Hold the Gravy

Looking for a last-minute holiday cooking tip that’s certain to… um… er… intrigue your guests?

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.

We’re not sure it’s been neglected. That would presume it was even considered.

But with lip-smacking recipes for an Almost White Russian, Man Made Oysters, and Creamy Cum Crepes, “semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist.” Just make sure the blender’s unplugged while you prepare your ingredients.

Natural Harvest [Lulu, via HF]

Is this shit for real? And not some elaborate hoax?

Well with the impending Great Depression of Aught-Nine, we may all be snacking on cheap semen soon enough.

Yummy with noodles! Just like a cream sauce.

Jeebus. I just had some asparagus with a barely mediocre homemade (I’m not so good with the sauce) white sauce as part of my dinner. Looks I should have used my, er, own brand instead.

I am not afraid to admit that some mischievous partners of mine have treated me to a mouthful of my own emissions during an after-blowjob kiss, with permission, even, I am always polite, and it would be so impolite to suggest that I would ask someone else to swallow what I would spit out with disgust. The taste? Meh, I could imagine, though, that if taken seriously, proper seasoning would render it tasty, its kinda like bechamel anyway.

Its the texture thats a total non-starter. Gelatinous, I don’t mind, its the stickiness, there is nothing stickier, it can stick to everything, ever see a dog trying desperately to get peanut butter off its palate? Thats the problem, I would think.

With cooking, I imagine it would get like the texture of egg-drop soup, it would probably firm up and be less sticky, but jeeze, it would take a week to produce the equivalent volume of one egg. Just doesn’t seem to be economically feasible.

Eh, I prefer it straight from the tap.

Although, it only took the high school football team and a very sore jaw to get the 1/4 cup I needed to prepare those oysters just right.

@homofascist: I heard Rod Stewart collapsed on stage one time, and they pumped his stomach, and got a quart of semen.

That was a real rumor that went around during my junior high days, anyone else ever hear it?

@homofascist: And speaking of said rumor, were you around for that brief moment in the 70s when being bisexual was considered cool? If you weren’t there, you gotta trust me, it was when all the rock stars went androgynous, and even Mick floated a rumor he was bi. For the briefest moment, it was a fad to dabble with teh gay. It was, with dudes, about the way it is now, and has been for some years, with chicks.

@Promnight: I think he was a small child–or a tiwnkle in his daddy’s eye– then.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, this photo of Black Eagle at a food bank made me verklempt. Click to earlier photos to see Malia’s purple coat (purple is my favorite color; poor Mr. SFL is enduring listening to me say how much I like Malia’s purple jacket).

@SanFranLefty: Love the purple jacket *and* the color-coordinated but not matchy-matchy hat. This is going to be a fabulous fashion administration.

@ManchuCandidate: I was going to suggest that it would make a great pairing with spaetzle and spargel (white asparagus), but the thought of that is really too repellent.

@Mistress Cynica: @Promnight: Alas Cynica is right – I was just a wee wee lad in the late 70s, and even I wasn’t that slutty.

And here I thought cornstarch or heavy cream was the only way to thicken my gravy. Who knew the solution (sorry) was … at hand (even sorrier).

I’ve never liked gravy, and this post has confirmed my feelings.

NB: Seminal fluid contains immuno-suppressants. Too much “white sauce” can give you a sore throat.

Would you do that to your guests?

@Mistress Cynica: Gravy isn’t all that bad. Have a look at here to hear a horribly moving song about gravy, the making of, and such.

ADD: Paul Kelly is rapidly becoming an Australian music legend. He seems to be able to put into words many things people feel but cannot express. I also recommend “From little things, big things grow” as a brief insight into Australian indigenous issues.

@Promnight: Sounds unlikely. I dimly remember that he rented a room in our house when I was a schoolboy.

Speaking of spooge, saw Shortbus for the first time last night. Marvelous film. I suspect will become a defining work from the Dark Ages of the Bush.

I suppose the value of said fluid depends on one’s connection with its emmisioner. Love the man: love his fluids.

As for cooking? I’d imagine that egg whites give better results although the unpeeling might not be quite as much fun.

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