The Heart is a Credentialed Hunter

Plastic.

Selections from the New York Review of Books classifieds for March 26, 2009.

EROTIC EXPLOSION. Let me blow your mind, your ultimate erogenous zone. Provocative talk with educated beauty. No limits.

CONNECTICUT MAN — author, naturalist — seeks elegant, word-loving lady, 48-65, with eye and ear for subtlety, wry humor, and the natural world. Photo please.

PRETTY, PETITE PROFESSIONAL seeks man, 62-78, who is physically fit, psychologically stable, politically aware, and sexually active for stimulating conversation and good times. Unbeliever preferred. San Francisco.

LOS ANGELES: Bright, playful, professional/academic man, 50s, open and warmhearted, tall, fit, and good-looking, charming and engaging, curious and adventurous. Naturally affectionate, sensitive, with a deep capacity for intimacy and respect. A playful, challenging conversation is good company for me, and if an endearing heart and warm chemistry accompany those times of companionship, then there may be something passionate and promising for us. To be honest from the start, I’m currently in an empty, untenable marriage but now looking to transition from ‘in-house’ separation to a friendship and perhaps a fulfilling relationship with a loving co-conspirator. Seeking a woman, 43-56, with a good heart, agile and curious mind, who’s sensual, attractive, and open to exploring possibilities with a like-minded good soul.

MWF (MANHATTAN) looking for missing spark seeks married gentleman with adventurous spirit, sense of fun, and a youthful outlook for discreet extramarital affair. 65 or so.

27 Comments

From the London Review of Books:

My finger on the pulse of culture, my ear to the ground of philosophy, my hip in the medical waste bin of Glasgow Royal Infirmary. 14% plastic and counting — geriatric brainiac and compulsive NHS malingering fool (M, 81), looking for richer, older sex-starved woman on the brink of death to exploit and ruin every replacement operation I’ve had since 1974. Box 7648 (quickly, the clock’s ticking, and so is this pacemaker).

Shy, ugly man, fond of extended periods of self-pity, middle-aged, flatulent and overweight, seeks the impossible. Box no. 8623.

Reply to this advert, then together we can face the harsh realities of my second mortgage. M, 38, would like to meet woman to 70 with active credit cards. Box no. 8624.

Lisping Rodgers and Hammerstein fan, female lecturer in politics (37), would like to meet man, to age 40, for thome enthanted eveningth. Box no. 2498

I’ve divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don’t think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I’ve ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34. Box no 6322.

Beneath this hostile museum curator’s exterior lies a hostile museum curator’s interior. F, 38 Box no, 3542.

Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside, seeks woman on the outside, who like milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of outpatients. 30-35. Leeds. Box no. 3287.

List your ten favourite albums. I don’t want to compare notes, I just want to know if there’s anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward-thinking man, 35. Box no 3221.

Mid-fifties man. Recently discovered guilt. Can’t wait to try it out. Box no. 7297.

So many men to chose from. So few vitamin supplements. Arthritic F, 73. Box no 7297.

Blah, blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box no. 3253. Like I care.

Grave disappointment all round would like to meet serious mistake in a nightie. Box no. 6453.

Having been on a few internet dating sites, here is what seems to be common (not that I’m bitter or anything…)

Out of shape, unemployed, living with parents, computer gamer with poor hygiene seeks Blond Statuesque Supermodel who can cook, exercises and has loads of money that I can sponge off of. Sent photos to 101 Delusion Ave.

Female, with average looks and no personality seeks extremely handsome man of means (please show bank statement), with extra large penis, charming, attractive with six pack abs, excellent dancer, must love arts/kids/puppies/kittens/chick flicks/anything else I enjoy, and cries during movies for casual dating and marriage. All conditions must be met or ELSE. Send photos to ThatManDoesNotExist @ elavalifematchchemistry.com.

@blogenfreude: Did they get the “loving stick-insect sought”? No? Whew. Because I’ve got other LRB filler on hand for another slow day…

@nojo: Sorry – didn’t mean to steal your thunder.
@ManchuCandidate: I actually met pretty much the woman of my dreams on match.com. ER doc, stable, sane, attractive. Broke my heart when she decided to relocate. In truth, I met some pretty interesting women during my e-dating phase. Current long-term girlfriend? One of my ex-girlfriends fixed us up. Sometimes the old ways are best.

@blogenfreude:
My luck on e-dating is/has been worse than off line aka real dating. Tried twice. Met a girl on match.com (WTF?) several years ago. We hit it off, but she lived in the Maritimes. For some reason (rolls eyes) it didn’t work out.

I prefer face to face over reading a profile anyway.

@blogenfreude: Well, it’s not like we hold morning story conferences in our hip Downtown loft. And Tom & Ray? I know they like to range from the Plaza, but I never would have guessed the LRB would show up on their turf.

Can play flamenco guitar with left arm and prehensile penis. Video available upon request for women with endurance.

Looking for a mommy type who will punish me for soiling my diapers.

– David V.

@lentinus:
Note: Must call herself Wendy and wear a leopard print dress. Photos provided.

@nojo: Tom and Ray read some of those on the air … as soon as I read your post, I knew I had to find them.

I subscribe to this rag and I read the personals before I read the articles — aloud, if Mrs. DB is around.

@blogenfreude: Dude’s flat-out incompetent. Any of us could spout GOP talking points better than he does.

@nojo: I was about to say that he’s sounding downright presidential material at this point.

Waiter, can I get another waffle please?

@Nabisco: Steele’s mastered the art of throwing shoes at himself.

@nojo: Well said … you could write a book around that witticism ….

Hairy troll seeks deaf-mute to rape repeatedly. Objective: Lasting relationship.
Sorry, folks. It’s 25 years too late to find entertainment in personals ads. Ads today are just creepy.
It’s also 25 years too late to pay any attention to the NYT Review of Books.
Yes, I’m a bitter old man.

@blogenfreude: I love the smell of the GOP crashing and burning, in the morning, in the evening, any time at all.

@Ewalda: I sometimes read the whore ads in my local daily newspaper, Gannet owned, to my wife in the morning. There are always 20 or 30 of them. “Two for one afternoon special.” “New young russian girls.” “luscious Lydia, hot, wet, and ready, outcall only, 10 am to 4 PM (seems to be working while hubby is away).

What The Fuck? Why are their prostitution ads in my newspaper? I thought thats what Craigslist was for?

Big mistake on the part of Los Angeles married man. He forgot the essential qualification in every personal ad I ever saw in LA: “must be within 15 minute drive.” And I don’t care how fabulous you are, I’m not going to the Valley.

@Mistress Cynica:
Doesn’t that mean just three blocks in LA?

Having had the “pleasure” of driving in LA from time to time, I’m not joking.

@blogenfreude: And Steele didn’t just go off script about abortion. Look what he say about teh ghey:

(GQ) Do you think homosexuality is a choice?
(Steele) Oh, no. I don’t think I’ve ever really subscribed to that view, that you can turn it on and off like a water tap. Um, you know, I think that there’s a whole lot that goes into the makeup of an individual that, uh, you just can’t simply say, oh, like, “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna stop being gay.” It’s like saying, “Tomorrow morning I’m gonna stop being black.”

Cue fundie heads exploding.
And just for fun:

GQ) But do you have a favorite [musician]?
(Steele) P. Diddy I enjoy quite a bit.

(GQ) Do you want to rethink that?
(Steele) [laughs] I guess I’m sorta old-school that way. Remember, I came of age with the DJ and all this other stuff, so I’m also loving Grandmaster Flash, and that’s not hip-hop, but… Um, you know, I like Chuck D. And I always thought Snoop Dogg was—he just reminded me of the fellas back home. So I’ve always thoroughly enjoyed him.

(GQ) Who else?
(Steele) I like Sinatra. I like old-school. You know, Bing Crosby, Sinatra, Dean Martin. Love Dean Martin. He was one of these guys who just didn’t give an F. He just didn’t. Life was a party, and you either want to party or you don’t. But yeah, I like those. I’m a big Pack Rat. I love the Pack Rats from the 1950s—Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Frank Sinatra, those guys.

(GQ) You mean the Rat Pack.
(Steele)The Rat Pack, yeah.

Hahahahahahahaha!!!

I myself have always been a fan of NWA, and 2LiveCrue.

@Mistress Cynica: I’m shocked he didn’t weigh in with his thoughts on the assassination of Tupac.

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