#eastwooding [Twicsy]

It seemed a good idea at the time: Launch a satellite into the vast universe, include a recording of the people of Earth saying Hello. And when Voyager finally landed on a distant unknown planet, the inhabitants were happy to send back a mechanical ambassador — biological travel being too dangerous — who would speak to us in our own language. Only there was a scratch on the Golden Record, the words were lost in retranslation, and now we’re on the verge of interstellar war because that fucking lying robot pisses the hell out of us.

In other words: Mitt Romney is Carl Sagan’s fault.

And with that fabulously tortured metaphor out of the way, we welcome you to our GOP Convention Open Thread/ConfabulationCon. Hey, have you heard about the Mormon drinking game? Take a swill every time Mitt tells the truth!

The Rev. Benedict Groeschel, Catholic TV star, on the Priest’s Dilemma: “People have this picture in their minds of a person planning to — a psychopath. But that’s not the case. Suppose you have a man having a nervous breakdown, and a youngster comes after him. A lot of the cases, the youngster — 14, 16, 18 — is the seducer.” [ABC, via TPM]

Don’t mind us, just want to get that gag on the record.

Close Friend of Romney: Clint Eastwood Is Thursday’s ‘Mystery Speaker’ [US News]

Every time we try to write something cogent about Paul Ryan’s speech last night, we get about three sentences in before we get stuck on LYING SACK OF SHIT, because to say anything else would be, well, dishonest. So please enjoy instead this demonstration of Nellie the Sea Otter stacking cups, because it expresses a simple truth that modern Republicans appear to be incapable of.

[via Know Your Meme]

Four years ago, after spending a few days thoroughly enjoying the zany mishaps of the budding Sarah Palin candidacy, she grabbed somebody else’s speech by the horns and schooled us in the dangers of believing our own caricatures. And in an alternate universe where Mitt isn’t shitting his magic underwear over the Wingnut base, Chris Christie might have given us similar pause.

But Christie’s not up tonight. Instead, Mitt chose a physically overcompensating brown-nosing weenie whose claim to fame is seriously advocating those Death Panels you’ve been hearing about. So while you join us for our GOP Convention Open Thread/Dog Whistle-Off tonight, just remember: Paul Ryan makes Sarah Palin look competent.

“A firsthand account of the Navy SEAL raid that killed Osama bin Laden contradicts previous accounts by administration officials, raising questions as to whether the terror mastermind presented a clear threat when SEALs first fired upon him. Bin Laden apparently was shot in the head when he looked out of his bedroom door into the top-floor hallway of his compound as SEALs rushed up a narrow stairwell in his direction.” [AP/WaPo]