Three Things You Didn’t Want to Know About Cloris Leachman

1. Ed Asner wanted to get his hairy mitts on her: “Every once in a while, he’d grab me and whisper, ‘You’re God’s gift to man!'” But not fat men. She promised to jump in the sack with him if he lost 32 pounds. He ended up three pounds short.

2. Andy Williams wanted to get his non-hairy mitts on her, crooning about a “tryst with caviar and champagne.” They came that close, but when she opened his glove compartment — this is not a metaphor — photographs of his wife and daughter fell out. “[It] ended not in a fiery affair but as it should have, with a light, friendly kiss.”

And here we must demurely pause, because you do not want to know #3. You really don’t. It’s Friday night — surely there’s a game still on, or a DVD you haven’t watched yet. We know you have better things to do.

No?

3. Fine. You’ve been warned:

“As we moved into the main course, it was as if a cosmic wind enveloped us. Some giant space magnet was pulling us together… We didn’t finish the meal. We went upstairs, flew into bed and made love. It was epic. And the next morning, Gene went back to his film and I went back to mine. I haven’t seen Gene since that night, but I remember well the feisty lad he was.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Hackman: “He… vass… my… boyfriend!”

Cloris bares her steamy side [NY Post]
78 Comments

I have nothing but respect for that awesome, awesome woman.

You do understand that she is crazy? I mean.. crazy. And by crazy I mean… crazy. She might not be as crazy as Eileen Brennan but then who is? A fine performer and, no doubt, gifted in the cock gobbling but.. crazy.

You have to love her. May we all go into old age with her life and boldness and fuck-you attitude.

@Benedick: Is Tom Cruise gay? I have been holding that back since we met.

@NOJO: Ewwwww.
No visions of schtupping Cloris Leachman, please.
Too late. Ew.

@Benedick: Is “crazy” the same as insane? Is Mel Gibson crazy or insane? Did you ever meet, or hear good stories, about Richard Harris, or Peter O’Toole? Those two fascinate me, if only because they appear to be two of the most depraved individuals ever to have walked the earth, or are there others more so?

@Promnight: And no visions of Tom Cruise schtupping anything animal, vegetable, or Thetan, please.
Dear god, I had sushi for dinner! Do you want it to end up all over my keyboard?

And I thought “Overshare of the Day” would go to the Oregon Public Radio announcer who shared, in an intro to a story about Spirit Lake, that he had been conceived there. I stand corrected.

@Mistress Cynica: People tell shit like that to their kids when they’re actually recovered from dumpsters or adopted from cousins who’ve had affairs with guys in mental institutions.

I’m going down to the casino, I’m going to put it all on black!

If anyone could turn me het it would be Chloris Leachman. She has phenomenal staying power. How can someone be so sexy past eighty?

@Ewalda: Sorry baby, but Chloris rocks!

@Promnight: I think Tom Cruise is NOT GAY. In a big way. There may have been a time when the Gay Mafiosa would like to have claimed him but I think, over the years, he has finally proven his unbendable heterosexuality, in a most tiresome and boring manner. And at this point his batshit-crazy religious fervor gives most of us gheys a soft-on.

@Benedick: I like to think she’s crazy. Maybe like a crazy Cleo Laine.

Hot Mess Sexy!

@Pedonator: Don’t get me wrong, Tom C does have hisself some sexual charisma, especially when I think about him racing around LA on his motorbike, leathers tightly clinging to the male equivalent of Madonna’s gym-abused body.

And he’s proven his manhood by way of spawn with a beautiful young thrall. And he was totes hot in Minority Report, the sexual tension between him and Colin Farrell was palpitatingly palpable.

Unfortunately the scene where Colin, after an impromptu barechested workout in just his suit pants and belt and wingtips confronts the drug-addled yet stiff and buff Tom, is lost to posteriority. When Colin tosses the pre-crime cop to the floor and finds that he must mount him like a manimal in order to get the cuffs locked and the Halo placed correctly…

Yes, unfortunately, that scene ended up on the cutting room floor.

Cloris used to pass sandwiches over the fence to Judy Garland’s children to keep them from starving while mom was on a bender.

If you pull God’s finger, do you get cosmic wind?

i admired her til she allowed herself to be dragged around the dancing with the stars dance floor. that was crazy.
cruise is gay. and goes to great lengths to distract us and himself from this fact. somethin’ not right with that boy, mr. wonderful is hiding something, me thinks.

i will be laughing all day at “he vass my boyfriend!” you kill me, noj.
did everyone else get that and is hyena laughing with me?

let me clear this one up for you prommie. mel gibson is neither crazy or insane by legal defintion…he’s an asshole

@CheapBoy: No, you just get a casual, indifferent fart that tells you you are insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

@Ewalda: sandwiches: perhaps, the story is all wikipedia.

@baked: I luvs me some elderly crazy wymmyns who just say yuck fu to the world and let it all hang out. Especially when they’s got a big-ass CV full of quality performances in their hystoryz.

Maybe because I’ve never watched any of those “Dancing with _____” shows. I’d much rather see “Starfucking with ______” as a reality show concept. But it would have to be on HBO.

@Pedonator:
i’d like to see that air myself…and of corse david ducovney would host.

@smapdi: As a pre-teen, I was friends with a kid whose parents were from a very lower-class background, yet, because the father worked for the railroad, were able to buy the proverbial house in the suburbs.
We called the kid’s father “Wally Gator” because he reminded us of old Wally.
Anyway, this kid’s mother would make us lunches when the gang was over at the house and screwing around in the basement. Invariably, she would ask if we wanted cheese or horse cock in our sandwiches. “horse cock” was bologna.
This was the same family that had the complete Rusty Warren catalog on LP, which we kids were very keen to memorize. I still sing “Knockers Up” on occasion and recite “Twas the night of the king’s castration” when in my cups.

@Ewalda:
ah so. the origin of the dual meaning of weiner!

@Ewalda: I went through my pre-teens without Rusty Warren or Horse Cock. The gator family was truly blessed.

@Ewalda: Back when I ate (dead) meat, fried “horse cock” sammiches were a staple. Don’t really remember whether I slathered the horse cock with thick creamy mayonnaise or what.

@baked: Personally, I always thought DD would make a creamy yet nutritionally deficient filling between someone like, say, Eric Dane and myself.

@smapdi: The kid had an older cousin named Orrin. Orrin lived on a farm in rural NY state and would come to visit once in awhile. Orrin was into screwing trees, knotholes in barns, mud, chickens, scraps of carpet, pretty much anything he could get his hands on. It was always entertaining to go over to Bobby’s house, since between his parents and his relatives, you never knew just what level of human degradation would greet you.

@Pedonator: Fox Mulder became my second TV crush after MacGyver went off the air. I think that explains a lot. Also, OMG, why the hell am I still awake? Time for bed.

@ManchuCandidate:
“You gettin’ this, camera guy?”
“Because you know, we can’t do this all day.”

@mellbell: I didn’t really watch X-Files, but damn I was hot and sweaty for MacGyver back in the day. The man could do so much just with his hands and a few household items.

If Cloris and Gene got it on well good for them (not so much us.)

Cloris’ stories give me the same uncomfortable feelings that I got when figuring out why one has so many cousins (grandpa was a horndog who had three wives–not at same time–and two concubines) and discovering that I was conceived around New Years…

@Ewalda:
Didn’t he worry about splinters in his peen?

@ManchuCandidate: He used to complain that it was always sore and inflamed. We tried to tell him it was because he never gave it a rest, but he just wouldn’t stop. Ah, happy memories of long ago……

@mellbell:

Speaking of tha teevee crushes, Tahmoh Penikett is gonna be at the Emerald City Comicon next weekend, and I’m gonna be out of town(!).

AHHHHHH!!! HEEEEEELOOOOOO!!!111!!!

I told Mr. OA that all he’ll need is a really big net and a bottle of chloroform to make his BSG fantasies come true whilst I’m away.

@mellbell: You get Moose, I’ll take Squirrel.

@Pedonator: Also, because I’m into humiliation, I must say around the same time I was in lust with Hart to Hart. Robert Wagner with his salt-n-pepper Members Only swashbuckling style was Hot Daddy material to me. Just the tone of his voice coaxed the splooge out of my prepubescent dongle. Excuse me while I YouTube for a moment.

Hey, anyone heard from JNOV recently?

@Original Andrew: I’m totally onboard with the net and chloroform, but…what is BSG? I can’t stand to not know a kinky acronym.

I am just here to say…Gene Hackman, from my hometown. It is true, Danville really does produce excellent lovers.

@baked: And speaking of Andy Williams, I probably should have tried to work in the Claudine Longet Invitational, but sometimes you gotta leave things on the table.

@Ewalda: Um. OK. I guess this means I must turn in my geek badge, stun-gun, and rockin’ Sam Browne-style utility belt now. **sigh**.

@nojo: The way I always saw it, Spider was damned lucky to be tapping that, and he died a lucky man.

@Pedonator: Nah, just look at the pix OA linked to and fuggeddaboutit.

@SanFranLefty:

So how did that big black bet work out for you? Seeing how you just knocked Cynica out of the top spot on the bracket, you must be on a roll.

I still got a shot at this thing – Nobody believes Missouri is for real, but they crushed a very good Memphis team, at least until they tried to run out the clock with 12 minutes to play.

@Ewalda: Thank you comrade. Now I can masturbate with pride. In uniform. At least four times before sunrise.

@baked: Oh please, I know a Frau Blucher line when I hear one. When I first saw the movie, I just figured that the horses whinnied at the sound of her name because she was mean and they were scared of her; it was only the most recent time I watched that it occurred to me that was the dirtiest joke in all of Mel’s movies. And don’t give me that “Blucher means “glue”” line, of course Mel had cover.

I can win this grossout contest right here:

Among his many acquaintances was young Nancy Davis. Just how well they were acquainted Patricia didn’t know until after Reagan was elected president. The Widow Lawford recalls, “Peter was watching the news right after Reagan was elected. He went over to the set, laughing and calling Mrs. Reagan a vulgar name. I was shocked and wanted to know what was bothering him. He laughed again and said that when she was single, Nancy Davis was known for giving the best head in Hollywood. Then Peter told of driving to the Phoenix area with Nancy and Bob Walker . Nancy would visit her parents, Dr. and Mrs. Loyal Davis, while Peter and Walker picked up girls at Arizona State University in Tempe, a Phoenix suburb. He claimed that she entertained them orally on those trips, apparently playing with whichever man was not driving at the moment. I have no idea if Peter was telling the truth, though I have to assume he was because Peter was not one to gossip.”

@Ewalda: Hey, Baby! I’m around. I’m having some issues getting adjusted to my lithium (boo!), and I’ve been hanging out with my exmormons, but some of them are getting on my nerves. Meh.

Three cheers for Cloris! Um, even if she gave the booty to Gene Hackman. Ugh. Maybe we has wearing his wig.

@JNOV: Glad you checked in. I was about to e-mail and make sure you were OK.

@Mistress Cynica: Awww. Thanks! The last four weeks have been hell, and I’m waiting on the results of my blood tests to see if my lithium dose should be adjusted and/or whether my antidepressant dose should be increased. I’m slipping into a depression, and I’ve spoken to my doctor, but things aren’t so good right now. And the panic attacks are back! Yay! I was a little hypomanic before the lithium, but at least I was getting stuff done (like going to work on a regular basis), and my stomach wasn’t all tore up. Psych meds suck! Gar! But I promised my dr I wouldn’t go off the lithium, and so far, I’ve been good about that.

@JNOV: Sorry to hear about the tsuris. Do you still have the law firm gig?

@Dodgerblue: Tsuris! I LOVE that word! As of now, I still have the crappidty contract gig. If I don’t get my act together soon, I might not. Another source of panic! Gah! The Xanax just doesn’t seem to be working as well as it used to. I mean, yeah, I was a little hypomanic and talky and borderline inappropriate when I wasn’t on a mood stabilizer, but (I believe) I came across as more quirky/eccentric than crazy. When I’m depressed, well, that’s it. Period. I’ll be calling Monday to see if he has my blood tests. Lithium can give you hypothyroidism, and I seem to have the symptoms of that. All I want to do is sleep all day long.

@libertarian tool:
Lost 20 bucks in roulette. worst odds in a casino. did you know they no longer have live blackjack in the casinos? Very weird – it’s with a computer generated person. It freaked me out so Mr. SFL and I put some quarters in the “Magic Duck” slot machine since he was wearing his U of O sweatshirt and won some back and then went and cashed out the 200 bucks in quarters we hauled in to the casino.
@JNOV: Hang in there sister. I’d been wondering about you.

@SanFranLefty: I love you, Babe!

@MSNBC Overlords: I promise to never ever curse again if you’ll do something about that ad box promoting Free Ann Coulter. Please have pity on me. I do not want Free Ann Coulter. Please? No more cussing, I promise.

@JNOV: I’ll see what I can do about Mann — I entered a block request with Google Ads, but it takes a few hours to kick in, presuming I got it right.

If that works, SodaHead is next. Annoys the hell out of me.

@JNOV: Hang in there. Spring is here, and at least for me, that seems to always help.

BTW, are you still on FB, or have your law firm overlords freaked you out too much?

@nojo: Huzzah!

@SanFranLefty: I’m on FB, but I’m not allowed to use my smart phone at work for phone calls or FB posts or to read personal email — I have to actually leave the building. They have shut down our work computer internet access, and they are getting very strict about work rules. One of the best parts of being a K atty was the flexibility. No more. I’m trying to decide whether I should tell HR I have a condition protected by the ADA, but I don’t want to tell them what it is. But until my dr gets my meds right, I think I’ll be missing some work. There are days that I actually make it to work, but then around 2 pm, I feel so sick and lethargic that I have to leave. Plus, the ADA doesn’t protect folks with mental health issues w/r/t employment the last I checked, so telling HR about my ADA status might not be helpful at all.

@JNOV: This is from the NAMI website: “The definition of disability in the ADA includes people with mental illness who meet one of these three definitions: “(1) a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities of an individual; (2) a record of such an impairment; or (3) being regarded as having such an impairment.” A mental impairment is defined by the ADA as “any mental or psychological disorder, such as mental retardation, organic brain syndrome, emotional or mental illness, and specific learning disabilities.””

@JNOV: Also, take a look at Taylor v. Phoenixville School District, 184 F.3d 296 (3rd Cir. 1999) (plaintiff on lithium for bipolar disorder).

@JNOV:
Honey, I’m litigating a case right now that is reminding the State of California that the ADA (and Cal. Gov’t Code) definition of disability includes mental health issues. I can give you string cites to make your head spin. And Congress recently passed (and who would’ve thought, Shrub signed) a bill that says that health insurance companies have to cover mental health treatment to the same extent as physical disabilities.

HOWEVER, I know nothing about labor law (or birthin’ no babies) so I have no idea if being a temp makes the ADA go out the window. My gut says no, but I have no basis.

ADD, speaking of mental health: About an hour ago I practically got kicked out of a casino for counting cards in blackjack – I built my $20 up to $200 in five minutes, 5 bucks at a time. I swear I wasn’t trying to count cards, I think my latent Asperbergers kicked in. That and yesterday would have been the 92nd birthday of my alcoholic gambling grandfather who taught me blackjack, and his ghost was watching me. Mr. SFL and I left when the man in the suit came and stood over the table glaring at me.

Makes up for Pitt losing and destroying my bracket.

Sad sign of the economy, Part 47:
The two big stories from last night and tonight on Reno’s local teevee station is about how an area water park is hiring close to a hundred people to work as lifeguards and fry cooks.

@SanFranLefty: Those automated table games are an epic fail, players hate them. Its a variation on replacing a human with a robot, the thing is, in a service industry, the customers don’t like it. It must fail, my wife’s company makes the accoutrements for traditional table games, we hate the video-automated table games.

@SanFranLefty: Best odds, and most fun, are blackjack with a real dealer, and craps, and craps is so way fun, its worth learning, its too fun.

@Promnight: My Dad and all of his WWII buddies came home from overseas with unbeatable craps systems. Or so they said.

@Dodgerblue: My Dad came home with that colorful vocabulary he regaled us with, and recipes for making hootch from big cans of fruit cocktail.

@Promnight: Hootch, yes, they would steal alcohol from the infirmary.

@Dodgerblue: They would steal anything with sugar in it, and sugar, too, to make hootch. Raisins will do. Maraschino cherry hootch will make you piss red, Dad said, it freaked them all out, he said they thought they were dying.

@Promnight: I still sometimes use the term “liberated” for that kind of thing, learned from my Dad, as in “yeah, I liberated a ream of paper for my home printer.”

@JNOV: Just returning the favor — I’m up to the third season of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” and it has a wicked charm to it. Kind of a Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Next Generation, with a little Arrested Development thrown in.

@nojo:
i just got out of the hosipal, signed myself out of that snake pit “against dr,’s orders. (asthma attack) not real chatty right now, had to say, i’m baaa-aack!!!!mised you all, and had to tell you nojo, that’s the trifecta of great tv,

lefty, i owe you a word!!! i’m on bed rest til saturday, coming for you!!

what did i miss, in 20 words? nojo, how about a a column for story with most comments of the day/ best cooment of the day, for us devoted and ailing? i have no idea what’s going on…comeplete news blackout, it took some withdrawel, but i’m liking it. i an a keebler elf now.

@baked: welcome back! hope you’re feeling better.

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