Greetings from Kolob

It seemed a good idea at the time: Launch a satellite into the vast universe, include a recording of the people of Earth saying Hello. And when Voyager finally landed on a distant unknown planet, the inhabitants were happy to send back a mechanical ambassador — biological travel being too dangerous — who would speak to us in our own language. Only there was a scratch on the Golden Record, the words were lost in retranslation, and now we’re on the verge of interstellar war because that fucking lying robot pisses the hell out of us.

In other words: Mitt Romney is Carl Sagan’s fault.

And with that fabulously tortured metaphor out of the way, we welcome you to our GOP Convention Open Thread/ConfabulationCon. Hey, have you heard about the Mormon drinking game? Take a swill every time Mitt tells the truth!


I’m skipping the watching part, going straight to the drinking part.

@karen marie still has her eyes tight shut: Me, I have a perverse compulsion. Might go back to the days when we had real conventions, although what I watched as a kid was already fading.

I have a sample video I may post tomorrow to that end. Depends on what happens tonight.

@karen marie still has her eyes tight shut: I’ve popped a Vicoprofen and I’m going to be stoned. It’s the only way to get through Mitt.

I can’t stand conventions of parties that I support. I don’t know how you guys do it. All the power to you.

It’s the Crown of Thorns coronation of the Robot tonight, isn’t it?

Apparently Holo Raygun won’t save Mttens tonight.

@ManchuCandidate: Since Mitt’s been robbing Reagan’s grave all year, it would have been redundant.

Also, of course: “Make my day.” You know that’s coming.

Newt and Mrs. Newt III are tag-teaming a Reagan handjob. Words fail.

Where the hell is Richard Adams? There’s no Guardian liveblog! They still too drunk from last night?

@Dodgerblue: I hope to god somebody posts that video. It has to be suffered to be believed.

@nojo: I thought she/it was Newt’s inflatable sex doll. Damn.

Jeb on Shrub: “He kept us safe.”

That one tops Ryan.

Help us, Holo-Reagan. You’re our only hope.

@nojo: That dick-tickler on Craig Romney would give John Waters a run for his money.

Rich… The memo “Bin Laden plans attack on CONUS” used as toilet paper.

Jeb Bush is complaining that American students lack science and math. To a Republican convention. The Texas delegation just walked out.

@nojo: Because they are taking ethnic studies instead? Cue Gov. Crazypants from Arizona.

Cough, creationism cough… denial of evolution. Hatred of “new” math.

Tweety v Ed and Rev. Al now on public education.

I gotta tell ya — the optics of teachers’ unions is all wrong, when you get the blimpshot view — as the national media is wont to do.

Yeah — teachers deserve the right to unionize and bargain. They gotta protect themselves. But watch Chicago the next two weeks; the Chicago Teachers’ Union is about to walk out, in the middle of the first month of school, and in the midst of a (perceived) violent crime wave here in town among kids (mainly).

This could be a subplot nationally. Watch Romney and Ryan come out and call on Black Eagle to bring Duncan and the Rahmfather to force the CTU back to work. This could go supernova.

@chicago bureau: If I have Tweety’s argument right, if you rescue one child from a bad classroom, you don’t have to worry about the other forty-nine.

And then there’s Rhee, who I know is a Villager favorite, but that’s about it.

@nojo: Michelle Rhee has to run for something. Let’s see that little donnybrook.

Incidentally: if Clint Eastwood’s coming to the stage tonight, we need Tommy Lee Jones to come off the bench.

MSNBC cut away from Mormons to tell us about Mormons. Spoiled the moment.

“Wealthy plutocrat married to an known equestrian” Thanks Haley Barbour

Okay, time to get serious.


First beer.

If you’re just joining us, this hour is devoted to Mitt’s TPS reports.

Mitt came out for gay Boy Scouts in 1994. Whoa. Really: Whoa.

The Romney promo video just showed how the Salt Lake Olympics saved us after 9/11.

Mitt: “I can’t explain love.” Truth! Drink!

The opening Clint Eastwood graphic is an offshored Western.

This is an absolute DISGRACE. A DISGRACE.


Traffic wreck of the week. Shameful.

Grumpy old man movie starring Clint Eastwood coming out this week BTW

BREAKING: Romney Campaign charged with Elderly Abuse.

When he came out without combing his hair, we should have been on notice. And we were. But that was just… just… a FIASCO.

America has been stunned with shame.

@nojo: @chicago bureau: I’m almost sorry the TV was on mute for that. Will have to watch it later. Also, did this really happen?

That may go down in the annals of history, along with Quayle v. spelling. Or Dukakis v. tank. THAT WAS AN AWFUL DECISION BY THE GOP.

@mellbell: I was having a seizure.

If there is Youtube, we will see it. BANK ON IT.

@mellbell: I’m not sure. It was painful to watch.

I have no fucking idea what Rubio’s saying. I’m still stunned.

@chicago bureau: Not to mention the inevitable animated GIF.

OK OK — time to focus on something other than Clintastrophe. Cometh the hour, cometh the Mittens.

@nojo: Fuck Yeah Craig Romney!
Well, now we know what Benedick’s been doing with his time.

BTW: Full moon tonight. So THAT explains Clint Eastwood.


Heard in the crowd as Mitt walked down the aisle: “No no no DON’T TOUCH ME!”

Fluff-counter — five minutes and counting.

America, Mitt’s Smirk. Mitt’s Smirk, America.

Gotta admit, he’s warming up to this.

And at Minute Twenty, Mitt still hasn’t removed the bad taste of Clint Eastwood from our mind.

Fucker-bot has the world’s most mobile up-and-down eyebrows.

The speech so far:

Paul Ryan’s here!

Neil Armstrong ROCKED.

I’m a dad.


@mellbell: Really? I haven’t heard or felt anything yet. Nothing like Christie. Or the crowd exploding when Ryan bashed Obamacare.

No experience in a business.


@nojo: Christie has a reputation for being able to work a crowd. Romney benefits from, ahem, the soft bigotry of low expectations.

@mellbell: True dat. But does he, um, move America’s meter? I’m not feeling it.

@mellbell: Mitt’s last post-primary speech, when he secured the nomination, was much stronger.

Staples a crazy idea to make local small businesses like office supply and stationary stores disappear.

Not one fucking word about what Mitt would do. Not one word.

@chicago bureau: Where’s hope for the future? Where’s Morning in America?

Might have to track down Clinton’s 1992 specch.


And now, he FINALLY starts saying what he’d do.

(That only took the man 28 minutes.)

It’s absolutely mind-boggling that a sign of economic recovery — gas prices rising from their nadir in 2008 — has been recast as a sign of economic woe.

The big plan: fracking and drilling in the Chesapeake, school choice, free trade, cut the deficit (but not cutting defense or raising taxes, natch), and repealing Obamacare and regulations.

That’s it. That’s the plan.

The Chicago Bureau Decision Desk has a call — that plan SUCKS.

(Oh, he understands what women do. That’s new.)

10:05 Help small businesses. Think Staples the home depot of office supplies

What a mendacious piece of fucking shit this scum-sucking Mountain Meadows Capitalist is.

Die, Mittfuck, fucking die!

10:07 help your family and screw the Earth

Staples? An old supermarket retailer wrote the business plan and drafted the floor plan and supply chain logistics.

Bain could not organize a fucking muffler shop.

Bain was to investment what an arson-for-profit scammer is to housing development.

@FlyingChainSaw: there you are. You miss me as much as I miss you?

Meanwhile — throwing Israel under the bus? Oy.

ChiBu! Hey! Yeah, got the night off! How you been?

“They died under the same flag.”

Except for the gays.

@FlyingChainSaw: On the rack for several months with severe depression. But seeing this has me reaching for the sharp pointy stuff again.


We lead the fucking planet in productivity!

We just don’t get fucking paid for it because you swamped the fucking company in debt!


And…. scene.


(Oh, and James Brown is going to come back from the grave and bitchslap G.E. Smith for bringing that song out.)

May God fuck you in the ass with a crushing loss in November, asshole!

$50 says those balloons were made in China.

Well! That was profoundly unmoving.

ChiBu, feel better.

Get real rest, real nutrition and stay away from alcohol, except in moderation with good food.

@FlyingChainSaw: Have you ever tried to get three-hole punch paper in a Staples? Like pulling fucking teeth.

Bob Schieffer says speech well delivered, but Eastwood tanks it.
Norah O’Donnell says speech not coherent narrative. ran late and moms went to bed.


The fucking piece of shit had the balls to says it like a threat.

Vote Romney or I buy your company and send your job to a fucking slave state.


@FlyingChainSaw: (swigs on Beer No. 7)


(It’s the Irishman in me. Part of the solution is booze. Tried and true.)

@karen marie still has her eyes tight shut: No. I only get cheap copy paper there. Place gives me the creeps.

Wow, Eastwood is fucked. Cocaine burn out?

@FlyingChainSaw: Apparently that was all ad lib. Mitt really does have a cruel streak.

The Combat Hairstylist is a twisted psychopath. If the cult tossed him out on the street, he’d end up like the Miami Cannibal.

@nojo: I mean, they could have told him to comb his damned hair.

NOOZ ALERT — Agent Orange has declared the Olympiad of Idiocy closed. (Le homme orange a declare l’assemblee des idiots ferme.)

@chicago bureau: They could have handed him a fucking script.

They could have made him cocoa and let him take the day off and enjoy the adoration of blue haired ladies at the hatecon stuffing their tongues down his throat and crazy Alzheimic spazzing like that.

“Eastwooding” now trending on Twitter: Photos of people pointing at empty chairs.

Don’t you guys get it? He was talking to an empty chair!

The Rebublican Party finally understands its base!

@nojo & @chicago bureau & @FlyingChainSaw: Really? The AP headline proclaims his performance “fantastic.”

@nojo: Oh I’ve totally seen this movie.

Grampa Simpson: [shouting] “A twisted tail… a thousand eyes… trapped forever!! EE-Pah EE-Pah EE-Pah!!1!”

He looks like he spent about as much time preparing this as he does his terrible movies. The conservative people in Hollywood, one of the US’s most successful business enterprises which has been busily engaged in making fascism look cool, are the money men and women. Jon Voight is insane. Why begin with shots of a man with a GUN from a terrible movie made by Italians shot in Spain? I can’t watch this and neither can the pugs.

This shows you the end result of thousands of people telling you you’re great over the years: you come to believe them.

And BTW, it’s President Obama, you old fool.

I think those of y’all watching this shit show had a way worse evening than I did.

I was on an insane contentious almost five hour conference call yesterday afternoon/evening/night with opposing counsel and then stuck in traffic for more than an hour coming home. At least I got to listen to the Giants game on the radio.

@SanFranLefty: We are fond of Fuck Yeah Craig Romney! We just don’t love Fuck Yeah Craig Romney!

Info on moving to France is all over the place. Here’s a good introduction. I have my eye on the Brittany coast or the Dordogne. As for Paris, (sigh) rents are surprisingly reasonable plus the city is gorgeous. Of the cities I know I rate Vienna very high on the places to live list. Best, and most unusual pizza, among other attractions. Avoid London for obvious reasons.

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: They do but they’re notoriously fickle and easy to talk into meaningless hot sex.

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