Tomorrow’s Excuses

"At any rate I'll never go there again!" said Alice as she picked her way through the wood. "It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!"

  • Not enough publicity.
  • Crowds lost their way after Obama turned off GPS.
  • Ill-timed Rapture.

  • Pirates.
  • Invitations didn’t promise punch & pie.
  • ACORN rented all the porta-potties.
  • Tea shortages.
  • They would have looked larger if we held them on median strips.
  • Everyone left when they learned there wasn’t a turkey drop.
  • Tea parties? What tea parties?
FreedomWorks Orchestrates ‘Grassroots’ Movements To Serve Dick Armey’s Corporate Clients [Think Progress]

Maybe it’s the fact that someone told the wingnutty folks what Teabagging and Teabagger means in slang.

All I know is that these em effers, combined with Atlanta Braves fans, are going to make life very unpleasant for me this afternoon — during ATL’s notoriously bad rush hour — to go see David Sedaris.

For that alone, I deem them enemies of the state. Or at least enemies of the cub.

The irony is that the state DOT is encouraging the teabaggers to take MARTA — a system the Georgia conservatards refuse to fund, let alone allow the transit agency to use their own sales tax dollars to completely fund operations.

OK, I’ve though about it long and hard, and so here’s my excuse for not making one of today’s Tea Parties:

…wait for it…

…wait for it…


The End.

Reasons I may not make it to the teabagging today:

1. It’s rainy, and I hate soggy bags.
2. It’s all the way on the other side of the capitol building, which means I would be getting exercise.
3. My presence could significantly increase the number reported in the media.
4. Unlikely I’ll actually get a teabagging out of it.

Reasons I may go:
1. Santorum!

@rptrcub: You cannot be serious; they actually expect some significant number of fucktards to show up? I find that so hard to believe. I am expecting these things to be like Freeper rallies, typically attended by as many as three pallid, cheeto-stained unemployed shit-for-brains, and often, for reasons I cannot fathom, one lone quasi-hot young chick.

The one positive about this exercise in fucktardery is that it resembles nothing so much as one of those fugitive roundups wherein the authorities contact all the lamisters in an area and tell them they have won a prize, but must show up somewhere to claim it, and when they show up, they learn to their dismay they have been had. All over the US America today, the pigfuckers and the nazis and the 40 year old virgins and the paultards and the freepers and all the other disparate groups that have united for this bizarre parade of idiocy will be publicly outing themselves so that their identities can be noted and they can be properly monitored in the future.

Never since de-institutionalization and the closing of the old, grand state nuthouses has such a congregation of crazy been gathered.

@Prommie: You forget that I live in southeast Dumbfuckistan.

@rptrcub: Atlanta does seem to be the eye of the storm, so to speak. Is that an attempt to force some coverage from SeeEnEn?

@Prommie: I guess I’ll go and see if that one lone quasi-hot young chick is there. Of course, in Pennsyltucky that means she’ll probably be teabagging truck nutz.

@Nabisco: The inexplicable hot chicks at fucktard events are my kinda girl; they have seriously flawed judgment and they are doing something they are probably gonna deeply regret. Yup, that pretty much describes where most of my exes were at when they were with me. In a way, its kinda cool, I am the greatest regret, the most shameful episode, in so many lives.

@Nabisco: Perhaps, though Fox had been doing this for years by putting up We’re Awesome billboards right across the street from CNN Center. However, they’re going to be at the state capitol at looney central, and will still whine about how the evil libruhls at the AJC and CNN aren’t giving them a fair shake.

I’ve dated a hardcore libertarian chick. My advice: pass on that lone hot chick at the tea party. In my experience, hot chicks fall into one of three categories: (1) Sorority girl types who don’t give a crap about the ideological dispositions of the guy they marry, as long as they get to be a senator’s wife. (2) Hairy legged crusaders for all sorts of left-wing causes (this would be my kind of hot chick, BTW) and (c) complete, bat-shit crazy borderline schizophrenics.

@Serolf Divad: Funny. I always went to bed with (2) but woke up next to (c).


You’ll notice that (c) is so crazy they don’t even deserve a number beside them like (1) and (2).

I did that on purpose. Honestly.

@Nabisco: @Prommie: @Serolf Divad:
The old saying is “Sane, sexy, smart- pick two”. YMMV, but so far that reflects my limited experience….

TJ: This is too good to be true. Oh please oh please oh please…

Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich is in talks to star in “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here,” a survival-style reality show set to air June 1 on NBC, sources said.
His attorney, Sheldon Sorosky, told a federal judge Tuesday that Blagojevich soon would be making a request to loosen the travel restrictions placed on him. Such a move would allow the disgraced ex-governor to travel to Costa Rica for the program’s filming this summer.

@fupduk: my sister and I have a saying: “Crazy trumps hot every time.”

I’m going to the rally just as soon as I can figure out who would Jesus teabag?

@Mistress Cynica:
I’d rather he and many other attention whores go on a show I’d like to pitch:

Celebrity Donner Party

Do I need to say more?

@Mistress Cynica: For me, crazy’s not a bug, it’s a feature…

@ManchuCandidate: Darling, your fine talents are being wasted in Canada City. You should be a programming exec in LA. Genius!

@Mistress Cynica:
Ah, but I’d never get a job because I don’t care about what Kansas thinks… and did not get my lobotomy, uh, degree from MBA skule.

@Mistress Cynica: This crazy-haired jauggernaut cannot be stopped. The show would be hella entertaining, though, and also give him some much-needed funds so he can actually have a lawyer for his trial. Delicious as the thought is of his being represented by a public defender because he’s flat broke, so is the state and not a penny more of tax money should be spent on this moran.

He did have a pretty funny quip coming out of court yesterday, proving that NBC is not totally nuts to think people would tune in: As the crowd of reporters got chaotic and a few people were knocked over, one guy near the ex-gov loudly said to someone else “Get the fuck outta here,” then turned and apologized to Rod for his language. Rod’s response was basically, “No problem, it isn’t anything I haven’t heard before–have you heard those tapes?”

Speaking of hawt ‘n stoopid, The Site Which Must Not Be Named has a link to a Details profile of twentysomething beefcake Congressman Aaron Schock (R-Shaved Chest & Balls, Rad Abs).

The dude is seriously Sarah Palin with a dick.

Underneath the gelled hair and waxed chest is the same old banal, sadistic Republitard found anywhere else in Congress; it’s the same old shit wrapped in a pretty package. So this is the future of the GOP?

As if!

@Mistress Cynica: I’d bet money that if he gets the gig, he skips town and heads down Bolivia way.

@Original Andrew: I thought Schock was a six beer queer. Homofascist and other Chicago stinquers, what’s the story?


I get more of a frat-boy douchebag vibe from him than a self-loathing queer vibe, but whatevs.

Even though his views repulse me, I’ll humbly submit my services for the Sisyphean task of fucking his brains back in.

@SanFranLefty: There have been rumors, but nothing I know about any confirmations. He is rather hot though – if we can just pretend he would be one of your Republican elephantine freaky fucks that would be great.

@Original Andrew: Although that picture in Details is a little…gay face.

@homofascist: Do you mean this gay face from Details? Or what about this one? The only straight men who wax their entire bodies like that are professional swimmers and maybe cyclists.

@SanFranLefty: Hahaha that second link is the awesome, hey boobies get it? totally straight! no those aren’t blowjob lips he’s making whatever do you mean? The best word for this guy is “precious”.

@drinkyclown: Don’t you like the way he arranged his “package” in photo #2?

@drinkyclown: @SanFranLefty: @homofascist:

Colbert handed him his ass on “Better Know a District” tonight.

@Original Andrew: Camus: “We must imagine Sisyphus happy.”

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: Man, I can’t stay up until 11:30 PDT – why do you tease me?

@SanFranLefty: For such a young dude, his utter cluelessness at the opening is amazing.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: Schock’s, if you will, shocked response to Colbert’s “Is it true?” line of questioning would seem to confirm SFL’s theory. Well, that and the fact that his taste in music ranges from Justin Timberlake to Rihanna.

@mellbell: Well, there’s no line of young ladies at his door, but I’d love to be a fly on the wall at J.R.’s or some other Dupont Bar when young Rep. Schock comes in with his baseball cap pulled low on his head and his jeans ever-so-insouciantly arranged on his hips with the edge of the CK boxer-briefs peeking out.

@mellbell: Shouldn’t that be Justin Timberlake to Lance Bass?

And in ZB news, our coverage has attracted more Bible ads than I can bear, so I’m blocking them as they turn up. There’s some lag built into the system, so they won’t all disappear immediately.

@nojo: ARE YOU KIDDING? We should take their money. Let the Bible ads reign.

@blogenfreude: Well, our total Google earnings stand at $25.83, and they don’t even pay out until it reaches a hundred bucks. (MSNBC forked over $75 before they ran screaming from the room.)

So, amusement value only in the left column. And Bible ads have ceased to amuse me.

@nojo: There’s a new queen in Civony waiting for me, and she’s a brunette. That entertains me more than the bible ads.

Add a Comment
Please log in to post a comment