Seven Takes in Search of an Audience

1. Watch this! It’s adorable!

2. Did you see how he shoved his daughter out of the way? If a woman did that, she would be accused of child abuse!

3. The desperate nanny is everything that’s wrong with patriarchal society.

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The Stinque Braquet 2017

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.

And Madness is sanity.

In the years we’ve been promoting this joint, we actually had a Preznident who knew something about the subject — who knew many things about many subjects, which is kinda what you want in a Preznident, or someone near him.

And now we have a failed owner of a failed football team in a failed league, who very likely knows less about Sport than we do, and definitely knows less about everything else.

And you know what? We’re fine with him not caring. This may be the only escape America can enjoy for the duration.

So while Our Exceptional Republic’s leaders are crafting charts showing how quickly they can funnel money to the top of society, you’re invited to once again show the world how quickly you can fall to the bottom of the Stinque Braquet, hosted as always by Braquet Dowager Mellbell.

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PRECEDENT FUCKFACE von CLOWNSTICK GOES FULL-ON BONKERS: Accuses Obama of Tapping Trump Tower During Election

This should finally move a few GOP congress critters who aren’t senescent or barking mad to move to impeach. Shouting conspiracy theories from the White House in a bathrobe is where the line should be drawn between eccentric leadership and unacceptable lunacy that is threatening to the life and authority of the Republic.

The Unraveling

Our guest interlocutors are John Dean and Richard Nixon, speaking in the Oval Office on March 21, 1973. Their conversation has been condensed for obvious pointed contemporary comparison.

DEAN:
I think, I think that, uh, there’s no doubt about the seriousness of the problem we’re, we’ve got. We have a cancer — within, close to the Presidency, that’s growing. It’s growing daily. It’s compounding, it grows geometrically now because it compounds itself. Uh, that’ll be clear as I explain you know, some of the details, uh, of why it is, and it basically is because (1) we’re being blackmailed; (2) uh, people are going to start perjuring themselves very quickly that have not had to perjure themselves to protect other people and the like. And that is just — and there is no assurance—

PRESIDENT:
That it won’t bust.

DEAN:
That, that it won’t bust.

PRESIDENT:
True.

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STINQUE MENTAL HEALTH MOMENT: Is Precedent Fuckface von Clownstick Crazy from Senescence, AIDS-Related Dementia or Syphilitic Dementia?

We posit plausible scientific theses!
You decide!

The criminally insane whack job that is wandering around the White House in his bathrobe babbling to himself and plotting revenge against everyone in AMERICA! who has refused to publicly swear allegiance to his throne is obviously suffering deep and incurable mental illness.

If CNN reported tomorrow that Precedent von Clownstick was found eating his own arm and laying in his own feces on the floor of the oval office with a greased woodchuck stuck in his ass, no one anywhere would be surprised. Anyone who’s read the newspapers in the last month would shrug.

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It’s FUCKFACE! TIME! ON! THE! TV!

Boycott SOTU

The State of the Union address is one of our grandest political traditions.

It is also one of the silliest.

It begins with Honorable Congresscritters jockeying for aisle position where the Preznident walks in, the better to be caught on camera in the presence of American power. It continues with the ritual standing ovations from one half of the room or the other, plus the obligatory cutaways to Humble Citizens mentioned in the laundry-list speech. Finally, everyone sits on edge to hear whether the State of our Union is, indeed, strong, which would be the only surprise of the evening if it wasn’t.

Not only is it silly, it’s completely unnecessary.

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