One tweet, 240,580 followers. Things really do go better with coke!

@CharlieSheen [Twitter]

“A fetus has been scheduled as a legislative witness in Ohio on a unique bill that proposes outlawing abortions after the first heartbeat can be medically detected. Faith2Action, the anti-abortion group that has targeted Ohio to pilot the measure, called the in-utero witness the youngest to ever come before the House Health Committee at 9 weeks old.” [Fox 8 Cleveland, via Political Wire]

Premise: Solid. Execution: Debatable. Punchline: Golden.

[via Sully]

“San Francisco’s big push for low-flow toilets has turned into a multimillion-dollar plumbing stink. Skimping on toilet water has resulted in more sludge backing up inside the sewer pipes, said Tyrone Jue, spokesman for the city Public Utilities Commission. That has created a rotten-egg stench near AT&T Park and elsewhere, especially during the dry summer months.” [SFGate]

Newt Gingrich is ready to be President.  Now that we’re looking at the prospect of  a  government shutdown,   Gingrich gets to reminisce about the last time he was popular, which was right before the last government shutdown. He’s convinced himself that he maybe can beat Huckabee and Palin and all of the other Fox News Commentators in a primary run.  After this, his tea party will Dress Up as Indians and throw that bad man off of the White House like a big bag of black tea.  Or, that’s how I imagine it playing out.  Anyway, the dude became the first major contender to start an exploratory committee, which is just an early way of saying election committee.

Newt recently said that: “2010 was the appetizer”  and added that “2012 is the entrée”  which means that his presidency will be the delicious truffle at the end of the smörgåsbord of a year that is a Presidential election.  This is just like how his affair with a congressional aide was an entrée after the appetizers and salad that were his first and second wives, and the palate-cleansing sorbet that was his second wife’s cancer.   Of course, Newt might not remember that past meal as well, since he was too busy watching the neighboring table, where Bill Clinton was trying to clean up the stains left after his own kosher feast with Monica Lewinski, or something.

We understand that there are Important Things going on in the world — Important Things that, were we a Responsible Editorialist, we would Responsibly Editorialize about. Heaven knows that, lacking our Responsible Editorial, you wouldn’t know what the hell to think.

But in contemplating said Important Things, we discovered that we have absolutely nothing to say, Responsibly or otherwise. Unions Good, Qaddafi Bad, Charlie Sheen Crazy. When’s lunch?

So, in lieu of words that would make the Mighty tremble and the Humble weep with joy, we choose instead to present a silly video about a rocket launch that nobody cares about. Because, in the end, it fills 300 vertical pixels of space, and that’s all that really matters.

Jane Russell, Sultry Star of 1940s and ’50s, Dies at 89 [NYT]