If you had asked us on January 1 whether in this first year of our post-Troubles era we would still have a need to celebrate the cretins, mountebanks, and nincompoops of American culture and politics, we would have told you to shut the fuck up, our hangover is killing us.

But the depths of human nature remain unplumbed, and so it is with great pride and no little trepidation that we announce the Second Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy.

What makes ours different from other year-end blog fillers? You do all the work!

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S & M Sex Freak and GOP Icon Awaits Trial for Savage Battering of Missouri Woman.

The police incident report recovered by the crusading Kansas City Star reveals allegations of former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton’s Republican savage sexual deviance that would make Idi Amin blush, including one attempt at forcible bondage, apparently some kind of family-values ritual.

GOP S&M Sex Icon Jetton has been charged with second-degree assault after a Sikeston woman reported he came to her home, apparently drugged her, battered her black and blue for hours and allegedly had sex with her unconscious body in the best traditions of the GOP.

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Title: “How the Left Swiftboated America: The Liberal Media Conspiracy to Make You Think George Bush Was the Worst President in History”

Author: John Gibson

Rank: 533

Blurb: “The swiftboating of George W. Bush began in 2000 and continued throughout his presidency, involving his response to 9/11, the Iraq War, warrantless wiretapping, enhanced interrogation techniques, the Surge, uranium from Niger, the number of deaths in Iraq, the federal response to Katrina, and much, much more.”

Review: “I don’t recall ANY liberal media in America in my lifetime.”

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Like the book itself, our Going Rogue musical is full of holes. Unlike the book, we intend to fill them.

Our story thus far: After three days of intensive brainfarting last week, we have a broad structure and a handful of key scenes and song titles. (We also have some suggested lyrics, which are noted but not covered here.) Our goal this weekend is to fit the remaining pieces together — allowing for plenty of digression and threadjacks, since nobody’s on the clock and we don’t have punch and pie to keep you focused.

Herewith, an annotated extract of our efforts. Please note that the zombie is non-negotiable.

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Following last week’s stunning discovery the men cannot reach adulthood without consuming a server-farm’s worth of pornography, comes this equally paradigm-shattering report:

Young people fuck like bunnies without feeling guilty about it.

In this study to determine if sexual activity outside a committed relationship causes emotional damage to young people, the researchers found no differences in the mental well-being of participants who had a casual partner or a committed partner.

We know, we know — it undermines everything you knew about human nature. In fact, the research is so counter-intuitive, we suspect nefarious tricks were used to massage the underlying data, and expect to report to you next week when ClimaxGate blows wide open.

Casual Sex Doesn’t Cause Emotional Damage [US News]

Those Nekkid Cellphone Pix must be just around the corner:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try…

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

We congratulate Tiger for providing the world an entertaining distraction from the depressing news of the day. Golf will never be the same.

Text of statement by Tiger Woods [AP, via SFL]

Now that Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter has demonstrated her climatological qualifications on the Washington Post’s op-ed page, Michael Steele wants some of that sweet denialist action:

Q: Global warming, you say the earth is cooling. Michael how do you know for sure?

STEELE: I don’t! I don’t! But apparently neither does anybody else! Ok? I don’t. All i know is every morning I come on, I turn on channel 13 and I’ll see what the weather man tells me okay?

Steele knows from snow jobs, of course. Although he might want to get his story straight with James Inhofe, who says global warming is a Weather Channel conspiracy.

Asked How He Knows The Earth Is Cooling, Michael Steele Says ‘I Don’t!’ [Think Progress]