Donald Trump’s Guide to Women

All in the taint.

Our guest columnist is “John Miller”, who totally isn’t Donald Trump, really, why would you even think that, speaking on the phone to People reporter Sue Carswell in 1991.

Short Fingers are the Ultimate Aphrodisiac

I think that he’s got a whole open field really. A lot of the people that you write about, and you people do a great job, by the way, but a lot of the people that you write about really are — I mean, they call. They just call. Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things.

I’ll Have What Mick’s Having

What she was having a very big thing with Mick Jagger. And then what happened, she was going with Eric Clapton, and Eric Clapton introduced her to Mick Jagger, and then Mick Jagger started calling her, and she ended up going with Mick Jagger. And then she dropped Mick Jagger for Donald, and that’s where it is right now.

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Revenge of the Boomers

Why won't you stay dead?

Eight years ago — eight years ago! — we made a Bold Proclamation about a generational shift in American politics:

This fall, we’re taking over the country. The torch has been passed to a new generation, and this time it’s personal. It’s the Barry & Sarah Show, hosted by Jon Stewart, fortysomethings all. Joe and John will have walk-on parts, but they’re both irrelevant to the story. It’s our world now, and you kids will just have to deal with it.

And eight years later, we’re faced with a choice between Hillary Clinton (b.1947) and Donald Trump (b.1946).

What the hell happened?

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The Choad Ahead

Trump voters await their harvest.

And here we are.

We weren’t supposed to be here — we were punditsplained for months how this was not merely unlikely, but totally impossible — but anybody paying attention could see it happening, almost from the start.

Really: Calling John McCain a loser because he was a POW? And getting away with it? Put away your statistical analysis, nerds. We’re in uncharted territory here.

And yet, since Donald Trump won Indiana Tuesday night, we’ve been treated to a barrage of new assurances that It Can’t Happen Here. And you’ll forgive us if we’re in no hurry to pop the champagne.

We’re in no hurry anyway because we’re facing a classic Least Worst choice this November, but hey, that’s The American System.

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You’re Not Listening

Back in the Old Country — well, okay, Oregon — occasionally we would need to skip town now and then, and leave our cats with our parents. Our mom once marveled at how talkative they were, which struck us as an odd thing to say, because of course they were talkative. We talked to our cats all the time. And they talked back.

It’s really not hard to understand cats. “I’m hungry” and “I want outside” and “I’m fucking pissed” pretty much runs the conversation. (With dogs, it’s all “Do you love me?”) Talk to them like a grownup — “That tabletop is my turf!” — they’ll get the message.

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Other Omens of the Apocalypse

Everybody loves a Western.

  • Malcolm X on the Ten
  • Wall Street CEO perp walks
  • Smash hiphop musical about Grover Cleveland

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Prince Rogers Nelson, 1958-2016

Singer Prince dies at 57 [CNN]

🔟⚡️

Five bars on Mount Sinai.

1️⃣🚫👽

2️⃣🚫🗿

3️⃣🚫💩

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