A FlyingChainSaw Modest Proposal: Unleash Pussy Hound Spitzer to Avenge Entrapment by Indicting Wall Street

Will Work for Poontang!

Will Work for Poontang!

Everyone knows that Elliot Spitzer was taken out by the GOP operatives and insiders to make sure he was lamed around the time that he could have been very useful in putting away Wall Street executives who knew their firms were looting the public and their trading partners in the US and Europe.

While it was very convenient and we’re sure very lucrative to GOP insiders who arranged it, the tactic’s efficacy is predicated on the supposition that Spitzer would be shamed out of public life forever and a day. What if the Unicorn used some of his new thinking to hire this guy to work out some of his hunger for revenge on the gangsters of Wall Street?

Spitzer could work on a contingency basis, one that matters to him. Money? Could he care about it? Mom and Dad have all he could ever imagine needing. No. What matters to Spitzer is the poontang. Here’s the deal Obama could offer him that would send hundreds of middle aged Wall Street thugs leaping from their office windows: Spitzer scores a conviction, he gets a 7-way with any six hookers he cares to hire delivered to a location of his choosing.

Hell, he could hire them up front to work in his office – give them respectable day gigs – but he wouldn’t be able to engage that as poontang contractors until he puts a Wall Street banker behind bars. That may be the best approach. Surrounded by insanely voluptuous, moaning women, stroking themselves, holding out their glistening fingers for Spitzer to sniff, the attorney would be driven insane, working around the clock for months at a time, lashed by the promise of sweet, hot resilient ass.

This is the best of all possible worlds, honoring that hallmark of progressive democracy: high performance government at low cost. What say you, Stinquers?

42 Comments

I would totally support this, but you know the Village would find it “unseemly,” because no one who plays a pundit on TV or in the papers these days appears to have any idea what good fucking actually is.

The problem isn’t so much the ‘tang addiction so much as the built-in hypocrisy of being a law-enforcement guy (and eventually gov.) It was totally a trap, but Eliot should have been smart enough to know better.

Just thinking about the man doing that kind of stuff makes me toss the tofu I ate at the Vietnamese noodle house today.

@Signal to Noise: OK, every man has been a total lost pussyhound at one point in his life. Every man had a time when pussy was his quest, every waking moment. Unfortunately, for most of us, that time came when we were pimply and lame and unable to charm our way into it, and, what with High School getting in the way of our careers, without the funds to buy it. Some, the jocks and prom kings, have a brief career, through college, anyway. Late bloomers like me never have that confluence of obsession ability that permits rock-star like nightly conquests. By the time we bloom, we have latched on to the first woman who would let us at it and become lifelong faithful husbands, or at best, or worst, serial monogamists.

So I just can’t wrap my head around someone like Spitzer.

I could imagine what it would be like to be single and more adept and able to actually date and have sex with many women, but its never been something I lived, but, I could relate to the thrill of making many connections, finding intimacy, the romantic, almost, notion of locking eyes across a room and acting on that instant attraction in a way that is mutual and hurts noone, where there is no power disparity, just two free people creating a spark.

But not even in fantasy, can I in any way understand someone addicted to buying it. I am sorry, I cannot imagine any joy in purchased pussy.

Is it related to being born wealthy, and living a life in which there is a power disparity between you and almost everyone you meet, where your life is filled with people trying to whore themselves to you because of your money, so you don’t find the power disparity between you and a desperate young woman fucking you for money problematic?

Because I’d be kinda the way I am with waiters and any other service workers who are serving me, embarrassed by the status difference, trying to break it down, begging them not to be subservient to me.

I just wouldn’t enjoy it, I know it. I’m not a prude, its not that its casual sex, its just that its kinda empty and worthless sex. Meeting a peer, someone equal, finding a spark of instant attraction in circumstances where both are free to act on a spontaneous moment, even if its just a glorious night of shared frenzied pleasure, intimacy, and connection, I could see getting addicted to that. But getting addicted to buying it, jeeze, its so completely beyond my understanding.

Okay, not every man, teh gays, but you must all at some point have been cockhounds, in similar fashion to how I described that heterosexual phase of being a pussyhound, no? Getting out of the small town and finding yourself for the first time in the gay community of a city, that must be something, for a while.

The Spitz has always proven to be a useful tool. One thing that we libs have to realize that no one is of pure mind, soul and body otherwise the Unicorn Admin would be filled with, well, no one or angels. I don’t like some of the choices, but you go with what you have and hope they don’t stumble (I’m looking at you Hilsbot.)

I’ve always wondered how the Feds locked onto him. Warrantless wiretapping anyone?

@Promnight: I think it is partly because of being born rich and feeling like nobody would be attracted or interested in him but for his money, and having hired help around 24/7 who are so inside of life boundaries I can’t imagine. An acquaintance of mine married an incredibly wealthy man, and it’s unreal. The housekeeper and her husband who also works the household do things like buy her new underwear and socks – I was an exchange student for a semester with a family who had a maid and I freaked out the first time she washed my clothes – I can’t imagine paying people to do things like check the holes in your underwear and buying you exact replicas to replace the existing ones. So if you grew up with that shit, paying someone to suck your dick isn’t that far off.

(I guess. I have no idea, good middle-class/working class girl I am).

@ManchuCandidate: They said it was warrantless wiretapping at the time. He was so set up. I just pray the Unicorn was smart enough to get his pussyhound phase out of his system in college, and smart enough to realize that he was being wiretapped. Shit every Dem other than Barney Frank is probably being tailed by Shrub’s FBI/Mormon thugs for possible embarrassment.

That’s why Harvard was invented – so socially appropriate peer spousal candidates could meet and mate and produce wealth and spawn to send back to Harvard.

@SanFranLefty: I think it is partly because of being born rich and feeling like nobody would be attracted or interested in him but for his money, and having hired help around 24/7 who are so inside of life boundaries I can’t imagine.

@SanFranLefty: I grew up in a house with maids in uniform (sometime I’ll scan and upload an extended family group portrait complete with maids in their dress uniforms — yes, there was dress and everyday). I know the men I grew up with would consider going to a prostitute just a purchase of services, something that wouldn’t count as cheating or having an affair. It depersonalizes the sex. There is no intimacy or emotion. It’s sort of like getting a massage.

@SanFranLefty:
I think that Barry’s a one woman guy because he’s too serious and dorky to attract the “fun” ladies and I think Michelle and him have a rather healthy relationship.

Although I think that the reason why BushCo is so seriously pro-telco immunity is because it was used for oppo research and blackmail.

@ManchuCandidate: You can trace the broad scanning for funds transfers that was used against Spitzer to the Patriot Act. Like a few nickel and dime wires were worthy of interrogation as potential terrorist money laundering/transfer events. . . Sure. GOP operative Robert Stone tipped off the right people at the RNC who made a phone call to the right people in DHS, Justice, etc. He is buying poontang. Nail the fucker. Before Wall Street melts down and he has a chance to go after our benefactors.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2008/03/24/2008-03-24_gop_operative_roger_stone_helped_bring_d.html

@FlyingChainSaw: Actually, that was why Radcliffe and other “sister” colleges were invented. Women weren’t admitted to Harvard until the early 70s.

@Mistress Cynica: Preventing inappropriate entanglements among their offspring is a major preoccupation of the rich. Maybe encouraging the use of prostitutes is one method, boys will be boys, its best they get it out of their system in safe cash-driven transactions, lest they fall in love with some inappropriately poor girl.

@Mistress Cynica: It seems appropriate that for the Turkey Day holiday weekend photo-jam you upload one of those photos of the Southern family with maids in uniform from a Thanksgiving of past. Re: the depersonalization – wasn’t that pretty much Strom Thurmond and the family maid?

Holy effing shit, girl. Thank FSM you got to Oregon when you did. You do realize that you could write a hell of a memoir? I would buy it/market it for you.

@Mistress Cynica: True, by accident of history I am more aware of this fact that you might assume. Still, you might notice their proximity to the other Ivys in their logistical planning and the fact that they were mated to them and, in the case, of Radcliffe, finally absorbed by it. What happened with Barnard? In any case, I was speaking in purely sociological terms, pointing to the Ivys as a platform for elites to meet and mate. I think this pair met at Princeton but there is some Harvard in their shared scholastic provenances, I think.

@ManchuCandidate said:

” the reason why BushCo is so seriously pro-telco immunity is because it was used for oppo research and blackmail.”

And Barry voted for it because….?

@Promnight: Roughly equivalent but I don’t think that phase really ever ends in our case. Of course, every other Ghey here is partnered up from my understanding, so I may just be an outlier. Then again, I’m not really seeking a Mr. Rptrcub right now.

@FlyingChainSaw: Yes, Eliot and Silda met at Harvard Law a decade before Unicorn and Mrs. Unicorn went through the gilded gates. And good call re: Princeton – Eliot’s undergrad.

Note to self: Why does random shit like this stick in my brain but I can’t remember the pluperfect verb tense of Spanish – or what a third party beneficiary is in a contract – something much more useful? Wait until I’m on Jeopardy, bishes, I will kick some serious trivia ass!

@String Bikini Theory: Because otherwise Hillbot would say he was on the side of the tear-ists, obvs.

@SanFranLefty: It’s not random shit. It’s a story which the species is deeply programmed to retain above all other forms of information. And it is a mating story. The central narrative of the human beings. You think people are into geneology because they don’t have better things to do?

@String Bikini Theory:
I honestly don’t know.

I’m thinking SanFranLefty: might be right.

@SanFranLefty:
I’m banned by my family and friends from ever playing Trivial Pursuit for the same reason–most of the time I win and it’s rarely close. I soak up useless bits but ask me about the capacity of a specific cellular network device and I scratch my head.

@FlyingChainSaw: Yep. So the upper class can reproduce itself without dilution. Things were much healthier at UCLA when I was there.

@SanFranLefty:
Obviously. Except that Hillbot voted against it and the nomination was already sewed up. Otherwise a perfectly good explanation.

@Promnight: I don’t understand it either, as I have been perfectly average-looking for most of my teenage and adult life. The hormone spurt and desire to be a swordsman came when I did not have the looks nor the self-confidence to run with it. Nowadays, despite better self-esteem and decent discretionary income, I don’t exactly find a lot of fun of thinking of women as conquests and not really as people.

I think of Spitzer’s addiction as a power thing, something that the wealthy have in order to be in control. It’s a superiority thing. Having never been able to exercise such a power trip, I can’t comprehend it.

@ManchuCandidate: Same with me re Trivial Pursuit. I never get a teammate — I go solo against teams of 2, 3 or 4. But I’ve noticed that, as I get older, and especially when I’m really tired, I’ll sometimes lose my train of thought within a single sentence, like being really stoned but without the fun part.

Oh hey, whats with terror alert for Black Friday? And Mumbai terrorism attacks? Don’t those fucks know you aren’t supposed to challenge the new president until after he is in office? Or was Bush jealous that Obama was looking effective and smart and diligent and stuff, hey, “hang on, help is on the way” was the worst insult a president elect ever delivered to a lame duck, like saying “Hey, just survive the last 2 months of asshole and I will save you,” Bush may have called out the dogs to shift the focus.

@Dodgerblue: I have never won a game of trivial pursuit, I was always weak on movies. But I have answered every single question during an episode of Jeapardy.

Yeah, well wait till the Village gets a fucking load of the press conferences. Asshole president or CEO of dead, gutted bank is duct-taped over a chair, pants down, ass-up in a room in a supermax populated by neo-Nazi serial killers, facing a screen with a Web cast (broadcast over ESPN pay per view) of Spitzer preparing for his seven-way. Spitzer, wearing nothing but socks, leans into the Web cam and informs the convicted Wall Street gangster, “By the time these guys are done with you, you’ll need a fucking colostomy bag, fuckface. Unnafuckingstand? But I will give you a break, asshole, because I am a nice guy and I am in a good mood because six incredibly taught, insanely lustful fuckable women are here to fuck me into a fucking coma, courtesy the American taxpayer. There’s a gun on the fucking table in the room. Just say, ‘gimme the gun,’ and we’ll let you go and you can do the right thing and join your friends in fucking hell. Lemme know. Asshole.”

@Signal to Noise: Village

@FlyingChainSaw: Barnard became part of Columbia.

@SanFranLefty: My nightmare is that I get on Jeopardy, and instead of my dream categories (classical mythology, 19th century fiction, British aristocracy) it will all be sports questions.

@FlyingChainSaw: You use your keyboard purtier than a twenty-dollar whore. I am in awe, such viciousness, and yet all so just and right and proper, and expressed with eloquence and even poetry. And think of the pay-per-view revenues.

@ManchuCandidate: My best friend and I were unstoppable in high school in playing TP against our fellow geeks/band nerds/theatre freaks. She later got her PhD in mechanical engineering, I have pieced together the liberal arts counterpart.

@Dodgerblue: Okay, so I think I have an idea for the Stinque Inaugural Party. (Are you listening MellBell?) We have to find a trashy bar quiet enough so that we can have a turbo game of Trivial Pursuit, preferably with a politics subtheme. I always suck in the movie/TV section, although my subscription to US Weekly is helping with that.

@String Bikini Theory: Well fuck it then, I don’t know why the Unicorn did it. I remember that PedoNator was really pissed when it happened. Because the Repugs would say he’s a Muslem tear-ist? The same reason those girls with hijabs were banished off the stage at one of his events? At this point the Unicorn could bite the head off a kitteh and I could live with it so long as he makes good appointments to the Article III courts, a branch oft-forgotten and ignored under the current regime.

@FlyingChainSaw: Do you mean “taut” instead of “taught”? :P

@Mistress Cynica: Explain to me why women who I have met/interviewed for jobs still list Barnard as their undergrad on their resume when they are class of ’99 or (gulp!) ’07?

@SanFranLefty: Yes, but I was finishing my tangerine while I was Gatling away on the comment.

@SanFranLefty: I think it’s a separate college within Columbia — sort of like the Oxford colleges. I just remember this because I went to a women’s college and and served on the Alumnae Board (that’s how it’s spelled when all the alums are girls), so we kept track of disappearing single-sex colleges.

@SanFranLefty: Done and done, though I refuse to play with anything other than the Genus Edition. With any luck I can locate one on eBay in good condition (or better) between now and then.

@mellbell: Also, I have Apples to Apples, which would be terrible fun with you jokers.

@FlyingChainSaw: from your keyboard to God’s ears, if we’re lucky.

@mellbell: While I am thankful for my geeked-out board game prowess, I would be more thankful if I could play ball like Kobe or play guitar like Joe Pass.

@String Bikini Theory: Barry went on a two-week blitz of Claiming the Middle, including the telco vote. It wasn’t about Hillary; it was about McCain.

It also put an end to a number of Unicorn fantasies around these parts. I held out until offshore drilling, since which he’s been Barry to me except for certain formal occasions.

The progressive whining about his putatative (and actual) cabinet choices reveals a shorter attention span than I would have guessed among the pinko intelligentsia — don’t pretend like you didn’t see it coming, gang.

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