Every Sperm is Brett Favre

Squeeze play.Please note: “Account must be opened in the name of the individual recipient planning to be inseminated.”

Donor 11437: 5ʹ10ʺ, 164 pounds, wavy brown hair, hazel eyes, English/Irish/Scottish.

Resembles: Brett Favre, Ben Affleck, Brody Jenner.

Up Close and Personal: “You may be looking at the next Richard Branson-esque billionaire, activist, adventurer.”

Donor 11521: 6ʹ2ʺ, 177 pounds, curly brown hair, green eyes, German/Hungarian.

Resembles: Brett Favre, Adam Baldwin, John Lynch.

Up Close and Personal: “Although he has big Hollywood dreams of making a living as a writer or actor, he is still well grounded and values the simple things in life – like his sister’s chocolate chip cookies and falling in love.”

Donor 11197: 6ʹ4ʺ, 202 pounds, straight blond hair, blue eyes, English/Irish/Norwegian/Swedish.

Resembles: Brett Favre, Bryant Reeves, Doug Savant.

Up Close and Personal: “This donor has retired from California Cryobank’s donor program and no longer has vials available for sale. The donor’s information available for purchase is intended for clients who used the donor in the past.”

Brett Favre: 6ʹ2ʺ, 222 pounds, straight gray hair (formerly brown), hazel eyes, French/Choctaw.

Resembles: Ben Affleck, Brody Jenner, Adam Baldwin, John Lynch, Bryant Reeves, Doug Savant.

Up Close and Personal: Suck it, Packers and Jets.

Celebrity Look-Alike Sperm Donors: A Superficial Service? [ABC]

Donor Look-a-Likes [California Cryobank]


Bret Favre. He does things with balls, right?

ACK! He does NOT resemble Brody Jenner, or vice versa since Brody is younger and so much more hot. They’re about equally douchey.

Donor 22666: 5’7″, 158 pounds, no hair, black eyes, Korean

Resembles: Bret Farve, Kobe Bryant, John Holmes (assuming they bred with broad shouldered barrel chested Asian midgets)

Up Close and Personal: Hates walks on the beach and candle lit dinners, but enjoys beer and simple things like waking up in the morning.

One of my cousins sold his semen and grew pot in his basement or closet or something to pay his way through school. Now he’s a DOJ parole officer. And a Republican. O_o

you can sell it. and no one told me this?
I could have retired years ago.

@homofascist: Glad to see you among the living. And, yeah. He’s delicious!

Stillers doing their best to convince the Old Man he’s better off selling Wranglers and sperm than playing October Sport in the three rivers…

@homofascist: Hey darlin, feeling any better after Friday night’s excitement?
You’re aware the tweet of the day is a homage to you, right? ;-P

And in the world of Sport, your very own SFL scored two goals and had one assist in my soccer team’s 5-0 victory. My knee is swollen to the size of a softball, however.

@SanFranLefty: Well played, Lefty. Niners looking good too behind Smith. As for Favreau – heh, heh.

@SanFranLefty: But worth it, no? Your knee will get better, and you can brag about this win forever. In a few years, you will have scored all 5 goals.

@Dodgerblue: I almost had a hat trick. Had I pulled that off, I would be bragging as I’ve only done two hat tricks in 30 plus years of soccer.

Knee hurts like a motherfucker. And I didn’t even injure it. It was aching last night after a five hour plane ride.

@Tommmcatt is hunkered down in the trenches: You could meet him, you know. And maybe end up on “The Hills.” And then Perez Hilton would write about you, and you might make it on TMZ. You could be a stahhhhh…

@JNOV, Leftism: RICE. RICE, baby.

rest, ice, compression, elevation.

@SanFranLefty: Oh, SFL, I must tell you of Prom Jr’s goalie play, today and yesterday. He has been attending weekly goalie clinics held by a woman who was the goalie for the Mexican national team, thats what they tell us, anyway, and she has been teaching him about coming out in front of the goal to reduce the angles, that thing, you know the terminology better then me. The result is he is playing way out in front of the goal, I think he needs to develop the judgement to know when to get back in the goal, but so far, amazing.

I told you he is fearless. Well, today, he put two kids out of the game, temporarily, with injuries, when he just dove on balls they were about to kick, both times they wound up somersaulting over him, it was like a fantastic diving US football block, he would go down on the ball and cover and they would hit him and get knocked head over heals. After that, they were afraid of him and would back off the ball if he came out for it.

And his hands, the ability to catch kicked balls in the air, he has way better hand eye than I ever had, and this is a kid who could barely catch a ball thrown to him last year. What this, playing goalie, is doing for his hand-eye coordination is nothing less than astonishing, I am amazed at how he can knock balls down with full extension dives. Again, up until just last year, he could not even run, he was so awkward, now he is an animal. I did teach him one thing, that if you are going to collide with someone, don’t flinch, hit. Its just a true fact, when there is contact, the worst thing to do is flinch, most kids, in any sport, they are afraid of contact, and will pull up just a tiny bit, and its the death of them, Jr. is a hitter, he just goes with it, and as I told him, you are far more likely to get hurt pulling up to avoid it than just committing to it and owning the collision.

He plays clean, nothing dirty, but when he is going for the ball, and there is someone in the way, God help them.

This soccer stuff is going to make him the best tight end his high school ever saw, if he goes for it.

@SanFranLefty: Cold beer compresses, they help. Drink them before they get warm.

@redmanlaw: Nope — ice first to reduce the swelling, then heat to help the blood vessels repair the damage. Elevation above the heart to help the lymph and collected blood circulate. And mebbe a knee brace.

ADD: Once the injured part is finished swelling, ice only serves to dull the pain but doesn’t aid healing.

@SanFranLefty: Aw, a tweet about little ol’ me? I feel honored. Although apparently friends let friends drunkenly make out with a random dude at a bar. So thanks for that!

I felt like freeze dried ass all day yesterday, but today am surprisingly amongst the living.

@Promnight: Please don’t pressure him or let him know, but Prom Jr. has the makings of being a fantastic goalie. Just keep telling him what you tell him, nothing more. I was a goalie for about five years. 99% of it is mental, and if you start overthinking it, or get fear creeping in, you are fucked. As much as the sprinting wings (like me) score the goals, a soccer team falls or wins on the back of the goalie, who in addition to doing those things that sound so natural to him, must also order around the defense. That is where it’ll be hard for him until late high school or college, when the fullbacks understand that the goalie controls what they do.

@homofascist: This was all about you. Glad to hear you’re back among the living. And that was no random dude you maked out with, that dude was cute, it pissed off your ex, and it meant you were no longer kissing Chicago Bureau on the forehead and cheek. So it worked out for everyone, verdad?

@JNOV and redmanlaw: Ice, ice, ice, baby. No rest, compression, or elevation for the weary. Martinis are at the perfect temperature.

@SanFranLefty: Not sure about the ‘pissing off the ex’ part, but the dude is a UT alum/fan. So, you know, you would approve.

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