Marcel Parcells

Mexico’s Debates Somehow Both More Useless and Interesting than Ours

In response to former Playboy model’s brief appearance at a Presidential debate in a tight white dress that “revealed her ample decolletage:”

“The best was the girl in white with the cleavage at the beginning,” tweeted former Mexican Foreign Minister Jorge Castaneda, who is also a New York University professor.

It was, apparently, the only thing of interest from a debate that will have no outcome on the election outcome. In related news, Herman Cain’s Mexican Presidential bid begins tomorrow.

Winner of Mexican Presidential Debate? Sexy Model” [New York Times via The Awl]

Drink Yourself to Death in 2012

I can think of no better accompaniment to an election year than this piece of election swag. Now you can boozily be reminded of the class act in charge if our current president kicks it. Then you’ll think, hey drunky, feel better! He’s a lot more qualified than any of the other dudes trying for the job right now. Try not to cry beer tears about the Herman Cain/Frothing Crazy Person ticket that will going to replace both those dude’s. Fuck it; let’s get Bidenebriated.

Obama Still Taking Away Our Freedoms, Giving Us Healthcare

Americans’ life expectancy may be 78 years, but a new report says only 69 of those years tend to be healthy ones. . .

Which is an argument for the death panels, I think, so that they can kill you at age 69, or sooner if you are fat. Either way, the administration is releasing it’s multi-agency plan for “disease prevention”, which is code for taking away our freedoms by telling obese people (Real Americans) not to eat and smokers (libertarians) not to smoke and diabetics (also Real Americans) not to fuck with sugar. Basically, Obama is telling us all how to live our lives, which you should only do if you are telling it to a woman, and what you are telling her is she can’t abort any babies.

The plan is also a going to build us more sidewalks, so we can walk more, like suckers.

Oh Shoot, Mitt Romney is a RINO, for Believing in Science

Everyone’s handsome uncle, Mitt Romney, is saying things that are getting him in trouble, because he is again giving credence to “theories” based on “fact” and “evidence.” That’s right, Romney said:

I believe the world’s getting warmer

And, wait for it:

I believe that humans contribute to that.

In case any of you forgot that Romney used to live in Massachusetts, where driving cars is banned and I personally have served on several death panels (So Fun, Guys!), you can now go on and remember that again. Which is what Rush Limbaugh did, and then he decided:

Bye-bye, nomination . . . The last year has established that the whole premise of man-made global warming is a hoax, and we still have presidential candidates that want to buy into it. Read more »

President Newt is Coming for Dinner

Newt Gingrich is ready to be President.  Now that we’re looking at the prospect of  a  government shutdown,   Gingrich gets to reminisce about the last time he was popular, which was right before the last government shutdown. He’s convinced himself that he maybe can beat Huckabee and Palin and all of the other Fox News Commentators in a primary run.  After this, his tea party will Dress Up as Indians and throw that bad man off of the White House like a big bag of black tea.  Or, that’s how I imagine it playing out.  Anyway, the dude became the first major contender to start an exploratory committee, which is just an early way of saying election committee.

Newt recently said that: “2010 was the appetizer”  and added that “2012 is the entrée”  which means that his presidency will be the delicious truffle at the end of the smörgåsbord of a year that is a Presidential election.  This is just like how his affair with a congressional aide was an entrée after the appetizers and salad that were his first and second wives, and the palate-cleansing sorbet that was his second wife’s cancer.   Of course, Newt might not remember that past meal as well, since he was too busy watching the neighboring table, where Bill Clinton was trying to clean up the stains left after his own kosher feast with Monica Lewinski, or something.

Don’t Forget the Budget! Ok, Forget the Budget.

Are you guys excited about budget season? I know I am. John Boehner, who helps run the government for Willy Wonka, is leading the charge against the President’s Budget Request. It’s like March Madness, except it lasts far longer and there is no real winner. With the President planning to cut the Budget by $1.1 trillion over the next ten years, the Republicans are angry, because they hate budget cuts.

No. That’s not it. They hate when the President does anything. And they especially hate it when he threatens to reduce  fuel subsidies and  money for the Department of Defense.  So, they do what they do, which is to be assholes and cut stuff people enjoy, like jobs and truth and America. What do they want to kill this year?

1:  Like I said, jobs:  Boehner: if “jobs are lost, so be it.” Remember during the campaign when the GOP candidates were all like, “Where are the jobs?   Where are the jobs?”  Apparently, they didn’t really give a shit.   Read more »

Assange’s Dating Profile: “I have asian teengirl stalkers.”

First off, who doesn’t have Asian teengirl stalkers these days?  If Hasselhoff can also pull it off, I’m not impressed.

Julian Assange, or “HarryHarrison,” has been exposed as an Okcupid member, with a playful little dating profile and a creepy head shot photo.   Why resort to Sex by Suprise when you can arrange a rendezvous with him through the internet?  I realize that, in the future, said rendezvous may have to happen in a conjugal visit trailer, but we starfuckers will take what we can get.   According to Assange, “I am DANGER, ACHTUNG.”

Assange is, however, only looking for certain types of lady friends:

I like women from countries that have sustained political turmoil. Western culture seems to forge women that are valueless and inane. OK. Not only women!

Luckily, the past ten years in America count as sustained political turmoil.  Have at him, Ladies!

HarryHarrison [OkCupid]
Assange’s Dating Profile Leaked, Wikileaks Gets Company [Gothamist]