Whew, that was close — when Bill O’Reilly came out in favor of the Public Option last week, we were sure we’d need to shop Beelzebub Outfitters for parkas before spending our eternity surrounded by evil penguins.

Happily, the Afterlife’s Global Cooling problem has been resolved. “The Internet is a safe haven for liars,” says O’Reilly, explaining that what he meant was a private-insurance pool for his non-BMW-driving viewers, not a government-run plan that denies robber barons their rightful profits.

“It just drives me crazy that you can’t have an honest dialogue in this country anymore,” says O’Reilly. We’ll enjoy reminding him of that one when we’re sharing loofahs in Hades.

See this curly fry I’m holding up? It’s an energy-saving fluorescent light bulb, designed to give your home the same loving warmth you enjoy at the office. We know you like to pretend to be environmentally responsible — it’s that “personal virtue” the vice president used to talk about, before he got into testing car batteries on swarthy brown people. It’s why you’re likely to buy a hybrid to complement that SUV in your driveway.

Here at BMW, we understand your passion to pretense. That’s why we’re firing up a gazillion light bulbs in this commercial to show our solidarity with your psychographic. Because you don’t really want to save the environment. You just want to think you do.

Programming note: Our Socialist President will be chatting it up with Letterman tonight. (Don’t worry, you’re safe — Colbert has the night off.) As long as he goes easy on those wayward self-deprecating anecdotes, he should glide through it. Special points if Dave asks Barry whether the Public Option will float.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-MjMczhAt8

Michael Schwartz, chief of staff for Senator Tom Coburn, at the Values Voters Summit on Saturday:

All pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy?

He probably will. After he calls the cops on you.

Coburn’s Chief Of Staff On Keeping Kids Away From Porn: ‘All Pornography Is Homosexual Pornography’ [Think Progress]

Sandy Eggo’s Chargers may be the suckiest team in the NFL, with just one Super Bowl appearance in 43 years (and the wrong side of 49-26 against Frisco at that), but there’s one statistic where they put the rest of the league to shame:

Team owners, officials and players have combined to contribute more than $2.4 million to political candidates and committees since the 1990 election cycle.

Take that, Houston Texans and your measly $623,000. For that matter, 98% of Charger contributions have gone to America’s Other Losers, the Republicans.

Which is why we’re going shirtless to today’s Stinque Tailgate. With a giant dollar sign painted on our chest.

Politicians Score Significant Cash From NFL Owners, Coaches and Players [OpenSecrets, via Rachel]

Title: “Guide to Pirate Parenting: Why You Should Raise Your Kids As Pirates, and 101 Tips on How to Do It”

Author: Tim Bete

Rank: 337,553

Blurb: “If you’re like most parents, you long to raise your children as pirates, but just don’t know how. In Guide to Pirate Parenting, Cap’n Billy The Butcher MacDougall provides everything you need to know to turn your little powder monkeys into happy, healthy buccaneers.”

Review: “I also enjoyed the sections on ‘Your pirate’s progress,’ that has lists for you to check how quickly they are growing as a pirate by what they are saying. Such as:

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrWh8VVaz60

Harry Shearer calls it the Full Ginsberg — an homage to Monica Lewinsky’s lawyer, who once made the rounds of all five Sunday talk shows in a single day. And tomorrow, Barack Obama will be matching that feat.

Almost. One show got left out. Guess which?

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