The Trump Show

Here’s to failure!

Over the past long, long year, we’ve seen various forms of a recurring thought: Donald Trump can’t be serious.

He’s doing it for the publicity. He’s a devious Hillary trickster. He wants to launch a new cable channel. He never planned to win, and then he won, and now he’s trying as hard as he can to lose, because no serious candidate could possibly be this awful.

It’s The Candidate meets The Producers.

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Donald Trump Has Not Said Anything Extraordinarily Awful In The Past Few Days, So Let’s Talk About Cats

This totally has no relationship to anything you might be reading in the news.

When you headline your article “Yes, You Can Train Your Cat”, you have our attention. Not because we’re seeking ways to train cats, and not that we dispute that it’s possible to undermine a cat’s very nature by treating it like a common dog, but that it’s an abomination against Creation itself to even consider the idea.

Not unlike Donald Trump’s abomination suggesting that the nice Black citizens of Pennsylvania may stuff ballot boxes, but that’s a pretty pro forma abomination coming from him, so we’ll ignore it.

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That Time Hillary Imagined Obama’s Assassination and We All Got Upset, Like, Two Hours About It

Run bitter, run deep.

Let’s dive down the Stinque Memory Hole and revisit that fine Friday afternoon of May 23, 2008:

“My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don’t understand it.”

Yeah, who knows what might happen in an election? My opponent might get shot!

And then, later that day:

“I regret that if my referencing that moment of trauma for our entire nation and in particular the Kennedy family was in any way offensive. I certainly had no intention of that whatsoever,” the former first lady said.

See, Mr. Trump, that’s how you do it: Put it out there, then “apologize” after the damage is done. Lucky for us you’re incompetent.

Trump says ‘Second Amendment people’ could stop Clinton [The Hill]

The Republic Will Survive

There’s always 2020.

On behalf of the dwindling tribe of rational beings in These United States, we would like to thank Donald Trump for being utterly incompetent.

Trump’s gift for making subtext text — for putting into words what other politicians encoded in dog whistles — revealed what everyone has known, or should have known, since 1980: Conservative politics is total bullshit, an intellectual veneer riding atop an ugly racist engine.

Whatever merit was to be found in conservative “ideas” was totally irrelevant, since without the power of Angry White Voters resentful of Welfare Queens and fearful of Black Murderers, those ideas would never have gained or maintained currency.

And should that bigotry wear thin in a given election, you could always turn to faggots instead to incite an electorally remunerative moral panic.

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Donald Trump is a Bad Person and You’re a Bad Person for Supporting Him

Here is an orangutan as a comment on Donald Trump’s hair.

Donald Trump is a bad person. You are a bad person for supporting him. Donald Trump said something stupid today. Here is Donald Trump saying something stupid. Here is Donald Trump saying something stupid that makes him sound like a bad movie villain. Here is a video showing Donald Trump saying something stupid, with cuts to the bad movie villain, and music from a recent horror movie, and text I’ve added in case you missed the point.

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Rejected Slogans

The Bridge to the Future Was a U-Turn

  • We Won’t Frighten the Shit Out of You
  • A Slightly Less Abrupt Dystopian Future
  • Mailbox Full

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I, Toady

Yes, Mr. Trump.

And the winner is…

Wait. Not Newt? Darn.

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