[It’s time once again for our Black Friday column, an annual tradition since it was first published in the Oregon Daily Emerald on December 3, 1979. Gather the kids!]

R-I-I-N-G!!!

“President’s Bedroom, Rosalynn speaking.”

“This is Cy Vance, honey — get me the President!”

“Just a moment, Cy. Jimmy? For you.”

“This is your President. What’s going on?”

“A bearded maniac has taken over one of our embassies!”

“Again? Come on, Cy, it’s four in the morning on Christmas Eve…”

“I’m sorry, sir, but it couldn’t wait — Santa Claus has the North Pole embassy under siege!”

“Meet me in the Oval Office.”

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Graphic: the amazing Tidmus.

We got Dubya as Dumbo Horton, but who’s the Smurf?

Will Work for Poontang!

Everyone knows that Elliot Spitzer was taken out by the GOP operatives and insiders to make sure he was lamed around the time that he could have been very useful in putting away Wall Street executives who knew their firms were looting the public and their trading partners in the US and Europe.

While it was very convenient and we’re sure very lucrative to GOP insiders who arranged it, the tactic’s efficacy is predicated on the supposition that Spitzer would be shamed out of public life forever and a day. What if the Unicorn used some of his new thinking to hire this guy to work out some of his hunger for revenge on the gangsters of Wall Street?

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Looking for a last-minute holiday cooking tip that’s certain to… um… er… intrigue your guests?

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.

We’re not sure it’s been neglected. That would presume it was even considered.

But with lip-smacking recipes for an Almost White Russian, Man Made Oysters, and Creamy Cum Crepes, “semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist.” Just make sure the blender’s unplugged while you prepare your ingredients.

Natural Harvest [Lulu, via HF]

Caligutard Throws Back His Pisco Sour in a Drunken Display that Repulsed Heads of State at the the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) Summit in Lima. Is Hitler's Banker's Grandson Celebrating His Incompetence with a Return to Spewing Public Drunkeness Like a Dimwitted Frat Boy?

Pathetic imbecile Caligutard is spending his last days as president in a state of alcoholic stupor, grabbing at the juice like the self-pitying, self-deluded sackless bag of emu shit he is, all the while cackling in twisted delight at the unfolding chaos around him. The repellent weasel-faced sadist is, however, such a bundle of righteous self-hatred it’s hard to interpret what set up this latest exhibition of public drunkeness.

Could it be he is burdened by some sense of responsibility for leading America to its doom, cratering the world economy and driving all of western civilization to cannibal anarchy? Nah. Down deep, he loves inflicting pain, death and destruction and, like all Republicans, he wants to feast on human flesh, the poorer and more desperate the victim, the better.

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Once again Stinque presents Bad Law Professor of the Week. Today we offer Jack Landman Goldsmith for your consideration. Believe it or not, this clown teaches at Harvard, where he is the Henry L. Shattuck Professor of Law.  And today he has an editorial in the WaPo.  Let’s dive right in.

There has been much speculation about how the Obama administration will deal with what many view as the Bush administration’s harsh, abusive and illegal interrogation program. Some have called for an investigation by Congress or the Justice Department, possibly leading to criminal sanctions. Others think such investigations are infeasible or would smack of political retribution, proposing instead that a bipartisan commission look into the matter.

These are all bad ideas. They would bring little benefit, and they would further weaken the Justice Department and the CIA in ways that would compromise our security. (I worked at the Justice Department from 2003 to 2004 on issues that probably would be subject to new investigations, so readers should consider my views accordingly.) (emphasis supplied)

This has to be the most blatant attempt at a CYA in the history of opinion journalism.

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