Okay, there’s a cheat here — it’s a ceramic squirrel. Kinda spoils the fun, doesn’t it?

Or not:

A South Carolina woman was held on a domestic abuse charge for allegedly stabbing her common-law husband with a decorative ceramic squirrel when he came home late on Christmas Eve without any beer.

Now that’s journalism: A sentence that could have happily ended after “squirrel”, but continues for three additional clauses, each topping the last. We’ve seen entire movies with less story.

[via Know Your Meme]

Title: “A Year of Miracles: Daily Devotions and Reflections”

Author: Marianne Williamson

Rank: 100

Blurb: “A Year of Miracles is her collection of 365 spiritual readings, including prayers, meditations, declarations, and affirmations — one for each day of the year — that offer guidance, support, and enlightenment to focus your thinking. With this thoughtful meditative devotional, you can stay mindful, hopeful, and centered every day, producing miracles in your life.”

Read more »

Title: “One Direction 2014 Calendar: 18 Month”

Rank: 96

Review: “My daughter loves it she put it up in her room immediately and is keeping track of her home school schedule with it.”

Customers Also Bought: “One Direction Life-size Stand-up Cutout- Harry”

Footnote: Shaun Cassidy is 55.

One Direction 2014 Calendar [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

“It’s a rite of passage to have sex in Snuffleupagus.”

—Moby, speaking on the Nerdist podcast about Muppet Christmas parties.

Title: “Happy, Happy, Happy: My Life and Legacy as the Duck Commander”

Author: Phil Robertson

Rank: 40

Blurb: “Phil’s is the remarkable story of one man who followed the call he received from God and soon after invented a duck call that would begin an incredible journey to the life he had always dreamed of for himself and his family.”

Review: “This is a wholesome family that others would do well to learn from!”

Bonus Review: “They do not condemn others, they lift everyone around them up.”

Customers Also Bought: “Duck Dynasty Redneck Wisdom Board Game”

Footnote: Setting aside that whole Evil Fags Happy Darkies Thing, our favorite moment of the whole hullabaloo was learning that A&E fakes the bleeps to spice up the show.

Happy, Happy, Happy [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

If you can’t make sense of our guest columnist, not to worry. We can’t either.

In the scope of my research, a feminist programming language is to be built around a non-normative paradigm that represents alternative ways of abstracting. The intent is to encourage and allow new ways of thinking about problems such that we can code using a feminist ideology.

To succinctly sum up my research thus far I will outline the decomposition of my question below:

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Yes, Megyn, there is a White Santa Claus. Many of them. And they’re pissed.

[via Know Your Meme]