The Real War on Christmas

Happy New Year to you all!

Rule 36

Fap Fap Revenge.Title: “Images You Should Not Masturbate To”

Authors: Graham Johnson and Rob Hibbert

Rank: 54

Blurb: “Temporarily out of stock”

Review: “Kindle edition took both hands.”

Customers Also Bought: “Rude Hand Gestures of the World”

Footnote: Feet.

Images You Should Not Masturbate To [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

KickStarter Proposal: Movie Called ‘100 Ways to Murder Kim Jong-un’

You know you want to see this movie!

On the Internet.

Everyone in the world wants to kill this fucking guy - for all the right reasons. KIMFUCK MUST DIE!

Everyone in the world wants to kill this fucking guy – for all the right reasons. KIMFUCK MUST DIE!

Nojo, want to make a movie? If we can get even a few thousand bucks, we can recruit a film crew and crowdsource the script.

Here’s the frame: Kim Park Kim  escapes from North Korea and invents a time travel machine so he can have 100 chances to kill Kim Jong-un but everyone in the world is so eager to kill him, too, he is forced to hold a contest and give away the other 99 chances.

The contest is simple. Kim Park Kim  will chose the first 99 most imaginative ways to kill Kim Jong-un.

This sets up story to plot point two. Everyone is showing up at Kim Park Kim’s front door with money, drugs, immense luscious breasts to bribe him into selecting their grisly plan to kill Kim Jong-un.

Hucksters playing the obvious angle try selling time travel devices to North Korea to foil our heroes by murdering Kim Park before he escapes North Korea.

This will get us to plot point two. Even if we’re stuck for ideas, we can retread parts of the Palin opera.

What do you say, Nojo?

Sense and Sensibility

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!Title: “Animals (Baby Touch and Feel)”

Author: DK Publishing

Rank: 100

Blurb: “With padded covers, simple images, and an amazing range of novelty textures, Baby Touch and Feel books immediately capture the attention of the very youngest children to create an experience they’ll want to repeat over and over again.”


Customers Also Bought: “Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Click’n Learn Remote”

Footnote: We hear there’s a grownup version featuring Roger Daltrey.

Animals [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Chronicle of Our Life Foretold

Every era needs its Eeyore.Title: “Grumpy Cat 2015 Wall Calendar”

Author: Grumpy Cat

Rank: 61

Blurb: “Bonus page includes Sep-Dec 2014 overview.”

Review: “Looking forward to seeing Grumpy every day starting next year.”

Customers Also Bought: “Grumpy Cat Earbuds

Footnote: Any time you think things can’t get any worse, just check the date.

Grumpy Cat 2015 Wall Calendar [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Go Away, Or We Shall Taunt You a Second Time

The Fountainheadache.Title: “The Motivation Manifesto”

Author: Brendon Burchard

Rank: 82

Blurb: “The Motivation Manifesto is a pulsing, articulate, ferocious call to claim our personal power. World-renowned high performance trainer Brendon Burchard reveals that the main motive of humankind is the pursuit of greater Personal Freedom. We desire the grand liberties of choice — time freedom, emotional freedom, social freedom, financial freedom, spiritual freedom. Only two enemies stand in our way: an external enemy, defined as the social oppression of who we are by the mediocre masses, and an internal enemy, a sort of self-oppression caused by our own doubt and fear.”

Review: “It’s a deep look at our inner psychology — what holds us back and how can we rewire our brains to break through our fears to live daily in a fully charged and inspired state.”

Customers Also Bought: “The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse”

Footnote: If your only external enemy is social oppression by the mediocre masses, and not actual oppression by the armed and uniformed masses, what are you complaining about?

The Motivation Manifesto [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon Kickback Link]

Barely Breathing

This sums it up. For fuck’s sake.

I can't breathe.


[NY Daily News]