NB to Chris Lee: Next Time, Use a Professional Photographer

Our guest columnist is totally not gay.

It’s early spring in Washington, D.C., and the cherry blossoms lining the Tidal Basin are bursting like kernels of popcorn, lending a fairy-tale feel to the nation’s bastion of power. But to catch a glimpse of the real Washington in action, you’d better arrive early. If you hit the street before 8 a.m., you may see the fittest man in Congress, U.S. Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois, clocking in for his 5-mile run — the conclusion of a morning fitness routine that starts in the House gym at 6:30 every weekday morning.

The Ripped Representative [Men’s Health]

Even at my best, my abs never ever looked like that. Ever.

Takes way more dedication than I have… and vanity.

OK, Aaron, OK, we get it. Jeezus. You need a hung stud. To paraphrase The Onion, “you need to to get screwed so hard your fillings come loose. To get porked rotten. To have your sugar wall churned into cotton candy. To taste the sweaty tang of a man’s thickening shaft. To have your ass ridden raw all the way to San Antonio. To break it off so nasty that the very angels in heaven have to avert their eyes. To be thrown around like a rag doll, back and forth, upside down, fucked, stuffed, and pounded till you honk like a goose. To have your ass drilled like a well of West Texas crude. To get split in half by Dominican twins with balls like grape melons.”

Abs ahoy! Now get your ankles on my shoulders and let’s do some constituent feedback.

Do these abs make my ass look straight?

I can’t even bring myself to hatefuck him.

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