The President’s Speech

Premise: Solid. Execution: Debatable. Punchline: Golden.

[via Sully]

TJ/ Today in Oh-For-Fuck’s-Sake:

An unborn child has been scheduled as a legislative witness in Ohio on an abortion bill hearing. The bill proposes outlawing the abortion of fetuses whose heartbeats can be medically detected. An aide to Ohio’s Senate committee Chairman Lynn Wachtmann said a pregnant woman will be brought before the committee and an ultrasound picture of a nine-week-old fetus will be projected onto a screen where its heartbeat will be seen in color. National anti-abortion group Faith2Action chose Ohio to review what they are calling the “Heartbeat Bill”, though Ohio Right to Life has not endorsed it. They also referred to the in-utero fetus as the youngest witness to ever come before the House Health Committee.

@Mistress Cynica: As The Awl pointed out:

This witness will clearly be the smartest thing in the room.

Tater Tot’s brother is considering a run for U.S. Senate, but he apparently hasn’t decided yet.

Therefore, I hereby dub him “Waffle Fries.”

@Mistress Cynica: Will it be a vaginal or abdominal ultrasound? Cuz it’s really fun when they stick the big ultrasound wand in your hoo-haw. But from the point of view of pure performance art, I’d want to do a vaginal ultrasound in front of a crowd of middle aged Republican men. Just having lady-bits that close to them might make them all pass out or run out of the room and jerk off to the nearest troop of Cub Scouts.

/wow, I’m feeling a little Chainsawish this afternoon.

@SanFranLefty: That’s disappointing. He actually handled the Obama-is-a-secret-Muslim canard fairly well on Colbert’s show last week.

Judging by the amount of weight he’s gained, the birfers can’t embrace him.

I’m almost at this point thinking that any candidate should be forced to undergo a battery of psychiatric tests more intensive than the ones used on ICBM missile commanders. Just to weed out the really stupid and crazy ones. Sure politics might be boring, but so be it.

@ManchuCandidate: I’ve been thinking lately that Asimov or Heinlein or whoever it was had it right — let’s abolish political campaigns, and run the country with people picked out of a hat for short (2-3 year) terms. We’re more likely to get people who are capable and not 100% stupid.

Anyone who runs for office has plainly demonstrated their inability to actually hold that office, as politicians keep proving over and over and over again.

@ManchuCandidate, Ian J: Politics is show business for ugly people, so that’s why you get the unattractive Jenna Maroneys of the world in the field. Seriously, they are wired a lot differently than most of us.


“I’m a singer. You know what a singer is? Someone with a hole in his heart as big as his ego. When you need 20,000 people screaming your name in order to feel good about your day, you know you’re a singer. ” Bono.

I’ve read that dude used to get drunk at home after a tour and try to climb up on the kitchen table to sing late at night.


No Cub Scouts required – I figure either the staffer who suggested it or somebody the chairwoman wants a favor from has a bigtime preggers fetish and will be furiously fapping DURING the session.

So, for the record…

1) Huck’s spokespot says he meant Indonesia. Which blew one quickie post I had ready.

2) Okay fine, the fetus story has already been burned in the comments. Which blew the other. But I decided to post it anyway.

Oh, and…

3) Time it takes for Birks to be declared hopelessly unrepairable: 30 years.

@Mistress Cynica: They had a good run. And many, many walks.

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: Nothing but. My white lowtop Converse just don’t get worn in sunny Sandy Eggo.

@nojo: “My white lowtop Converse just don’t get worn in sunny Sandy Eggo.”

What, those are your dress shoes?

@SanFranLefty: Beyond that, we’re into hiking boots.

@nojo: Wimp. I wear my black Chucks in the middle of the summer here. Yes, SFL, in semi-formal situations.

@nojo: There are these sandal/garden shoe type things called “Crocs” that I predict will be all the rage.

ADD: @TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Faded blue lo-tops for me. The black hi-tops are for mowing the lawn.

@nojo: What? They can’t be recorked? Oh, you must not have the plastic type, cuz they weren’t making them when Jesus wept.

@¡Andrew!: Oh for fuck’s sake. Knew a puppet maker who wore one orange and one green. Of course his puppets were freaky, ugly, and that dude stayed high.

Current footwear: the old trusty LL Bean Gore-tex and Thinsulate roper-style boots with the Vibram sole. Had ’em for 15 years now. Feet on the desk, leaning back in the chair sipping my tea and thinking ’bout things.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Darling, I alternate my black chef’s clogs with my brown Doc Marten’s. I realized today when I put on my Docs that I bought them at a second-hand clothing store in Belfast in 1993. And they look like they have at least another 25 to 30 years in them. But then again, I was a good little Goth girl in the ’80s and probably could find my black Doc combat boots at my parents’ house.

I still think that Crocs are a creation of Satan, closely followed by Ugg Boots (yes, I know you lurves them, baked). No, actually, the devil shoe is the fur-lined CrocUgg.

@¡Andrew!: @SanFranLefty: I take that back. The devil shoes are Shrub’s Crocs worn with bicycle socks with the Presidential seal on them. Those shoes sum up why Shrub is eeeeevil.

@JNOV: Recorked?


They’ve been recorked, relined and resoled countless times. All that truly remains of the original 1981 purchase is the strap/buckle. That’s now tearing — deeply — and at that point, it’s time to start with a fresh pair.

Dansko. NB (mine are navy). Birks (don’t have my style anymore, but they’re some biodegradable three strap things). And mebbe some Cole Haan (pre-Nike).

@nojo: Aw. You can’t go out in public until you break them in to look like shit. Walk in the ocean, run them over with your car, stuff like that.

@JNOV: NBs are good, but I think Asics have better support for running. The clogs and the Doc Marten’s are my dress shoes. I wear my Adidas Sambas more than any other shoe, however. And unlike the hipsters in the Mission who wear them, I play soccer…

@nojo: I was 15 when you bought those. Right around the time I discovered Emma Goldman.

@SanFranLefty: LOVE LOVE LOVE Adidas! Those kick ass. You need some shell tops.

Remember the redwood shopping center in P.A.? That’s where I got my NBs. I used to run the cedar chip trail in the eucalyptus grove. I bought the same style only wider, and now that I’m down to running weight again (thanks, stress!), I’m ready to head out. I live in a van down by the river across the street from the river, and there’s a running/walking/biking trail, but it’s cement. Ugh. There’s some grass, but I might fall in the street or in the drink. I have to find a trail. My joints are loosey goosey, and I’ll twist my ankle just stepping off a curb. I pronate, blah blah. So, once my NBs wear out, I’ll try out the Asics. Or maybe sooner. I just wish I had new knees minus the surgery.

My clogs are dress shoes too. I have bitch face when my feets hurts.

ADD: Are your Maarten’s men’s, and are they low top? I want some brown low-tops.

Shit. I’d better go to bed. So glad to be back and somewhat sane. These are very interesting times at my new job.

@JNOV: Birks is Birks, and don’t require weathering. Unlike Converse, which really do need to be dirtied before going in public. Especially white ones.

And as I mentioned to the nice counter kids how long the pair had lasted, I quickly realized: My Birks were older than them.

@nojo: Heh. But really, Nojo, I know your carriage alone gives you tons of street cred, but you’re gonna look like a wannabe in new Birks. Like you care, but I don’t want the Freegans to get you, steal your iPad and turn it into a wormhole.

@nojo: Funny cultural thing — back before I even thought about buying any type of hippie shoe wear, I cleaned my sneakers with a toothbrush. Spotless. Remember the scene from Do the Right Thing where dude rides his bike over other dude’s sneakers. Yeah. Jr’s first shoes: Air Jordans. Still got ’em, and they’re spotless.

@JNOV: Dude, I’m so loosey-goosey with my joints, I can’t even run on trails, I have to run on the dirt at Crissy Field or the treadmill at the Y. Finally sucking it up and going to the sports medicine guy next week.

I wear cleats when I play on grass, I wear turf shoes on artificial turf, and I wear Sambas for indoor soccer. But right now I only play on turf and grass (with these AWESOME purple and silver cleats) and I wear the Sambas everywhere else.

My Marten’s are brown leather Oxfords. I guess they’re men’s, though there are a bunch of sizes listed on the inside of them.

@nojo: I have an REI coop number I got in 1979.

BTW, going to see U2 in May – 30 years after I first saw them for $3 on their first US tour.

@redmanlaw: Oh! REI! I haven’t had a dividend in years. Haven’t been camping in years, but boy has outgrown his snowboard, and it fits me! Huhfuhkinzah!

@redmanlaw: Dude. How many times have you seen Bug Eye Bono? I do love The Edge. There’s some video where he has feets all on his head. I like!

@SanFranLefty: THAT’S WHAT I WANT! Could not find!

@JNOV: Going to Wolf Creek Colo. on Saturday for 3 1/2 days of skiing and boarding with the family and another kid or two to kick off spring break.

Why didn’t someone tell me to buy cigarettes before I got home?

@redmanlaw: That’s cool. Our “mountains” here ain’t shit. Love Squaw (ugh) Valley. Miss it so much. Anyway, I have a friend who works at Blue Mtn (ugh), but we can go for free, so that’s cool. Weird thing — I’m left handed and ride regular; kid is right handed and rides goofy. I need boots, but I can switch the bindings myself. Board probs needs waxed and tuning.

@SanFranLefty: Oh, tell me what sports medicine guy says. I wonder if I’m covered for that…

@JNOV: Only three times – 1981 in Denver, 2005 in Vegas/MGM Grand and 2009 Vegas/Sam Boyd Stadium. The May show in Denver will be my fourth time. I missed 1982 through 2001 due to poverty, school, work, tour schedules and starting a family.

I’ve seen Tool four times, Los Lobos at least six times including one tour bus interview, Stevie Ray about four or five times (that number won’t be going up) and Metallica only twice.

You can have your picture taken with Stevie in Austin…

Okay, just walked into a wall and hit my head on a doorknob. Night!

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