Thank you jesus for the man meat which we are about to gobble in your name, for the power of the schlong is thine glory and glofkrkegle, rgrgff!!!

GOP icon, Jesufascist fucktard and gay-bashing schlong-gobbling meth head Ted Haggard refused to take Stinque.com’s recommendation that he take up a new career as a Tiger Temper Tester for for Siegfried and Roy. Having failed at everything in his professional career except finding stupid people to give him money in trade for salvation, Haggard is returning to the revivalist racket, putting together a ‘church’ in his basement.

That’s right. If you thought the Church of the Perpetual Schlong Gobbler in Colorado Springs that Haggard founded in the 1980s was a shithouse of slack-jawed, fuckwitted, drooling snakehanders, then this latest scam should attract the real damaged goods: fucktards of such demented idiocy that they’ll believe they’re being led to salvation by a drug-crazed gay-basher who spent his congregants’ tithes on male prostitutes and drug-fueled gay orgies.

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Feel free to run the video if you tire of (a) the health care debate or (b) Sport.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTI-hF3mtiU

There’s only one relevant question regarding Major Nidal Malik Hasan: Did he act alone?

That was the lingering question Thursday afternoon, when the news talked of “multiple suspects” in the Fort Hood shootings. Big difference between a sole sorry nutjob and a conspiracy.

But when the potential conspiracy evaporated — the other suspects were cleared — well, folks went on looking for one anyway. There are books to move, after all.

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[ Flash video not available. ]

We don’t have the heart to mock right now — we’ll save Yesterday for Tomorrow — so here’s a heartwarming video that’s making the rounds. The little girl’s dad is in Iraq. She thinks.

[break.com]

Among the lighter news we’ve been distracted from the past couple of days is a report that Disney is roughing up Mickey Mouse for a new generation:

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Developing story — this update from 2:36 pm:

Orlando police confirmed that a man suspected in a deadly mass shooting in downtown Orlando has been taken into custody.

The suspect, Jason Rodriguez, 40, is a former employee of Reynolds, Smith & Hill, a transportation consulting company. A SWAT team took him into custody at his mother’s house, Orlando Police Chief Val Demings said.

One person is dead and 5 are confirmed shot in the incident, which took place about 11:50 a.m. at Legions Place, an office building near Interstate 4 and Ivanhoe Boulevard. A handgun was used in the attack, police said.

It’s early, so nobody is blaming Obama yet.

(Earlier Sentinel reports placed the toll at two dead, 17 injured.)

Downtown Orlando shooting: 1 dead, 5 injured [Orlando Sentinel]

Commentary’s Linda Chavez couldn’t wait to exploit a tragedy, as her 5:27 p.m. Thursday post makes clear:

We still don’t know what was behind the killings at Fort Hood this afternoon, in which 11 soldiers and the killer died, but President Obama’s rushed press conference was surprising in its flippancy nonetheless. Before he got to the issue on everyone’s mind — namely the deaths of Americans in uniform — the president gave a “shout-out” to government bureaucrats gathered for a previously scheduled conference at the Interior Department, complete with appreciative chuckles. He treated the event like a pep rally rather than a tragic occasion with a wider audience than those gathered in the room. I wonder how many media outlets will compare Obama’s performance to President Bush’s “Pet Goat” moment on 9/11. I won’t hold my breath.

We’re not sure whether we qualify as a “media outlet”, but here goes…

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