The Problem With Running For President in a Nativist Party (When Your Name is Rafael Cruz)

CruzCertificate

It was really only a matter of time before Ted Cruz, presidential candidate and most hated man in the U.S. senate, would fall victim to his own party’s anti-immigrant fervor. Climbing in the polls and threatening the Trump campaign in Iowa, Cruz has become the target of accusations and insinuations that the conservative firebrand, born of a Cuban father and American mother on Canadian soil (Calgary), does not meet the Constitutional requirement that a president be a “natural born citizen.”

From the left, it’s deliciously ironic to see this sort of comeuppance for man who sought to reassure GOP voters of his anti-immigrant bonafides by paraphrasing George Wallace’s “segregation forever speech” for The New York Times. And of course, there’s more than just a little satisfaction to be gained by watching the party that spawned an industry of nutty conspiracy theorists dedicated to casting doubt on Barack Obama’s eligibility now setting its sights on destroying one of its own. Read more »

I Hate Spunk

My Brilliant Self-Involved Career.Title: “Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits — to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life”

Author: Gretchen Rubin

Rank: 98

Blurb: “Rubin uses herself as guinea pig, tests her theories on family and friends, and answers readers’ most pressing questions — oddly, questions that other writers and researchers tend to ignore.”

Review: “I know way more about Gretchen’s life, thoughts, and feelings than I want to.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun” by Gretchen Rubin, and “Happier at Home: Kiss More, Jump More, Abandon Self-Control, and My Other Experiments in Everyday Life” by Gretchen Rubin

Footnote: Gretchen Rubin doesn’t need a vacuum to suck all the air out of a room.

Better Than Before [Amazon]

Spoil Amongst Yourselves

Han Should Have Shot First.Title: “Sphero BB-8 App-Enabled Droid”

Rank: 1 (RC Figures & Robots)

Blurb: “This is the Droid You’re Looking For.”

Reasons to Spear Your Dad If He Doesn’t Buy You One: “BB-8 has something unlike any other robot — an adaptive personality that changes as you play. Based on your interactions, BB-8 will show a range of expressions and even perk up when you give voice commands. Set it to patrol and watch your Droid explore autonomously, make up your own adventure and guide BB-8 yourself, or create and view holographic recordings.”

Review: “Introduced him to my cats.”

Customers Also Bought: “Thermos Novelty Lunch Kit, Star Wars R2D2 with Lights and Sound”

Footnote: Our office is a converted loading dock with a spacious concrete floor. One of our partners got this for Christmas. Nobody’s getting any work done next week.

BB-8 App-Enabled Droid [Amazon]

Episode VII: Groundhog Day

Episode IX: When Cousins MarryTitle: “Star Wars: The Force Awakens Visual Dictionary”

Author: Pablo Hidalgo

Rank: 44

Blurb: “Beautiful photography and clear, authoritative text by Lucasfilm insider Pablo Hidalgo names and explains all the details of costumes, weapons, and accessories.”

Review: “The first few pages clear up some plot problems in the movie.”

Customers Also Bought: Handsome bonuses for Disney executives.

Footnote: Throwing in a whiny Millennial kid was some brilliant generational trolling.

The Force Awakens Visual Dictionary [Amazon]

Our Unreconstructed Felons

I blame Society.Title: “Stealing America: What My Experience with Criminal Gangs Taught Me about Obama, Hillary, and the Democratic Party”

Author: Dinesh D’Souza

Rank: 507 (Politics rank: 35)

Epically Self-Righteous Blurb:

In the fall of 2014, outspoken author and filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza found himself hauled into federal court for improperly donating money to an old friend’s Senate campaign. D’Souza pleaded guilty and was sentenced to eight months in a state-run confinement center. There he lived among hardened criminals — drug dealers, thieves, gangbangers, rapists, and murderers. Now the bestselling author explains how this experience not only changed his life, but fundamentally transformed his view of his adopted country.

Read more »

Hinckley’s Accomplice

Shoot Happens.Title: “Killing Reagan: The Violent Assault That Changed a Presidency”

Authors: Bill O’Reilly and Martin Dugard

Rank: 20

Blurb: “A page-turning epic account of the career of President Ronald Reagan that tells the vivid story of his rise to power — and the forces of evil that conspired to bring him down.”

Review: “First of all, Reagan didn’t die.”

Customers Also Bought: “The Time of Our Lives” by Peggy Noonan

Guest Footnote:

Under America’s loose federal gun control law Hinckley could buy a handgun from any one of 160,000 dealers or pawnbrokers…

Read more »

I Have to Wee Wee in the Jar Jar

Meesa horny.Title: “Star Wars Little Golden Book Library”

Rank: 47

Blurb: “Featuring stunning retro illustrations, this boxed set of six Little Golden Books is perfect for Star Wars fans of all ages!”

Review: “My 3-year old son is straight-up obsessed with these books. We used them as rewards during potty training. He goes an entire day wearing underpants and staying dry he gets a book.”

Customers Also Bought: “12 Monkeys”

Footnote: Please tell us the rumors about J.J. Abrams stuffing Jar Jar’s severed head in the desert are true.

Star Wars Little Golden Book Library [Amazon]