Welcome to the 2011 Stinque Awards!

So here’s the deal: We had this fabulous opening production number planned, featuring the Republican Preznidential candidates bending their principles in ways you didn’t think possible, and then word leaked that Donald Trump was doing the choreography, and everybody quit at the last minute. Well, except for Newt, but he’s insisting on doing an interpretive Lincoln-Douglas Dance, and we just can’t wait three fucking hours for him to finish. Not unless he wants to put the union overtime on his Tiffany’s card.

So do us a favor and imagine you just watched a totally awesome opening to the Fourth Annual Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy, sponsored by Anosognosia Bitters, for when you need a break from rational thinking, and Lowe’s Home Improvement, because we forgot to find a slot for them.

While we wait for our presenters to get good and sloshed in the Green Room, let’s recap our Technical Awards for Nice People, bestowed at a private ceremony last week so we don’t upset our advertisers.

  • Gabby Giffords, for hanging in there.
  • Bernie Sanders, for showing that a political hero is something to be.
  • The good people of Tunisia, Egypt, Libya, Yemen, Syria, and Bahrain, for putting up with a lot of shit.
  • Steve Jobs, who was famously not a Nice Person, but who masterminded some really nice gadgets, including our beloved StinquePad.
  • Harold Camping, who wasn’t nice at all, but nicely gave us not one, but two failed Raptures.
  • Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, without whom we would have nothing to aspire to.
  • Rachel Maddow, for delightfully remaining Rachel Maddow, in a year when Lawrence O’Donnell and Ed Schultz demonstrated they’re no Keith Olbermann.

Next hour: Le Prix Trudeau for Best Un-American Activity

The 2011 Stinque Awards

Oh no!!!! I forgot to vote was stopped from voting by Karl Rove and his minions! I blame Republican corruption.

Wait, this already? I’m still hung-over from Christmas.

Also: we totally need a commenter category. Think of the bribes, Nojo.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Like I would be stupid enough to choose a favorite commenter? With luck, the bribes would cover my hospital bills.

Even setting up a poll would be dangerous: All I need to do is forget somebody, and I’m toast.

@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Hear, hear. TJ/Jaime Sommers/TJ deserves no less for providing frontline reports from Hell Arizona.

@nojo: I probably wouldn’t even win “Most Time Zones Stinqued” /shakes fist at FCS/

@Nabisco: I miss running New Year’s posts for every timezone inhabited by a Stinquer, but it was a spectacular idea that was a spectacular failure in practice.

@nojo: Annnnnd, you can stuff the ballot box each time you log in.

I’d like you to add to the current poll, “New Year’s resolutions are for liars” alternatively, “for the delusional.” Please and thank you.

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