So here’s the deal: We had this fabulous opening production number planned, featuring the Republican Preznidential candidates bending their principles in ways you didn’t think possible, and then word leaked that Donald Trump was doing the choreography, and everybody quit at the last minute. Well, except for Newt, but he’s insisting on doing an interpretive Lincoln-Douglas Dance, and we just can’t wait three fucking hours for him to finish. Not unless he wants to put the union overtime on his Tiffany’s card.

So do us a favor and imagine you just watched a totally awesome opening to the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy, sponsored by Anosognosia Bitters, for when you need a break from rational thinking, and Lowe’s Home Improvement, because we forgot to find a slot for them.

While we wait for our presenters to get good and sloshed in the Green Room, let’s recap our Technical Awards for Nice People, bestowed at a private ceremony last week so we don’t upset our advertisers.

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But at least we can all agree that frogs are smarter than lizards.

[via Know Your Meme]

On this holiest of blockbuster-movie days, we celebrate with the traditional recitation of the Exceptional American Creed.

Our guest columnist must have had an awesome backyard fallout shelter.

When the New Money is imposed, every American family must have a Survival Kit of highly liquid, small-denomination silver and gold coins for hand-to-hand use in an emergency.

The Ron Paul Survival Kit — now an industry standard — comes in an official World War II U.S. Army Ammo-Holder. Warning: do not keep this in a bank, but only where you can get to it during a bank holiday.

Contents: 1,000 silver dimes; 400 silver quarters; 200 silver half dollars; 20 silver dollars; 20 Silver Eagles; five $5 Gold Eagles; and one $10 Gold Eagle.

The Ron Paul Surivial Kit: $1,675.

[via Weigel]

Our guest columnist is really, really sorry for not holding an intervention for Minnesota Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch, who campaigned to put a “defense of marriage” measure on the state ballot.

An Open Apology to Amy Koch on Behalf of All Gay and Lesbian Minnesotans

Dear Ms. Koch,

On behalf of all gays and lesbians living in Minnesota, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for our community’s successful efforts to threaten your traditional marriage. We are ashamed of ourselves for causing you to have what the media refers to as an “illicit affair” with your staffer, and we also extend our deepest apologies to him and to his wife. These recent events have made it quite clear that our gay and lesbian tactics have gone too far, affecting even the most respectful of our society.

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We really hate to bother with this, but since We Have a Master’s Degree — in Philosophy! — it’s our job to take out the trash:

Meanwhile, the candidate has faced increased scrutiny over racially incendiary newsletters published under his name. When pressed by CNN Chief Political Analyst Gloria Borger, on Wednesday in Mt. Pleasant, Iowa, Paul was defensive – and eventually ended the interview.

The candidate reiterated comments he’d said in the past, “I didn’t write them, didn’t read them at the time, and I disavow them.”

That was Wednesday, before yesterday’s revelation that he did read at least one of them, and once stood by its content. And we’re going to stop the clock at Wednesday, because there’s something about that “disavowal” that’s nagging at us.

In short: It’s a cop-out.

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