After reviewing the evidence and paying off a source to independently confirm our investigation, we’ve concluded that the supposed “balloon boy hoax” was actually a legitimate attempt to create the world’s largest Jiffy Pop, gone horribly awry when the special transgenic popcorn had an unexpected interaction with the butane heater, causing the pan to embark upon—

Oh, fuck it. But you really didn’t want to hear about the Secret Service being overwhelmed with crank assassins, did you?

Big profits unlikely for family in balloon drama [USA Today]

Bonus: Play the Balloon Boy game!

Read more »

Oh my – this could get awkward:

The production company that runs the pageant is filing a cross complaint against Prejean, demanding, among other things, that Carrie return the $5,200 the pageant fronted her for her breast augmentation.

In other legal docs, Keith Lewis and crew are asking to strike a portion of Prejean’s lawsuit — the portion dealing with public disclosure of private facts.

The new docs say, “the alleged ‘private facts’ consist of her breast augmentation (which ceased being private during the swimsuit competition of the nationally-televised Miss USA pageant, in which Ms. Prejean walked the stage in a bikini).”

Pageant to Prejean: Give Us Breast Money Back [TMZ]

We may need to revise our South Carolina Douchebag Standings, following this stunning debut by two county Republican chairmen:

There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.

Mind you, this was a defense of Jim DeMint’s prowess at haggling. What a gutte neshumah he is!

DeMint watches out for all of us [SC Times and Democrat, via HuffPo]

Balloon Dad’s lawyer wins today’s award for Best Callback to the Patricide Orphan Gag:

David Lane, a Colorado civil rights lawyer who is representing Richard Heene, said both Mr. Heene and his wife, Mayumi, would plead not guilty and would turn themselves in to avoid further public spectacle.

Mr. Lane contended that placing handcuffs on the Heenes, in the full glare of the news media and for their children to see, would be abusive to the youngsters…

When asked how the Heenes were doing Monday, Mr. Lane said: “They are holding up as well as any family under siege would be holding up. They’re doing the best they can.”

See, now we’re supposed to feel sorry for the besieged famewhore Dad who called the local TV station before he called 911. Have we no shame?

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Michael Steele, last seen chewing his cud, offers some handy immigration tips to Univision viewers:

Basically what we should be saying is that there are rules that you need to get into the country, go the right door, fill out the right form, have some apple pie, hum a few bars of the Star Spangled Banner and get to work, God bless you, and I think that that begins to set us on the right road to dealing with this issue.

We checked, and no, Steele wasn’t doing a Nixon-style self-mocking sketch for Sabado Gigante.

Steele: We Don’t Need Comprehensive Health Care Reform [TPM]

Move over, Birthers. Step aside, Deathers. Back up, Tenthers. We need to make room for — Oathers:

Launched in March by Las Vegan Stewart Rhodes, Oath Keepers bills itself as a nonpartisan group of current and retired law enforcement and military personnel who vow to fulfill their oaths to the Constitution.

More specifically, the group’s members, which number in the thousands, pledge to disobey orders they deem unlawful, including directives to disarm the American people and to blockade American cities. By refusing the latter order, the Oath Keepers hope to prevent cities from becoming “giant concentration camps,” a scenario the 44-year-old Rhodes says he can envision happening in the coming years.

We can imagine a different scenario, one involving an armed paranoid militia playing out Seven Days in May instead of Red Dawn. Although we prefer our dystopian nightmares to end in pie fights.

READY TO REVOLT: Oath Keepers pledges to prevent dictatorship in United States [Las Vegas Review-Journal]

Photo: Active Duty Troops In Iraq Are Wearing Oath Keeper Tabs [Oath Keepers]

Related: Coup Are You? [Stinque]

• “Everybody hates me,” says judge who hates interracial marriage. “Really. I don’t know why. I treat people, I figure, equal. I have one problem with mixed marriages and that is the offspring.” [Raw Story]
• Pennsylvania Republicans hate Obama, run ad with a hammer and sickle inside the O. [TPM]
• Balloon Boy’s family hates fags. [CBS]
• Everybody hates “illegal alien” Halloween costumes. Except Steve Doocy. [Think Progress]