Don’t Look

It was this or Clockwork Orange.

We’re hearing that tonight’s debate might reach Super Bowl/MASH/alien invasion territory, tempting your attention even if you’d prefer to ignore it. How can you not watch a showdown between a Charlatan Buffoon and Triangulating Technocrat — okay, fine, Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich — moderated by an amiable guy who’s been instructed to be even less intrusive than Jimmy Fallon?

But if you are tempted, heed our warning:

Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Don’t look at it, no matter what happens!

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Living in Terror

Well, he tried.

A friend of ours erupted in a fusillade of angry, frightened tweets Tuesday night. While everyone else we follow was tweeting the usual — sports and politics — our friend was writing things like this:

“I’m so fucked up about all these brothers getting murdered right now, I don’t even know what to do with myself.”

And:

“Seriously, at what point can I reasonably say the police are constant threat to my life? If not now, when? How many more men have to die?”

And:

“What the fuck am I supposed to tell my son?”

Our friend lives in DC, works as a government contractor. Most days he’s griping about the bosses, or public transit, or school lunches, like any other middle-class American. But unlike most middle-class Americans, our friend is Black.

And he’s living in terror. Because he’s just one traffic stop away from being the next hashtag.

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Future Revelations

This song was not intended as a patriotic chant.

  • Fossil fuels cause global warming
  • Access to firearms increases likelihood of injury or death
  • The refrigerator light goes off when you shut the door

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Other Expressions Tested in the Clinton Focus Group

You can call me Algorithm.

  • Shopping Bag of Disgracefuls
  • Cat Carrier of Disreputables
  • Fanny Pack of Dreadfuls

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They’re Coming! They’re Coming!

Resistance is Futile.

Matthew Bennell: [dials his phone] I’ll get the police.

Telephone Operator: [voice] Police.

Matthew Bennell: Officer, I’d like to report four bodies in my backyard.

Telephone Operator: Wait right there Mr. Bennell.

Matthew Bennell: How do you know my name?

Jack Bellicec: [Jack’s eyes widen with fear] Hang up, Matthew.

Matthew Bennell: [into the phone] I didn’t tell you my name.

Jack Bellicec: Hang up!

Matthew Bennell: [hangs up the phone] I didn’t tell them my name!

Nancy Bellicec: That’s because they’re all part of it. They’re all pods, all of them!

Trump’s Millennial Outreach Backfires With Jokes and Memes [Hollywood Reporter]

Gene Wilder, 1933-2016

Gene Wilder, ‘Willy Wonka’ Star and Comedic Icon, Dies at 83 [Variety]

You Gotta Have Faith

Pulped fiction.

Title: “In Trump We Trust: E Pluribus Awesome!”

Author: Ann Coulter

Rank: 100

Quote: “There’s nothing Trump can do that won’t be forgiven. Except change his immigration policies.”

Published: Tuesday

Time Trump Changed His Immigration Policies: Tuesday night

Sample Tuesday Night Ann Coulter Tweet: “Well, if it’s ‘hard,’ then nevermind. Trump: ‘… to take a person who’s been here for 15 or 20 years ….It’s a very, very hard thing.'”

Customers Also Bought: Lies, lies, lies.

In Trump We Trust [Amazon]