Items planned for auction on eBay and elsewhere to raise money for the defense of Scott Roeder, who will be tried in January for the murder of George Tiller:

• “Army of God” manual, including instructions for bombing abortion clinics; the instructions will be covered up, and interested parties referred to relevant sections of the U.S. Army manual.
• Cookbook of “prison recipes” by Shelley Shannon, who shot Tiller in 1993 and was later convicted for abortion-clinic bombings; the “prison cheesecake” is recommended.
• Handwritten book of commentary and cartoons by Shannon.

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Please note: “Account must be opened in the name of the individual recipient planning to be inseminated.”

Donor 11437: 5ʹ10ʺ, 164 pounds, wavy brown hair, hazel eyes, English/Irish/Scottish.

Resembles: Brett Favre, Ben Affleck, Brody Jenner.

Up Close and Personal: “You may be looking at the next Richard Branson-esque billionaire, activist, adventurer.”

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Title: “Jim Cramer’s Getting Back to Even”

Authors: Jim Cramer and Cliff Mason

Rank: 64

Blurb: “Cramer begins with six rules for protecting the money you have and making sure that you have the money you need.”

Review: “If you were helped by Watch TV, Get Rich or Get Rich, Stay Rich then why do you need Getting Back to Even?”

Customers Also Bought: “Picking Winners: A Horseplayer’s Guide,” by Andrew Beyer

Footnote: Rule #1: Don’t listen to Jim Cramer.

Jim Cramer’s Getting Back to Even [Amazon]

Buy or Die [Stinque@Amazon kickback link]

Vince Lombardi was a famously butch football coach, although our vague memory of him denying players sideline heaters during the Ice Bowl seems to be faulty. Still, Lombardi was a pussy compared to the assistant coach at Lakeland, Florida’s Kathleen High:

[Christopher Michael] Campbell of Lakeland pointed the knife in a threatening manner several times at one of the players, 16-year-old Otis Buford, “poking him and tapping him on the chest and on the helmet with it while also verbally threatening him,” deputies said in a news release…

Deputies said Campbell admitted to [athletic director Gary] Lineberger that he brought the knife to practice and that he told players, “Don’t try me today.”

Coming from a university whose mascot is a cartoon waterfowl, we can appreciate the challenges faced by coaches at Kathleen High. But if the team is “very close” to the coach, as the A.D. says, one question comes to mind: Who finked?

Lakeland assistant coach arrested for having knife at practice [Tampa Tribune]

“Mick Jagger said in a song once, ‘you can’t always get what what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need,” Pawlenty said. “For those of us who are Republicans and conservatives, we didn’t get what we wanted in the 2008 election for president but we did get something that we needed. And that is a chance to ask ‘what are the lessons from 2008 and 2006?'”

You’re the kind of person
You meet at certain dismal dull affairs.

Give me champagne when I’m thirsty
Give me a reefer when I wanna get high

When I’m drivin’ in my car
And a man comes on the radio
He’s telling me more and more
About some useless information

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A Health Care Protest — In Song [CBS, via Rachel]

Billionaires for Wealthcare

Albert Freed, of Dog Track Road, Pensacola — no, this is not a Stan Freburg setup — was excited to win a “dream trip to Hawaii” after selling $20,000 in diet products. Mr. Freed, who weighs about 280 pounds — trust us, it’s relevant — had not indulged himself with a vacation for forty years, and the wife thought he could use a new complement of tighty whities for the occasion. But after sporting his Hanes for a few days, problems began to, um, emerge:

Plaintiff testified he believed sand that he picked up in his swim trunks while enjoying the Hawaiian surf had irritated his penis. Over the next few days he and his wife “walked all over the place” until his condition worsened to the point that he “could hardly walk.” Plaintiff testified his inability to walk was caused by defendant’s defective manufacturing of his underwear which caused his “fly” to gap open. The gap resulted in his penis protruding from his underwear, whereupon the edges of the opening abraded his penis like “sandpaper belts.”

Well, who among us (er, half of us) hasn’t been there? But Mr. Freed, rather than go commando, decided to sweat it out:

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