Our guest columnist is totally not gay.

It’s early spring in Washington, D.C., and the cherry blossoms lining the Tidal Basin are bursting like kernels of popcorn, lending a fairy-tale feel to the nation’s bastion of power. But to catch a glimpse of the real Washington in action, you’d better arrive early. If you hit the street before 8 a.m., you may see the fittest man in Congress, U.S. Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois, clocking in for his 5-mile run — the conclusion of a morning fitness routine that starts in the House gym at 6:30 every weekday morning.

The Ripped Representative [Men’s Health]

The 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest winner for worst first line: “For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss — a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.”

“Al and Tipper Gore, whose playful romance enlivened Washington and the campaign trail for a quarter century, have decided to separate after 40 years of marriage, the couple told friends Tuesday.” [Politico]

Selections from the London Review of Books classifieds for March 12, 2009.

Loving stick-insect sought for LTR by serious-minded, mid-60s Lefty man with a big laugh.

Has your life been ruined by therapy? Are you stuck in interpretive regress? Me too. Now looking for M, 40s, to live an unexamined life.

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Selections from the New York Review of Books classifieds for March 26, 2009.

EROTIC EXPLOSION. Let me blow your mind, your ultimate erogenous zone. Provocative talk with educated beauty. No limits.

CONNECTICUT MAN — author, naturalist — seeks elegant, word-loving lady, 48-65, with eye and ear for subtlety, wry humor, and the natural world. Photo please.

PRETTY, PETITE PROFESSIONAL seeks man, 62-78, who is physically fit, psychologically stable, politically aware, and sexually active for stimulating conversation and good times. Unbeliever preferred. San Francisco.

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Has it really been a year?  It seems difficult to believe that much time has passed since one of the most difficult and exhausting yet strangly satisfying weeks I have had in a long time.  I feel like I have known all of you for so much longer, and I guess in a way I have.

So pour yourself a drink my lovely Stinquers, sit around the campfire and let General Homofascist spin you a yarn about the spark that ignited the explosion that hurled us travelers into this little corner of teh internets.

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Okay kids.  The Mormon Church sucks balls (and not in the good way) for giving all of their time and money to pass Prop H8 in California.  As covered earlier, they just don’t understand why we would be so pissed.  But pissed we are, and we don’t have to fucking explain it to them and now we are going to try to make them (literally) pay.

Although if you would like to watch a fun video that explains our side pretty well, I will direct you here to watch Dan Savage eviscerate Tony Perkins.

So if you would like to file a Tax-Exempt Organization Complaint with the IRS in the effort to revoke their tax-exempt status, just go to this website, print out the Pre-Filled IRS Form 13909 and the Official LDS Prop. 8 Letter as supporting documentation, fill in your information, and send it off to the taxman.

For your service to the Homofascist Army, there will be 37 hot, horny and hung virgins awaiting you in gay heaven.  Er…for those of you who are into that kind of thing.