clockwork Orange.

We’re hearing that tonight’s debate might reach Super Bowl/MASH/alien invasion territory, tempting your attention even if you’d prefer to ignore it. How can you not watch a showdown between a Charlatan Buffoon and Triangulating Technocrat — okay, fine, Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich — moderated by an amiable guy who’s been instructed to be even less intrusive than Jimmy Fallon?

But if you are tempted, heed our warning:

Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!

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