• Not enough publicity.
• Crowds lost their way after Obama turned off GPS.
• Ill-timed Rapture.

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Remember Jim Cramer? Last time we checked, he was being skewered by Jon Stewart. And if the world has moved on, Cramer hasn’t:

“It was a complete and utter ambush,” Cramer said in an interview with The Lantern. “He told my staff that it was going to be fun, convivial, no clips, but [it] doesn’t matter, he’s a comedian, he can do whatever he wants.”

Of course Cramer’s a comedian too, unless all those props are common arbitrage tools. (And speaking of comedians: Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Beck!) And about that “ambush” — Cramer himself predicted it earlier that day while cooking with convicted financier Martha Stewart:

“I mean, he’s going to be standing there giving me the business, I’m going to have to fight back,” Cramer said. “I’m not a doormat. Do I impress you as a doormat?”

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Now that io9 has spilled the brains on our open-source Zombie Bible, let’s have a look at everyone else we’re beating to market:

• The Portrait of a Lady and Vampires (Henry James and Laurell K. Hamilton)
• Crime and Punishment and Werewolves (Feodor Dostoevsky and Stephen King)
• War and Peace and Alien and Predator (Leo Tolstoy and Jeff VanderMeer)

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Advice on offer from “Wall Street Prison Consultants”, which for $850 will help you survive the hell you’ve earned for ruining the world economy:

• Prevent Being RAPED
• Inmate Etiquette & Politics
• Avoiding and Spotting Informants

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Yes, I really am this desperate for material.

She is going to be really really mad when they turn off the heat in a week or so.

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Porn star Marilyn Chambers found dead in L.A. County home [LA Times]

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Candidate		Pros	Cons
	Clifford	Big. Also, red.	Clashes with Michelle’s wardrobe
	Droopy	Calm	Senate term incomplete
	Sam	Vigilant	Punches out at five
	Scooby	Friendly	Failed urine test

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