GOP Icon Ted Haggard Takes Freak Show Marriage to ‘Divorce Court’

Meth-Head Ted Begs Jesus to Jerk Off in His Face

Meth-Head Ted Begs Jesus to Jerk Off in His Face

Meth-crazed, schlong-gobbling Jesus yahoo and GOP icon Ted Haggard is still selling his pathetic non-story to a wantonly vapid media, killing time until he can arrange for an opportunity that can hopefully get him out of the business of mortifying his wife and family for a living.

The disgraced, former uberfuhrer of the National Association of Evangelicals, once representing tens of millions of mouthbreathing snakehandlers, is dragging his hapless wife onto Divorce Court on April 1 to continue making their lives into a snakehandler circus sideshow for easy profit – and for some twisted need of Haggard’s to be jeered at by tens of millions of people.

Oh, how the wicked have fallen. Once Meth-head Ted made regular conference calls to the White House to shout halleluahs and advocate the internment of homosexuals with all the Jesus crazies Bush exploited to get himself in a position to loot the United States of America. Now, the simpering twit wanders truck stops trying to trade blowjobs for cheezeburger plates and appearing on TV so he and his wife can be reviled by the whole world for nickels and dimes.

Hey, Stinquers, this just isn’t the way it should end for a fomer president of the National Association of Snakehanlder, should it? Are there other more dignified ways for a person of this stature to be gainfully employed? I suggest Tiger Temper Tester for Siegfried and Roy. Haggard can stick his head into the mouth of the animals they are working with before a performance to make sure they are in good enough humor to go on. Jesus will protect him, right?

16 Comments

She should have divorced him back when he still had a pot to piss in, the schmuck.

So long as he sticks his head in the tiger’s mouth right before its prostate exam, I’m cool with it.

It would be awesome if he got a tattoo of that slogan:

“Meth-crazed, schlong-gobbling Jesus yahoo …”

On the HBO special about his pathetic ass, he was doing door-to-door sales to try to make ends meet. Apparently, an appearance on Divorce Court is a less humiliating way to grovel for money. I think this guy gets a boner over public humiliation.

@lentinus:

I saw that special, and almost felt sorry for him…living out of hotels, all of his stuff in a U-Haul, selling life insurance…

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: my sympathies end when you start mediawhoring yourself out to the world only minutes before having to stoop down to actual whoring.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: It’s an act. Likely, the income from Euro-denominated bonds in offshore accounts can take care of him and family and grandkids and their grandkids in wanton splendor forever. The pathetic routine he pulls when cameras are around is an act to build a redemption narrative. When the TV crew goes away, he’s smoking $50 cigars, eating roasting freshly killed endangered species and cackling in delight during evening’s entertainments when slave boys are dropped off, fresh from the airport, to sate his animal impulses.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: OMG, I’m in love with Margaret and Helen, especially the Anne Coulter posts, like “Ann Coutler Almost Failed Obedience School.”

Nojo, Margaret and Helen have a T-shirt. Why can’t we have a T-shirt:

Stinque.com: Celebrating Cannibal Anarchy Since 2008!

Looks more like he’s begging for another turn of the screw on the anal pear.
Also, his left arm looks more whithered than the Kaiser’s.

@Mistress Cynica:

Aren’t they the best? “Kiss My 83 Year-Old Ass”. You have to love that.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: You don’t think it’s two gay boys in Boise?

@FlyingChainSaw: As long as we’re gonna have a t-shirt…

Stinque.com: Celebrating Cannibal Anarchy Since 2008 1980!

trying to trade blowjobs for cheezeburger plates

So Icanhascheezburger.com is just a pick up joint for fundie cock gobblers?

I will refrain from asking what sort of cheese is on the burgers.

@CheapBoy: OK, I took the bait. Looks like Icanhascheezburger.com is a pussy porn site. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

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