Our guest petitioner is Texas Governor Rick Perry.

TO ALL TO WHOM THESE PRESENTS SHALL COME:

WHEREAS, the state of Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s; and

WHEREAS, a combination of higher than normal temperatures, low precipitation and low relative humidity has caused an extreme fire danger over most of the State, sparking more than 8,000 wildfires which have cost several lives, engulfed more than 1.8 million acres of land and destroyed almost 400 homes, causing me to issue an ongoing disaster declaration since December of last year; and

WHEREAS, these dire conditions have caused agricultural crops to fail, lake and reservoir levels to fall and cattle and livestock to struggle under intense stress, imposing a tremendous financial and emotional toll on our land and our people; and

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Our guest columnist is notorious progressive Mike Huckabee.

This week Glenn Beck has taken to his radio show to attack me as a Progressive, which he has said is the same as a “cancer” and a “Nazi.”

What did I do that apparently caused him to link me to a fatal disease and a form of government that murdered millions of innocent Jews? I had the audacity — not of hope — but the audacity to give respect to the efforts of First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to address childhood obesity.

I’m no fan of her husband’s policies for sure, but I have appreciated her efforts that Beck misrepresented — either out of ignorance or out of a deliberate attempt to distort them to create yet another “boogey man” hiding in the closet that he and only he can see. The First Lady’s approach is about personal responsibility — not the government literally taking candy from a baby’s mouth.

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So apparently Trig Birtherism is heating up, The Preznit of These United States said some Fine Things yesterday that we’ll wait to see translated into actual policy before we give a shit, and Teabaggers are collectively demanding to Keep Government Out Of Their Medicare.

But in weighing the relative significance of these stories against a Penguin Tickling Video, we’re reminded yet again how easily our editorial priorities are subverted.

Watch Cookie the Ticklish Penguin go viral in real time [Salon, via Sully]

While everybody’s excited about the new “.xxx” Internet red-light district soon to flood a series of glandular tubes near you, an enterprising company has been diddling Ma Bell:

Records obtained by The Associated Press show that over the past 13 years, a little-known Philadelphia company called PrimeTel Communications has quietly gained control over nearly a quarter of all the 1-800 numbers in the U.S. and Canada, often by grabbing them the moment they are relinquished by previous users. As of March, it administered more 800 numbers than any other company, including Verizon and AT&T.

And many, if not most, of those 1.7 million numbers appear to be used for one thing: redirecting callers to a phone-sex service.

We can’t help but consider the news adorably quaint: With free video online to satisfy every exquisitely perverted urge imaginable, who the hell spends money on phone sex anymore?

Porn Company Is Amassing 1-800 Numbers [AP/ABC, via TPM]

Born on this day: George Takei, Crispin Glover, Joan Miró, Harold Lloyd, Jessica Lange, John Paul Stevens, Edie Sedgwick, Don Mattingly, Andrew Tobias, Clint Howard, and Andy Serkis. Oh, and Hitler.

“The Club for Growth today noted that Donald Trump once tried to use eminent domain to evict an elderly widow from her Atlantic City home to build a limousine parking lot, and has repeatedly tried to use eminent domain as a tool of his development business.”