While everyone gets excited about today’s dueling national-security speeches from Barry and the Dark Lord, we’re left bewildered by a (fleetingly) secret meeting Barry held yesterday with leaders of law-and-order groups.

And by “law and order,” we mean the usual suspects: human rights and civil liberties organizations.

You know, folks devoted to the ideals and traditions of the Constitution and the rule of law. Or, as they’re known in today’s political environment: left-wing extremists.

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As long as it doesn’t land, we figure we’re safe.

Tuesday Joyride! [Cynics Party]

We’re fascinated by this exchange from a press conference today, where Harry Reid, Senator from the Great State of Lost Wages, cashes out on Guantanamo:

REID: I’m saying that the United States Senate, Democrats and Republicans, do not want terrorists to be released in the United States. That’s very clear.

QUESTION: No one’s talking about releasing them. We’re talking about putting them in prison somewhere in the United States.

REID: Can’t put them in prison unless you release them.

QUESTION: Sir, are you going to clarify that a little bit? …

REID: I can’t make it any more clear than the statement I have given to you. We will never allow terrorists to be released in the United States.

For cowardice in the face of transparent bluffing — for folding ’em when he should be holding ’em — Harry wins our inaugural Kenny Rogers Award.

Reid: Guantanamo Detainees Should Not Be Held In U.S. Prisons [Think Progress]

Just when you thought it was safe to resume fucking pigs, the swine flu is back. Not that it went away, but once we realized it wasn’t going to decimate the world population by week’s end, we got distracted by iPhone Myst.

Swine flu remains a “phase 5” threat, somewhere between contagious yawning and Black Death. Under World Health Organization rules — which some nations are challenging because it would be a bummer — if the flu spreads just a little more, we’ll have a grand old pandemic on hour hands.

The problem is that the virus isn’t following God’s Plan for weeding the garden of humanity. CDC guidelines, for example, cover typical settings like hospitals, nursing homes, and day-care centers. Nobody expected high schools to be the cesspools of Armageddon:

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So we’re watching SNL — no, not the sketch where they beat Family Guy to the network-promo gag — and some prescription drug commercial comes on, and as the soothing announcer recites the side effects, we start dreading whatever disease would require suffering these consequences:

Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with amnesia for the event, as well as behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, and hallucinations have been reported. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicidal thoughts or actions may occur.

Not to mention an unaccountable urge for demon wieners.

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GQ has a slideshow of actual cover sheets used for intelligence briefings in March-April 2003 — when we invaded Iraq. They’re the work of Major General Glen Shaffer, and despite objections from within the Pentagon, Shaffer argued the bosses were cool with it:

When colleagues complained to Shaffer that including a religious message with an intelligence briefing seemed inappropriate, Shaffer politely informed them that the practice would continue, because “my seniors” — JCS chairman Richard Myers, Rumsfeld, and the commander in chief himself — appreciated the cover pages.

We’ll have to double-check our Gideon, but we weren’t previously aware of a Book of Quagmire.

Onward, Christian Soldiers [GQ]

And He Shall Be Judged [GQ]

Title: Deb & Seby’s Real Deal on Global Warming

Author: Al Sonja Schmidt

Rank: 520,655

Blurb: “In and out of the classroom children are bombarded with graphic images of earth’s destruction and drowning polar bears due to global warming. They worry that we must all fix the problem FAST! Or they worry that it’s already too late and we’re all DOOMED! But is man-made global warming really settled science, or the last environmental scare? Deb and Seby’s Real Deal on Global Warming is a contemporary, fun and entertaining book for children (ages 11 and up) and adults who want to learn more about the other side of global warming without big scientific words!”

Review: “London was hit by its first October snow since 1922.”

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